Cause I’m struggling with that right now. I read your stories on SP, and I think of how much I wish I could take your pain and suffering from you. How you all seem like such nice souls, and how you don’t deserve to suffer like you do.
But someone like me… I can’t help if I don’t deserve to kill myself and suffer whatever might come after. I have so much, and although I live alone and only see my family once or twice I year, they help my financially and I don’t have to worry about that too much.
Despite that however… I wish I could just close my eyes and sleep forever. And to that end, I’ve recently turned to alcohol… a lot… like 4-5x a week a lot. To the point where I end up passing out. I know it’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t be wasting the money my parents give me for food like this. But the warmth that it brings, despite the fact that it makes me want to kill myself even more, that warmth, that feeling of not caring. I crave it. I should stop, but I can’t bring myself to want to. I don’t care enough to.
Does that make me a monster that deserves to kill myself? I don’t know anymore. Because I know I am lucky. I know I should stop. But that warmth offers me more than life does, and I can’t bring myself to stop even knowing I might end up hurting other people. That I am just making myself more of a failure than I already am by taking this route… I don’t know anymore.
Anyway…anyone have any good suggestions to pass time? I like coloring, but haven’t been able to find a good place to download things to color.
7 comments
DeviantArt. Just a few amazing examples:
http://www.deviantart.com/art/JIM-LEE-Batman-inks-447035849
http://blasterkid.deviantart.com/art/Wonder-Woman-38-cover-detail-David-Finch-R-Friend-488698759
http://blasterkid.deviantart.com/art/Wonder-Woman-COVER-David-Finch-and-Richard-Friend-464680891
http://boysicat.deviantart.com/art/Batman-700-David-Finch-176188468
http://liamsharp.deviantart.com/art/Jim-Lee-Batman-inks-finished-299159507
Go to the comments awaiting moderation. I posted some nice samples for you to color.
Thanks Rain, I know you had a hard day, so I really appreciate you linking me to those pages. I hope your week gets better though, you’re a great person and definitely deserve better =)
Depression is a disease, like diabetes. Would you blame someone who had diabetes? Like physical ailments it does not discriminate. I have a nice house, I’m not getting thrown out any time soon, I want for nothing physical in my environment yet here I am. I’m with all the other folks here online looking for a little solace to sooth my soul.
Typically circumstances won’t change long term depression, it is an uphill battle, a potentially fatal disease that takes countless lives every year. Just because you or I can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Like someone wasting away from cancer, depression and it’s crazy cousin mania, are an illness that are manageable but never can be cured.
Hey 🙂
I want to say something: Love is work. Hard work.
I had a girlfriend who put so much into our relationship, she would send me beautiful letters and little presents and she would look me in the eyes and listen like no one else when I expressed myself. She was a WAY better partner than I was. All those things she did took effort. Being quiet and listening when you want to say something. Writing a letter. Finding a present. Etc.
And self-love is equally hard work. If you didn’t grow up loving yourself (as I didn’t), it’s unlikely to just happen out of the blue, and you can’t. rely. on others. to do it for you.
Others can love you, but they also have their own shit to deal with. They have to take care of themselves too.
So loving yourself will really give you a much better shot at happiness, and at self-acceptance, and allegedly at loving others. I mean: one reason why I was a bad boyfriend was I was all up in my own head, focused on my problems. Rather than there with my girlfriend. Listening to her. Had I loved myself more, maybe I would have had more time for her.
Currently I just tell myself I love myself for 5 minutes every day. Trying to drill that thought into my skull. It requires patience. It’s not gonna happen overnight. Habits take a minimum of 66 days to form, sometimes much, much longer.
Hi SnowFox,
Thank you for sharing what you are going through. I can definitely see what pushes you towards drinking as a relief.
I also read in another post of yours that while death seems like a good option now, you really hate to have seen things coming to this point. To me that’s a good sign. It means you still have the inner desire to be happy, somewhere deep inside but nevertheless still there, however far the possibility of happiness might seem to be for now.
That being the case, I would like to suggest a new way of looking at things. Instead of looking for where things went wrong, how about looking at where you would want to be in an ideal situation, and where you are right now. Then it would be a good idea to sit down and explore ways of getting there starting with pinpointing the first step that would get you started on moving towards that goal.
Then if when you want to move, you run into invisible walls, like fear of something or depression etc. that stops you from moving, it would be a good idea to tackle that individually and stop that from getting in the way of making way. I can share with you what I know about that in another post.
As for the drinking, I definitely understand the temporary comfort it provides you, yet it would be a good idea to replace it with a less harmful outlet. I think the money you are spending on it is not really a big problem, but the fact that over the long term it can cause physical dependence and create yet another problem to tackle in your life is the real culprit here. I would suggest meditation as a replacement for it. When done right, it gives rise to peace and pleasure in the body that is much more soothing than alcohol, and can create a sense of well being for you. If you are interested in that I can share with you some free resources on the correct way of meditating.
In any case I’m really glad that you are holding on, and I believe and hope that you will figure out a way to first pinpoint where you want to be , then find a way to get there. If you need any outside perspective in doing that, I’d be happy to chat.
Best,
Aaron
Hi Snow Fox,
Just wanted to say good luck and give you some encouragement on your path.
You’re not a monster in the slightest. You’re a soul that is experiencing difficulties and is in pain.
Take a little example from the folks around SP – you can show others compassion, have some for yourself. You will be able to stop – but only once you get to the root of why you started in the first place. From your post (and this is just wild speculation) you sound a little lonely – maybe it’s a clue? You aren’t a failure in any sense of the word. Who labeled you as such? One thing I like to do when I start into a depressive cycle is to sit down, step back and have a conversation with myself. Part of me is a big, warm, kind, compassionate, loving teddy bear of a person, and the other half is a bit of a cynical, harsh, judgmental, relentless perfectionist. I let the Perfectionist speak his peace, make his judgement, and then let my teddy bear question its validity. “You are a worthless failure.” Lets examine that statement, “You have friends and family that would miss you, so you’re not worthless. Even if you didn’t have them, at the very least, the government still likes you for your taxes ;D. Failure, well hmmm, You might not be Marc Cuban, but you’re not in a gutter, you’re not begging for change, you’re at least managing – so Gold Star.” I know it’s going to seem really weird and difficult, but the best advice I can give you is be kind and loving to yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. You’re great exactly as you are! Inside all of us is a neglected, abused kid that just wants to be hugged and told it’s going to be ok. If we keep on neglecting that kid, trying to drown them out, its not going to get better. You’re on the right path in acknowledging your suffering, and reaching out to people to help end it, so keep it up. Give it time, have patience, and remember you’re a gloriously wonderfully flawed human, so forgive yourself- you deserve it. – You know why angels can fly right? Because they take themselves Lightly ;D
Peace to you on your path my Friend
May your burdens be light,
May your heart be merry, and
May your journey be wondrous!