Longtime unwanted companion..

At age 34, I’ve dealt with the darkness many times over, faced the abyss, waking up to the desire to no longer be here, but pushing through anyways, retaining a sliver of hope for better days, however long it may be to see them again.

Becoming crippled in my prime, on crutches for 7 months, knee braces for another year and 1/2, struggling to finish college while majority of my peers go about their days oblivious to the able bodied gifts they’d take for granted..The physical pain meaningless in comparison to the psychological, will I ever get better? Is this the new reality? I never got a satisfactory diagnosis or orders to follow in order to get better, my knees were just broken. Crutching home from classes, I wanted so many times for a car to just absent-mindedly veer off the road and end it for me, no guilt, no more waking up to the prison within my own body and mind..

I’ve always tried to keep my head up in face of the adversity..It was only 2 months post graduation, when I got the call that Dad had killed himself. A heavy blow for anyone, not withstanding an only child whose relationship with his step-mother wasn’t the greatest. We both took to our own versions of grieving, issues of an invalid will and mistrust compounding the suffering.

A year later my cousin kills himself, and my mother diagnosed with early onset-Alzheimers.. Through all this, and financial hardship and just trying to find my way in the world, the darkness would periodically return, but I’d always overcome it. I suppose staying active in Portland social life, playing in bands, making art, dating, etc. helped.

4 years ago though, I made a bad choice, returning to my hometown under the impression my mother would be needing assistance with her condition..Removing myself from that Portland stability and plopping down in a place that has always made me depressed has steadily brought me deeper and deeper back into that darkness, deeper than I have ever experienced before.. It’s beyond being sad, beyond apathy, it’s a feeling of having lost my way, derailed potential, drifting beyond the point of no return. And only myself to blame..

It shows in my physical appearance, mass shedding of hair over the past 6 months, no longer looking like my youthful upbeat former self, resilient and capable of bouncing back.. Just carrying this corpse from place to place, increasingly isolating, dreading the exhaustion in putting on a false cheery act for the outside world.. It’s gotten bad. And unlike all the times before, I really don’t know what can make it better. I still believe to continue on is best, no matter how sad and feeling removed from yourself and the world. It’s just never been so bad before.

I feel for all of you out here struggling in your own ways. There is a certain comfort in knowing one is not alone in their own suffering, however unique each individual’s circumstance. Thank you all for your honest and raw posts.