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My night

by Deadinside59

Family member yells get the fuck outta your room and help with dishes so i cover my cuts like I’ve been told to do and go out i start washing dishes then realize i have to roll up my sleeves my mom glares at me and whispers you better not be doing that for attention i said please step out of the kitchen so i can have room to move freely and do the dishes she walks out one of our guests comes over and stares at my arm then when i ask what’s wrong she just replied so you’re older now and i noticed you don’t really do much on holidays anymore i responded no ma’am I’m not really social anymore i will be when i go to college later this year though she replied what’s wrong with your arm my mom steps back in the kitchen well i got cut moving the propane tanks ma’am she replied oh you really should be careful those aren’t too serious but they could get infected i thanked her for her concern and asked her to step out so i could continue then told my mother she should watch my nephew so i could work in piece then the person who was helping me decided to leave i said so I’m supposed to do all these by myself he replied yeah i said you were supposed to help we fed 15 people today he replied i don’t care I’m going home just get it done so i continued to do dishes when i finished i rolled down my sleeves to cover my cuts i was called a few vulgar names by my family and then i returned to my room so yeah fuck me i tried to be polite how was everyone else’s night

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mindlessgamer619 12/26/2015 - 12:59 am

I had to wash dishes at work… again… even though I’m not the dishwasher. Trey is telling me bullshit within my subconscious. Tired, annoyed, but I’m just lost in thought now. I’m sorry to hear about that situation, friend.

mindlessgamer619 12/26/2015 - 1:04 am

Idk. I had to wash dishes at work today… again.. because the dishwasher skipped out today also.. Yesterday was hell.. so many dishes… Now, Trey is pummeling my subconscious with crazed thoughts and trying to get me to let him out temporarily..
I’m sorry about your situation, friend. I do hope some good comes your way. Perhaps, a wonderful present?

mindlessgamer619 12/26/2015 - 1:05 am

Idk. I had to wash dishes at work today… again.. because the dishwasher skipped out today also.. Yesterday was hell.. so many dishes… Now, Trey is pummeling my subconscious with crazed thoughts and trying to get me to let him out temporarily..
I’m sorry about your situation, friend. I do hope some good comes your way. Perhaps, a wonderful present?

theWhispersOfMySins 12/26/2015 - 3:32 am

That sounds awful. You are definitely being emotionally abused by these people. When you go to college will you being moving out to live on campus?

brokenandbent30 12/26/2015 - 3:41 am

You handled the situation extremely well because I would’ve went off definitely. I was told to do the dishes today and went nuts because I always do the damn dishes. Always. It’s not like I needed to be told that. God, people piss me off.

rocketman 12/26/2015 - 11:28 am

Deadinside59,

i know this isn’t what you want to hear but STOP CUTTING! 🙂 I want you to be happy, i drink everyday but it is not as obvious as cutting, by the way i got a new kitten the fucker chewed on my arm and i let it kinda a bonding thing? 😉 now my arm looks like a have some kind of disease or something! people are going to look at me strange! 🙂 that is sorta like cutting, i have to stop bonding like that! 🙂

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/26/2015 - 12:06 pm

Stories like this make me so fucking furious with the world. Because it is all about how they feel right? All about their sorry feelings or that they are embarrassed by their son, who has an addiction he is battling.

Make no mistake Deadinside, this is an addiction. One many do not understand, but an addiction nonetheless. And just like a heroin user or a alcoholic trying to go cold turkey, you can’t go cold turkey unless you tackle why you do it.

I’m not asking you to stop cutting. Lord knows my family would never understand why I do the insane things I do. My fingers look like ground meat today and it is to the point where they all, even the youngest, poke me when they see me picking at them. It makes me furious, just furious, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I struggle with this daily. I do it because each finger is a little tension faucet. each little hole I pick at relieves the tension if that makes any sense at all. I don’t do it to punish myself but it helps with the tension in my life.

I should just go back to taking Klonopin right? But I’d be stoned 24/7 and get dependent on them and then my life would truly be out of control.

And now that I have totally hyjacked your thread to be about me….I have a question for you:

Does the cutting make you feel better? If the answer is yes then fuckem, fuckem all, just keep your cuts clean so they don’t get infected and work on better coping strategies until you can replace this with a more appropriate coping strategy. As long as it is making you feel better I don’t see the harm in it. This may be a very controversial way of dealing with this, but it works for me and it work for other addicts across the world.

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/26/2015 - 12:08 pm

Um,,,,I assumed you were a dude…hope I wasn’t wrong. If so, just chalk it up to my inability to sort anyone on SP into MF.

Deadinside59 12/26/2015 - 12:49 pm

Yeah I’m a dude

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/26/2015 - 12:50 pm

Phew…well I just won the internet today.

Deadinside59 12/26/2015 - 2:08 pm

Yes you did and yeah cutting makes me feel better helps me cope with stress

Mf 12/26/2015 - 9:32 pm

I just read this and officially cracked up, lol. (the inability to identify genders thing).

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/26/2015 - 9:35 pm

well no one has any real obvious identifiers in their screen names. Well a few do but it isn’t consistent. Even my name which seems feminine to me gets mistaken for a dudes name depending on what I’m talking about. Once I was mistaken for a trans dude or girl? Not sure which, so it’s best to check sometimes…saves tears.

brokenandbent30 12/26/2015 - 9:26 pm

I definitely don’t recommend getting addicted on Klonopin. I found an even stronger benzo to completely block my life out and it’s the only thing I want to take to forget myself. It’s also caused me to do embarrassing things while hanging out with guys. I’ll be so out of it, I end up breaking something or just being an oblivious wreck.
It’s fun though, to feel good and escape your thoughts, but once reality hits again and you run out of pills, you’re fucked. Not to mention you better not go cold turkey unless you want to end up in the hospital from withdrawals. Honestly, it’s the only way I know how to cope now so I’m not ready to give it up yet.

brokenandbent30 12/26/2015 - 9:28 pm

That was meant for Hazy Day btw. A song by Elliott Smith perfectly describes it:
“You don’t deserve to be lonely, but those drugs you got won’t make you feel better. Pretty soon you’ll find it’s the only little part of your life you’re keeping together.”

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/26/2015 - 9:31 pm

Yeah, benzos + Hazy = Trainwreck city. Which pisses me off. I would love nothing more than to just zone out on a legal high for a few hours with no hangover.

Deadinside59 12/26/2015 - 10:04 pm

I’d suggest just smoking pot as long as you don’t take it outside your house or let your kids catch you it’s fine

200085 12/26/2015 - 1:04 pm

Mine was the same as yours. I’m sorry

nardsy 12/26/2015 - 4:41 pm

I’m so upset because they obviously do not understand. And I hate that they think that your just trying to get attention.

Deadinside59 12/27/2015 - 3:14 am

I like you guys more than I like my family……

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