I’ve not had a laptop for a few weeks, which is why I haven’t updated.
This is going to be like full on diary entry material. I hope you don’t mind.
I’m having less and less to say every time I post on here now.. A lot has happened regarding friends recently. Too much to note down. One particular thing though, I’m drifting from my two best friends. I keep screwing up. I don’t want to make this sound like Its all about me, but I have no one else to blame but myself anyways.
I had a boyfriend recently too. Yeah, I know, surprising right? Well, here’s something that shouldn’t come as a surprise; I screwed that up too. A guy that I genuinely liked who just so happened to like me back, and I had to go and be my shitty self and ruin it, hurt myself and hurt him.
I got a little drunk at my friends birthday meal toward the end of October. I got home, I thought about everything, about how many things are wrong with me. About how many things I’d love to tell him. confess to. ‘What about when he see’s my scars? My cuts?’, ‘What will he say? What will he do?’, ‘Will he be disgusted in me and leave?’. So after my episode of over thinking I broke up with him at like 2am. Over messaging. Classy. I explained the next day and apologised for everything. He wanted to try again, and so did I, but I couldn’t let that happen until I’d figured myself out, so I told him exactly that. That I needed to figure myself out first, and he understood.
We kept talking, having a few misunderstandings here and there but nothing big. Then we ended up drifting.
Of course, I didn’t expect him to wait for me to get myself together, but I had hoped he would. Well, he didn’t. I feel a little heartbroken, but I feel as though as I have no right to be. He wasn’t my boyfriend. I lost someone who wasn’t even mine.
I guess I’m all alone again.
Merry fucking Christmas to me.
6 comments
Welcome back. I had read a some of the things you wrote before and never commented, wanted to comment this time.
I want to point out a couple of things to you that I see from the outside. Maybe it will help, I hope so. Forgive me if it sounds a little too straightforward for you.
First of all, one thing I notice with all your posts is that you are blaming yourself most of the time. Continuously. I want to approach this from a technical perspective. We all have brains (well most of us do anyways) and a big part of the differences in our responses and the way we are , are because of the different past learnings stored in our brains. I’ve heard from a neuroscientist friend of mine that people who are engaged in self-blame are actually addicted to it. Physically they get what is called a “dopamine rush”(an addictive chemical in the brain) each time they engage in self criticizing. It makes you get a rush of good feeling(albeit short term) no matter how much the topic sucks. This may not make sense or sound bizarre, but to test it out, why not prevent yourself from saying anything negative about yourself, or ruminating about how bad things are , for a whole day? You’ll then see if you in fact feel forced to blame yourself , hence are addicted or not.
Just to reiterate, I might go along with you and try to support you with what you are going through(and i sincerely do), but I think it would also be in your best interest if I can point out to you something you might have missed.
So I think the first step should be, stopping yourself from blaming yourself. If you want to know what it is, it’s actually an avoidance technique which your brain fools you into thinking is real. Like all of us have, you have desires and want to enjoy good things in life. However through your past you have built fears that get in the way of you going after what you want. So your brain defaults to running the story of being this horrible person, which allows you to avoid facing your fears.
Just notice that. That is all that’s needed for now.
The next step should be to try to go after the things you want, while actively stopping yourself from ruminating and criticizing yourself. You’ll then uncover the fears that get in the way and stop you from going after what you want.
What to do about them, we could talk some other time.
Sorry for the long post and I hope this is helpful. Take care
II mean, sometimes I wont blame my self. At first, anyways. It’ll be a case of knowing that the other person has done me wrong and saying its not my fault, until I start thinking about it and after a short period of time I turn it all around on myself and it all seems to be my fault. No matter what train of thought I go down, I always find a way to lead it back to me. Back to my mistake. I hate it, but its hard not to.
I know the feeling Young. I’m having less and less to say too. For me, it’s just the same old garbage, and I only end up spewing my guts on here when things just boil over, and some new horrible event happens in my life.
I’m happy you’re back. I think it was wise that you told him you wanted to ‘figure things out’ first. At the same time, too much wisdom actually works against you. Don’t think so hard that you pass up opportunities to be happy. Drifting is the worst. Good luck Young. The advice I give you is this: *opens up a fortune cookie* remember to take risks.
But seriously, maybe it’ll help? Anyways, good to hear from you.
That’s what I use this for really. Considering everyone on here is understanding and tries to help and give advice whenever they can, and I cant exactly talk to friends and family about it now, can I?
I wish I hadn’t said anything to him, maybe I could still find a little ounce of happiness in the things that I do knowing that someone loves me, but I cant, not anymore.
Thankyou so much though
Hi! I’m new here but I’m certainly making my rounds! I think everyone in this forum is just wonderful. I can relate so much to how you respond, in what Aarong said is an addictive behavior, punishing yourself, berating yourself, blaming yourself. I feel like it helps me because if I know what a shit bag I am, then in a sense I am taking responsibility for my misfortune. I think, well if I recognize this behavior is wrong, then next time I will try to do better. But I always find something to hate about myself, always a new mistake or misstep. I’m really getting tired of it. Talking about it helps but I’m not looking for help, just to make sense of my madness and not allow it to keep holding me back.
Relationships are funny, difficult for most people. Just look at all the products geared toward making us more lovable, more attractive, look at all the romance novels, the movies, the fairy tales, all the stuff that impresses upon is that yes a committed relationship is important. We don’t want to be alone. We want to share the good stuff, feel comforted over the bad, we want the happy ending. But I’ve found, it’s mostly not true. All relationships are hard and take work. And that’s ok. As long as we are with someone who is willing to invest as much into us as we are into them. Yes it’s sad it didn’t work out and yes it’s ok to miss him. But think about it, would he really have your back long term if he could flake out so easily? There are tons more beautiful souls to meet!! Don’t get down on yourself for living true to whom you are. xx
I guess It was just that he made me happy, like really happy, and it was nice to know what someone appreciated and loved me, but not so much anymore. I think I’ll always miss him, I think I may have fallen for him but its all gone now, its time I move on, he has.
I hope you manage to make sense of all of this and sort yourself. Although you said you’re not looking for help, I’m here to talk if you ever need to, just email me cro0kedyoung@outlook.com