Home General My Story
Report Post

My Story

by veryeasygoing

Hi there person reading this my name is Barry :D. I hope you would read my story and how I’m at the point of just..being done. *Excuse my horrid grammar/spelling*

It all started when I started to live with my Mom. l had a step-dad, but I never really got to meet my real dad since he died in a car accident. It was around the age of 7 I think I moved with my Mom since I used to live with my grandma.

During elementary school people would judge me because of the way I walked. They used to say I always stuck out my chest and walked as if I was a girl. I didn’t really care that much. I didn’t know I was gay since I never found any boys or girls attractive so I didn’t really understood when they kept calling me gay and asking if I liked boys or girls since I always answered that I didn’t like any girls or boys.

Fast forward to Middle school. I matured a lot more since I was in elementary in school and understood a lot more than an average 6th grader. They always used to laugh at the way I walk and people would look at me and laugh. They just laugh at me because I’m gay. I didn’t care. Until 8th grade. It was 8th grade year and we were soon to be a freshmen in high school and I was so happy since I got to leave the hellish school that haunts me.

I rarely had any friends. About 4 or 3. I wasn’t social, I was just anti-social so I have bad conversation skills. I was usually called the quiet gay boy that was just plain boring. I just didn’t understand.

My birthday came and..that was the day that I think the depression started but I couldn’t really tell. I was walking back from lunch and these group of boys decided to throw their food at me and the admins of the school did NOTHING. After having food being thrown at me a boy came up from behind me and punched me in the jaw. I fell to the ground while everyone laughed and my friends just walked away. I felt like shit. I hated it. I came back home and usually my mom is out always working so when she came home I thought she had something special for me. Of course you would think that your mom wouldn’t forget about your birthday..right?

Well she did.

I then knew I was all alone and just cried the whole night.

Here comes freshmen year. I’m 14 now. I started self harming during the summer when I just couldn’t take it anymore. My mom never said ”I love you” back to me. Always worked never had enough time for me even when she had days off. She just didn’t care about me anymore. I didn’t have any friends so I was just always stuck in my room, doing nothing. Just on my computer consuming my days of loneliness.

The beginning of my freshmen year I spotted a boy I liked. Blonde hair, skin color white, with hazel eyes and a great smile. I asked about him through my friend Bryan and my friend Bryan said he knew him and they were friends. I was interested in him..but what I didn’t know is that I was being naive..

A couple days after I met him and we instantly became best friends. I always thought about him day and night, but I knew I shouldn’t but I did anyways. Falling in love with my straight best friend…one of the worst things that could happen to a gay guy.

He always hugs me and teases me…caresses my cheek and calls me ”Barry-boo” through text. He used to have a girlfriend but broke up with her and now is looking for another girl. I always kept telling myself that I shouldn’t love him…but I always thought about him day and night.

Kinda going off track here but..why would he want to be friends with me? I’m such a boring person. Why would a interesting amazing person like him be interested in becoming best friends with me? I don’t get it and its making me lost and hurt at the same time. I hate myself because I’m boring,lame,ugly,fat, and just plain lame.
Today I went over his house. I don’t know how I felt about that. I was glad I was with him but at the same time I was just telling my self to not think about him. Everytime I thought about him, I cut myself…and that didn’t go well..was hard to hide.

He gave me this dogtag that he got from this new orleans voodoo shop. He came up to me and grabbed it and put it over my neck. I felt…special..but at the same time I knew it wasn’t right. I don’t know why he gave it to me. He’s driving me insane and I don’t know what to do.
He knew I liked him but he still is doing what he does now.
It hurts so much..
then I have to deal with people laughing at me for being gay.

They look at me as if I’m a creature.
A creature from another planet that doesn’t belong here.
They call me harsh words but the worst part is when
they beat you just because you exist, just because you’re
gay.
What did I ever do?

I just can’t take these feelings anymore, they hurt so much.

9 comments
0

Related posts

9 comments

crockpot14 12/3/2015 - 9:09 pm

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in actual tears right now because of how badly you are treated for being yourself. I hope you can get over this boy, because he does not deserve someone as great as you. If he is treating you like that, you need to walk away. It is gonna hurt and you are going to want to go back to him but you can’t. Down the road he is going to realize everything he ever wanted was most likely in you and you will be happily living your life with the person of your dreams. He will realize his mistakes of never treating you good, if you leave. If you stay he will just walk all over you, and you will realize your mistake of staying. I hope you don’t get mad at me for saying this about you and him, I just want to help. Please do everything you can to make yourself happy in the end, you deserve it.

veryeasygoing 12/3/2015 - 11:39 pm

@crockpot14

Thank you, and no I’m not mad at you, there would be no reason to haha :). You’re just stating your opinion and what I should do and I agree too but at the same time my heart is saying no I shouldn’t and its so hard..he cares for me but I don’t know what to do. He knows that I self harm and stuff and worries about me too…it still hurts that the fact that I’m trying to get over him and the hugs/caressing of my cheeks isn’t helping me get over him. It’s so hard. I know you’re trying to help and I sincerely thank you.

Its just…I love him so much…ugh I hate it. I don’t know but hopefully..I’ll be able to work this out because it hurts my heart so much.

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/3/2015 - 9:20 pm

Is he treating you badly? I get from this post he is being your friend. Is he teasing you? I see a boy being friend with another boy truthfully.

veryeasygoing 12/3/2015 - 11:33 pm

@Hazy Day Sunflower

He isn’t treating me badly at all..but the fact that he knows I like him and he continues to tease me more than he does any of his other friends and i know in the long run it’ll just hurt me because i’m getting too attached to him

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/3/2015 - 11:36 pm

High school boys aren’t very emotionally developed. It would be sad to lose a friend, but if you have landed here then when is happening isn’t the best thing for you. I don’t have any quick fixes unfortunately. But I don’t think just dumping him is the answer either.

veryeasygoing 12/3/2015 - 11:43 pm

@Hazy Day Sunflower

I don’t think dumping him is the answer either also, but I don’t wanna lose a friend..I’m just so lost at the moment.

I’ve always thought that I was..a boring friend. Like I can’t keep a conversation alive and it makes me feel so..distant.

Putting that aside I just really hope that maybe in the next couple years I’m still in high school with him and things change (in a good way). I just don’t get why he teases me and stuff, it sucks!!!!

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/3/2015 - 11:56 pm

Neither do I. The reasons are endless. However I promise things get better after high school. Maybe you could join a GLBT teen support group in your area. I used to love going to their dances when I was in college. I was up to my eyeballs in GLBT friends and they dragged me about everywhere with them. Maybe you could find support in that direction?

veryeasygoing 12/3/2015 - 11:58 pm

I don’t know if there is any in my area, but I’ll try and find out, thanks for the information. I’ll definitely be looking until then, I hope things with my best friend goes out well 🙂

tiredthoughts 12/4/2015 - 10:18 am

I agree with Hazy. It sounds like a true friend that might not be taking life too seriously and because you two are friends he might feel like he can.. joke with you. You sound really smart, maybe talking to him about what is on your mind for real, might help. As for the bullies i got beat up everyday at school because how i looked. Enduring the bad that people do, strengthens you. I hope my comment makes sense in a way

Leave a Comment