Hi there person reading this my name is Barry :D. I hope you would read my story and how I’m at the point of just..being done. *Excuse my horrid grammar/spelling*
It all started when I started to live with my Mom. l had a step-dad, but I never really got to meet my real dad since he died in a car accident. It was around the age of 7 I think I moved with my Mom since I used to live with my grandma.
During elementary school people would judge me because of the way I walked. They used to say I always stuck out my chest and walked as if I was a girl. I didn’t really care that much. I didn’t know I was gay since I never found any boys or girls attractive so I didn’t really understood when they kept calling me gay and asking if I liked boys or girls since I always answered that I didn’t like any girls or boys.
Fast forward to Middle school. I matured a lot more since I was in elementary in school and understood a lot more than an average 6th grader. They always used to laugh at the way I walk and people would look at me and laugh. They just laugh at me because I’m gay. I didn’t care. Until 8th grade. It was 8th grade year and we were soon to be a freshmen in high school and I was so happy since I got to leave the hellish school that haunts me.
I rarely had any friends. About 4 or 3. I wasn’t social, I was just anti-social so I have bad conversation skills. I was usually called the quiet gay boy that was just plain boring. I just didn’t understand.
My birthday came and..that was the day that I think the depression started but I couldn’t really tell. I was walking back from lunch and these group of boys decided to throw their food at me and the admins of the school did NOTHING. After having food being thrown at me a boy came up from behind me and punched me in the jaw. I fell to the ground while everyone laughed and my friends just walked away. I felt like shit. I hated it. I came back home and usually my mom is out always working so when she came home I thought she had something special for me. Of course you would think that your mom wouldn’t forget about your birthday..right?
Well she did.
I then knew I was all alone and just cried the whole night.
Here comes freshmen year. I’m 14 now. I started self harming during the summer when I just couldn’t take it anymore. My mom never said ”I love you” back to me. Always worked never had enough time for me even when she had days off. She just didn’t care about me anymore. I didn’t have any friends so I was just always stuck in my room, doing nothing. Just on my computer consuming my days of loneliness.
The beginning of my freshmen year I spotted a boy I liked. Blonde hair, skin color white, with hazel eyes and a great smile. I asked about him through my friend Bryan and my friend Bryan said he knew him and they were friends. I was interested in him..but what I didn’t know is that I was being naive..
A couple days after I met him and we instantly became best friends. I always thought about him day and night, but I knew I shouldn’t but I did anyways. Falling in love with my straight best friend…one of the worst things that could happen to a gay guy.
He always hugs me and teases me…caresses my cheek and calls me ”Barry-boo” through text. He used to have a girlfriend but broke up with her and now is looking for another girl. I always kept telling myself that I shouldn’t love him…but I always thought about him day and night.
Kinda going off track here but..why would he want to be friends with me? I’m such a boring person. Why would a interesting amazing person like him be interested in becoming best friends with me? I don’t get it and its making me lost and hurt at the same time. I hate myself because I’m boring,lame,ugly,fat, and just plain lame.
Today I went over his house. I don’t know how I felt about that. I was glad I was with him but at the same time I was just telling my self to not think about him. Everytime I thought about him, I cut myself…and that didn’t go well..was hard to hide.
He gave me this dogtag that he got from this new orleans voodoo shop. He came up to me and grabbed it and put it over my neck. I felt…special..but at the same time I knew it wasn’t right. I don’t know why he gave it to me. He’s driving me insane and I don’t know what to do.
He knew I liked him but he still is doing what he does now.
It hurts so much..
then I have to deal with people laughing at me for being gay.
They look at me as if I’m a creature.
A creature from another planet that doesn’t belong here.
They call me harsh words but the worst part is when
they beat you just because you exist, just because you’re
What did I ever do?
I just can’t take these feelings anymore, they hurt so much.