UPDATE: I started typing this last night when I was on the verge of killing myself. Obviously I didn’t….. But I decided to share anyways.
Here I am telling my story to strangers, that will never really know me. I could have told someone else, but she wouldn’t listen. I could have told her family, but it would have hurt them too much. It destroys me to know the amount of pain they will endure, but at what point do I get to stop suffering? I can’t carry on living in misery, just to spare everyone some pain. Life is a giant shit sandwich, and right now I’m just trying to get as much crust as possible
Ya know for years I fought depression hard. I worked many charity events with the goal to help reduce veteran suicide. now here I am, waiting to die. Knowing the time is drawing close. The irony of my death is not lost upon me. In fact I chuckle a little now.
I suppose some of you will want to know what drove me to this. There is no singular answer to this. This was a long time coming. In fact I’ve tried before. Twice. First time was 16 years ago. Tried hanging myself. I was found after the rope broke, bleeding and unconscious, but alive after a 2 story fall. 14 years ago I tried to shoot myself. had an old single shot 12 gauge, put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger. It didn’t fire. Pulled the shell, primer was dented but it didn’t go off. my hands were shaking so bad I couldn’t reload it, and I sat there crying till the next morning.
I didn’t have a great childhood, then again I really couldn’t complain too much. I always had the bare essentials. I grew up in a split family home. Summers I spent with my mother, and one of her seemingly never ending stream of boyfriends. Most of the time I lived with my workaholic father, his very mentally abusive wife, and my older step sister who molested me from an early age, and continued on up into our teens.
I joined the Marine Corps to escape that life, but took a piece of it with me in the form of a woman. She cheated on me for the entirety of our relationship, and each time she got caught I would end it. Then eventually she would worm her way back into a relationship with me. I know my its my fault. I’m an idiot.
Well I know some of yall are smart, and I know everything out there is on Google. Some of you will figure out who I am. Why should I care? I’ll be dead and you can say, oh hey I read this guy’s suicide note. But I won’t reveal my name as per the rules. However as I said its pretty easy to find it out.
About a year and a half ago I was a contestant on a reality TV show. I did very well, but unfortunately I got very sick and left early. However I faced a massive lashback from hundreds of people, because when I left, my partner (who I had done everything for to ensure success) had to complete the challenge alone. Some of the messages were so hate filled. A couple of them even advised me to do exactly what I am contemplating tonight….
That didn’t help my depression and it was part of why I started my second adventure. I took off to go to Syria and fight against ISIS with a local militia. I went to Syria to die. As it turned out I didn’t die (obviously) and ended up being happy. Very happy. It was a difficult life full of death, destruction, and mayhem. It may be twisted of me but in my life, I have never felt anything close to really living, except in a firefight.
Now enter K. K changed my life. Almost a year ago we became friends on facebook, and started talking on a nightly basis. Things quickly evolved between us, and I left Syria for a week to go visit her. After that wonderful, amazing week was over I went back to Syria but something had changed. My comrades said I was a different man. I didn’t fight with the same reckless abandon, I didn’t volunteer for mission after mission after mission anymore. I had decided I wanted to live, and I loved this woman. She changed how I saw the world. No longer were things black and white, but a million different hues of glorious color . K and I made plans to get married after the war. A month came and went and she demanded that I leave Syria and come be with her. I instantly gave up that life for her. Unfortunately the employment situation wasn’t great and I ended up getting screwed by a company that owes me nearly 15k and had to return home to try and get financially stable so I could come back to her. I have sold my motorcycle, most of my guns, 2 of my cars, and a plethora of other stuff. I had back surgery a couple weeks ago and while in the hospital got a dear john letter….. And now she wont even speak to me. No closure, nothing. shes put me on a restricted list on facebook, even though she wont remove the engaged status. I just cant bring myself to do it.
I don’t have many of my possessions left. Sold so much, given up so much for K. I love her with all my heart and still do, but unrequited love is the most painful kind. I just cant take it anymore. I gave up everything for her….I have little to nothing left, I cant even go back to Syria cause the fucking government is constantly up my ass watching me. I wouldn’t be surprised if some Alphabet Agency knocks on my door within an hour of me posting this….
That’s why I have decided to kill myself. Because I cant stand my life. The only thing I had going for me, my saving grace if you will, has abandoned me. I really have nobody but her. which is why I am on here telling a bunch of complete strangers.
If you ever read this K, just know I loved you with all my heart. I am sorry for what you are about to endure, but in the end, its your actions that drove me to this. Maybe, maybe the next guy to fall for you can be spared….because I hope you will never do this to anyone again. Adios my love
As cliché as it sounds…..
Goodbye Cruel World.
10 comments
Glad you didn’t do it.
yeah, well shit happens. I’m okay right this minute. But hey, I could wake up today and be feeling just as bad or worse.
I just realized how obnoxiously long this post was. My bad yall. Sorry.
It’s fine, man. If it’s worth ending your life over, it’s worth writing a novella about. At the very least.
well phrased sir. I must say I chuckled a bit at that. Thank you. And very true as well!
Haha, no problem. I’m happy that I could bring humor into such a dark time for you. Take care, rabbit.
You should see the epic masturbatory posts I write. We all do it, it is one of the reasons why this site exists. That and I guess music. Poetry. Art. The occasional inappropriate picture and of course each of us encouraging each other to walk forward another day.
well that was not what I expected. Just how much can someone expound upon masturbatory habits?
they say before you can love another you must love yourself. I guess the literal interpretation of that is valid as well.
Really not as much of a condescending asshole as I sound like on here. I don’t know why I am so snarky today.
Well there are quite a few of us that are both witty and snarky so you should get along fine. We are all in the same boat, some floating way further out to sea than others. We throw ropes to each other so as to tow eachother closer to each other or to shore. Some grab the rope others don’t. I just try to meet people where they are and in the process help myself. I see a little of myself in each person here.
BTW the majority of us deeply respect the privacy of each other and don’t try to figure out who each of us are IRL. It really is what makes this place work.
I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel like i can struggle through the day and be okay. Then something happens and it’s the end of the world. Getting cut out of someone’s life, someone you cared about deeply, it hurts. It ends up being really hard, especially for people like us. But that’s what will make us stronger in the end. We survive more then “normal” people.
We can do this, otherwise, we would have already done what we want. I’m told that it’ll get better, and to just hang on to something. See if you can find that something to hang on to, cling to.