Still low, doing okay, feel alone. I’ll be alright…

I’m hoping this is just something that will pass shortly but I think it’s going to be here for a while, I thought I might as well just type out how I’m feeling.

I’m sat in my house alone. My family have gone to their friend’s for a party leaving me here, I don’t blame them for the past couple months I’ve been the most depressing person to be around. I’m not seeing this getting any better anytime soon and honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. My friends are all dressed up and at a party I wasn’t invited to, so I’ve got no one to spend any time with right now. I’ve got no one. I am literally alone. I just wish there was someone here right now, not to do anything but just be here and care about me. I don’t want to die but I really don’t feel like I’m living right now. I can’t just grab my coat and go for a walk because my parents will get scared and it will ruin their night. I’m also well known because I had a lot of friends before all this, someone would recognise me and that would ruin their night. I’ve got no one I can turn to and, although I’m feeling okay right now, if I start thinking or have some kind of panic attack there’s no one here to comfort me or stop me doing anything stupid.

I feel as though I’ve become a huge burden on other people’s lives and I just want things to go back to the way they were. Friends, socialising, parties… Being happy. I want to be happy again but so many people are worried about me that I can’t do what I used to anymore because they are afraid for me.

It’s the horrible aftermath of trying to take your own life. Nobody trusts you again. Nobody understands that doing what I want to do isn’t going to depress me or make me suicidal. It’s going to make me remember how to be happy.

I just can’t see myself being happy anymore though.

I don’t want to live if I’m just existing.
I don’t want to die either.

I’ve got my bag packed. Warm clothes, all my money, solar charger for my phone so I can stay in contact with my family, my passport and a really good tent as well. I kind of just want to leave. Leave this corrupt place behind me and never comeback. I’m scared though. I can’t go far because I have college (A-levels) to finish so I’d have to live somewhere close enough to the city so that I can still attend college if I’m going to leave. Otherwise I will have to scrap them and do them again next year. I’m am undecided because I know that if I leave it will effect my future forever and in a negative way. I want to go to university and leaving my home behind will stop that from happening. I don’t want to risk my future on this just to try and find something that I might not ever find.

I’m going to go looking for hope. A reason that staying alive is worth it because at the moment I’ve lost it. I’m confused and alone. I don’t know where I can find help. I don’t think I need it. I am a strong person and i will figure this out. I just need to get things out sometimes and talking to someone isn’t easy, this is.

A message to anyone thinking of doing something stupid tonight. I’ve been there, it’s dark and cold, but you’re not alone. Even if like me you feel alone all the time, you’re not. Something happens in our heads to make us feel this way. I’m still alive cause I want to know what it is and why this has happened to me. Just find one thing to grab onto, an idea, a memory. Literally anything and don’t let go.

Have a good New Year all.