I’m 30 now and still can’t Forget my father spanking me, pointing the gun to my mom’s head. My older brother and sister hitting me and hurting me, and other kids making fun of me at school. They hurt me so many times and then they ran away soon and I had to grow up as an only son. I cannot forget that I could not sleep quietly because he threatened so many times of starting a fire on our house and on me and my mom in the Middle of the night and Kill us both and himself right after. I can’t just erase and get over so many memories of almost dying and having suicide feelings since I was little.
People would say I’m stupid and childish (and I know I am) for being an adult and letting that memories from youth make me feel like that.
But how can I erase the constant feeling which was my companion all along my existence…
That I’m here by accident, I’m just a mistake, a total lost of space, I shouldn’t be here, I wasn’t born to live good things or an enjoyable life, I just don’t deserve to be happy.
and it would be so much better if I had died earlier, or had never been born, since I was never planned in first place.
All my life was about just keep surviving those feelings and I never built anything for me. I don’t see a meaning in anything and can’t answer to the question “whats the point”
It doesn’t matter… And even so, I don’t Kill myself and end it all. And Why I haven’t done it yet? Why I haven’t killed myself? Because I’m stupid…
I feel so sick of simply existing…
I know he used to hurt my mom when she was pregnant… If only he had hit her harder… All of this could be avoided. That was my feeling since I was 7
It’s so painfull to live a life which was never meant to be
I can’t forget that I was born destroyed.
But it gives me so much piece of mind the thought of knowing I can end it all. I can put myself to sleep, and simply rest.
If only I get the strength
Someone, who is not stupid as I am, please kill me. Just kill me quick
6 comments
You are not stupid for surviving such difficult and horrible circumstances. You are not stupid for being traumatised by all that abuse and negativity. Most of us were probably born accidents. I was the result of make up sex after a fight between my parents, my sister was too. My son wasn’t planned but I love him to bits. We might be accidents and we may have been unwanted but that doesn’t mean that we are a waste of space. I don’t think anyone knows what the point is, maybe there is no point but we are here now so we might as well try and do something with that?
I’m in survival mode too. I had a very similar upbringing, where everyday I felt like I was walking on eggshells at home. I got used to being like that, and so everywhere I went it felt like I had to be careful not to upset anyone or get into conflicts with people. I don’t think you’re stupid. I think the both of us have developed in a way that makes it difficult to live, and people don’t understand because they HAVEN’T grown up that way. They don’t know what the eggshells are about. We get labeled as “sensitive” or “*****”, when in reality, we’re the best anyone can be having been out in those situations. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you’re not stupid. I feel it too, and I suspect lots of people on SP. (Sorry for the long post)
I totally relate to the eggshells thing. I have always felt that if I made my parents too angry they would just kick me out and leave me to die or if I made my brother too angry he would try to kill me, and I’m not sure if I could win. I think I could physically win, but I don’t think I could kill him when I had him in the headlock, whereas he could kill me when I got tired and had to let him go. I’m adopted, but I’ve always felt like I might have to kill my adopted father because he might try to kill my mother, which isn’t accurate because he’s never physically hurt my mother, even so, I envision this hostage situation, my father holding my mother threatening or trying to kill her, and me bursting in with a shotgun or rifle and having to take him out. For clarity, I was adopted when I was twelve and a lot of things similar to Nowhere88’s happened to me before my adoption.
I relate to almost everything you said, but the part about your siblings and the gun. I was raised by a control freak mother and a pedophile stepfather. To this day I suffer from insomnia and feelings of inadequacy and guilt. I have no idea what I’m still doing here. I should have been an abortion, too. My “father” tried to force my mom to abort me, but she wouldn’t change her mind. I have no advices to offer, but you’re not alone. Hugs.
I was in such horrific pain I was slamming myself back and forth against two walls try to gett the pain out. I told Jesus if there’s no hell Im going to take this bottle of aspirin. I told Him I needed Him to prove to me He was God or I would take the aspirin. When I didnt get an immediate answer I got so angry and enraged. I couldnt take the pain any longer. But God did answer my prayer. and He proved Himself to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus is Lord. He met me where I was at and knew exactly how to show me He is God.. He says in the Bible “Come to me all you who are burdened and heavy laden and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Cast your care upon me, for I care for you. For I am meek and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls.
Jesus also says “I will heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds”….”a wounded spirit who can bear?” “The Lord is near to the broken hearted”
“He who calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved”
“Old things have passed away, all things have become new”
“Behold, I will do a new thing”
Jesus Christ proved to me He is God. He healed and completely takes away my pain” He has not only brought healing to my emotions and mind but also miraculously in my body after 2 car accidents. Jesus is real, He loves you with an everlasting love.
Jesus says “Behold, I stand at the door and knock if any one opens the door I will come in to him and sup with him. He will will come in and go out and find pasture” “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life” John 3:16 Call upon His name, and He will save you, pour out your heart to Him..tell Him everything cry out to Him. He will bend down to listen and help you where you are no matter what you have been through or what you might have done, He will give you eternal life, forgive your mistakes no matter how bad they might be and heal your pain. He will guide you and give you the help you need. He is a “very present help in trouble” Open the door of your heart to Him and He will live in you. and you have life, and have it more abundantly. He has done it for me and millions of others, He will do it for you too because of His great love for you. He will show you the way.
you are not stupid.?i really understand your feeling. when i was a kid, my father always said me
that `you are stupid` `you are worthless` …. he always said me these words untill i turned 16.
now i am 26. i still dont have confidense myself and i hate myself so much. because i can not forget what he said me . and i am scared of think about future and talking to people .
i dont have friends… i want to go shopping with friends but i cant… i am always alone…and i think about suicide every single day. but i can not kill myself… becouse i am scared…i dont know why i was born in this world. this world sucks…
so you are not stupid at all. i can understand your pain…if you feel alone, just talk to me…
i am alone too…