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trying to solve a 10X10 Matrix, not sure where to start …

by jadedkeizy

I told my sister I was sick and she didn’t believe me. Not until I mailed her a suicide note and travelled to a far away destination where I booked a cottage to kill myself. She sent me a lot of texts telling me how much she loved me but it was too late. Ingested the poison but was discovered by one of the custodians, rushed to hospital and later shipped back home where I was committed to a psyche ward.

All this happened  2 months ago. I am still here and still standing. Trying to recover from that nasty experience is not an easy task. Finding motivation is equally hard. Sometimes I just lay on my bed and stare into oblivion and before I know it, the day just goes by. I am stll trying to figure out how to re-animate as a man again but not sure where to start. Every option seemingly tappers off to a dead end.  Has any one here been through this phase where they are unsure of what really want out of Life?? I feel like an outcast, I feel so misplaced, am I supposed to be on this Planet???

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bruiseviolet 12/3/2015 - 4:12 am

Maybe it is irrational but my thought is that if you are here you are supposed to be here. I don’t know if the reason for being can be found laying down staring at the ceiling although that is basically what zen and other monks and nuns around the world are doing. I suppose the reason for your being to your sister is to be her brother. It must have been traumatic to be ”saved” the way you were, I’m sorry that you went through that but I suppose I am glad you survived (even though that is irrational because I don’t know you and you don’t want to be here). I hope you find some reason to carry on. Sometimes I think ”I’m here so I might as well make the best of it and see what happens”. I am certainly a misfit and not especially well liked because I am different but I try and make myself useful and well that is it really, that is all I’ve got.

jadedkeizy 12/3/2015 - 2:06 pm

Thank you for your kind words bruiseviolet. I’ll keep questing to help me find something to keep me going.

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/3/2015 - 2:08 pm

Sometimes daily. Especially during the holidays.

jadedkeizy 12/3/2015 - 5:30 pm

The holidays leave you alone with your thoughts, been there. I Hear you Hazy 🙁

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