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What the hell does all this mean?

by BlueEyes

Sorry this is so long, but I’m so confused and heartbroken right now.  I need advice/opinions.

This past weekend was a party at a friend’s house.  MC (my friend that I love so deeply and can’t get over) was there, but I felt OK.  I was OK when people were talking to J (MC’s fiancé) about what wedding dress she going to buy.  Just to be safe though, I avoided MC. But after awhile it felt childish to be talking to everyone but him.  So I said hello and we joked around a little. He was in a great mood, but he kept putting his face and hands very close to my face when we were talking, so much so I noticed it and it internally upset me.  Why was he so much in my “personal space”?

At one point I sat down on the stairs and he came up and sat down next to me and we had another joke together which everyone laughed along at. We sat next to each other like that for quite awhile.  I felt such an attraction to him while sitting next to him (and we weren’t even touching) and it made me so shy and sad. Don’t know if he felt it too; I tell myself it’s all in my mind.  But can an attraction ‘vibe ‘ be felt by only one person? Was this the chemistry we had reappearing?

The next night a group of us (A and C, MC and J, me and my husband) went to see a local rock band and we all sat at the same table.  My husband at least stayed and was in a good mood (he left early from the previous party).  My husband and I had a few drinks and we sat close to each other; he put his arm around me and I leaned on his shoulder while we watched the band. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt really happy and connected to my husband and was having a good time.  I focused on the band so I wouldn’t have to talk to MC or J. I noticed MC was doing some weird things though, like putting both arms around J while trying to pour half his beer into J’s empty glass while holding both glasses.  J looked surprised.  Anyway, MC and J left before we did.  Relaxing with my husband’s arm still around me, I waved goodbye, J waved goodbye back, but MC came over and squeezed my shoulder hard, to which I instinctively (and stupidly) gave his hand a hard squeeze back. And I became unnerved by his gesture because years ago he squeezed my shoulder like that and I melted with attraction, and he knows it.  So why did he squeeze my should now?  Why did he feel he needed to touch me? Did he remember that it “melted” me or was he just being friendly?   Does he still have feelings for me, was he jealous, is this all in my head?  What the hell am I supposed to do? 

His actions at the party and club dragged up so much heartbreak and longing. I was getting so much better, but now I’m a wreck again. My therapist thought his actions were odd, but offered no opinions since he didn’t know what to make of it either.  Has anyone done this or experienced this?  What the hell do you think it all mean?



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Hazy Day Sunflower 12/2/2015 - 1:21 pm

God, please run if you want to keep your marriage intact. Btdt it causes nothing but heartache. But that is just one crazy chicken lady’s opinion.

Lacalamity 12/2/2015 - 2:22 pm

Think too much over stuff that don’t matter and will only create drama, don’t fall for it, have some quality time with YOUR husband.

usedcanvas 12/2/2015 - 3:42 pm

I’ve been through something like this. When me and my ex broke up I was a mess and he knew it but once I actually moved on and he saw me happy he would talk to me even more. I ended up figuring out that he still wanted to have me as an option if things didn’t work out with his new girl. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here but it sounds very familiar. I believe he’s just finally getting jealous that you found actual happiness. Spend time with your husband and enjoy that time.

BlueEyes 12/3/2015 - 9:21 am

usedcanvas, thank you for sharing your story. It does indeed feel like he’s jealous and I can’t understand it. He’s told me he loves J, and he knows my husband and I are having troubles but we’re working on them. If anyone should be jealous it should be me. I thought he’d moved on and was happy. MC and I have a silent agreement that talking about problems in our relationships is off limits after he started asking me questions last spring when I was in a bad state. At the time he was only trying to help, he didn’t know it was a marriage thing. As for me finding “actual happiness” I wish that were true. That night was just a fluke; my husband and I are content but rarely happy together anymore.

nepheliad 12/2/2015 - 4:12 pm

You might think “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence” but it usually isn’t. That physical attraction you feel can happen with more than one person at the same time. It doesn’t mean anything. Focus on rebuilding things with your husband and forget about this selfish flirty friend. At some point in the future you may be happily with your husband and you will hear he recklessly left his fiancée for someone he just met, because he’s chasing that ‘chemical rush,’ the temporary thrill of lust, and you will be SO thankful you didn’t let him ruin your marriage – because if he had, it would be you he’s leaving for someone new.

muspelhem 12/2/2015 - 8:37 pm

I think you know what it means, but you’re hoping someone else will deal with it for you. You want to fuck the emcee and the emcee wants to fuck you. He has a fiancé and you have a husband. Dilemma…

The truth of the matter is it’s your CHOICE. You can choose to cheat on your husband or leave your husband and fuck the emcee.

Or you can hope the emcee thing will blow over and stay with your hubby.

Meanwhile, check out Helen Fisher’s TED Talk. She explains stuff like this.

BlueEyes 12/3/2015 - 9:51 am

Thanks muspelhem, I shall check out that TED Talk. Your diagnosis would have been correct a year ago, and I thought the latter had happened – that it all blew over and we were staying with our partners. As for choice, it really wasn’t ever MY choice. It takes two to tango and while he made all the advances, I believed he ultimately realized he didn’t want to risk his relationship. I totally respected that and I’ve been trying to “get over” him ever since. Why he’s starting this up again (if that’s what’s he’s doing) baffles me. In fairness to him, he hasn’t a clue how much I still love him; if he did I’d like to think he’d respect my feelings more. And while I still love him very much, I find the attraction more heartbreaking than exciting because I don’t trust where it will lead.

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