Yes, I feel like sh*t

Yes, I feel like shit and I should be allowed to feel like shit.

So, on Christmas day, I went out to eat with the guy that I like at a Chinese buffet. He’s getting his life together pretty well, he’s gotten a car from a friend and had a job off the record. He had to go afterwards though because he is popular and has tons of people in his life. I saw something on his page from the person he’s renting from, which is a girl who likes him (and is dating someone else but here in Chicago everyone has a dozen boyfriends or girlfriends at once) gushing about whatever he gave her for xmas, and I hate even thinking of it because it really got to me to think what did he do, fuck her or let her play with him or some shit? And yeah I just feel so useless and worthless and like shit.

Even worse when one of the guys I’m renting from comments one of my posts and basically says I’m not allowed to feel like shit now because I’m a practicing Buddhist, and that if I say anything bad about myself, that I’m slandering the religion and myself and causing myself to not receive any blessings. And then the guy I like comments that and says that he’s been telling me to not look down on myself either. … But how the hell can I not!?! When I know damn well it’s my looks that keep him from being with me, keep me from getting laid, and generally keeps me from getting anywhere in life too. How in the hell am I not supposed to feel the effects of being the ugliest person in the world?!!? I really wanted to reply to that comment and say that Buddhism may be able to fix a lot of things but it can’t fix my face! I’m not going to wake up one day in a different body and be shocked to see a stranger’s face in the mirror! But of course, I didn’t reply at all. People just can’t see the real world outside of their thick rose colored glasses.

I had a horrible experience trying to get home yesterday. I can’t walk on snow because of sinking in to each step and because it’s slick, I have to hunch over when I have a bad back and have trouble standing on dry ground, but the snow makes it 1000x worse. I got completely soaked coming home, between the snow/rain/slush falling, cars splashing me, having to sit on snow/slush, and having to walk through a foot & a half deep rivers of slushy ice water at every god damn stop and every god damn corner with no choice but to go straight through because I would end up on the ground and crawling home at any second and I didn’t want to have to crawl because I knew my hands couldn’t take the cold of the icy slush water. It was the worst pain I’ve ever been in and every step was beyond excruciating. Even if I had a wheelchair, a wheelchair can’t get through snow.

And yes, I feel like shit because I’ve been trying so fucking hard to get better and I suddenly just get worse off than I’ve ever been! I feel like shit because I can’t improve myself no matter how hard I try, how much I change, no matter what I do, no matter how much I fight against it, no matter how hard I push myself, no matter how hard I pray/chant/believe it’ll get better, absolutely nothing fucking matters and like some higher power flipping a fucking switch, I instantly lose some more of what little ability to get around that I once had. And yes I feel like shit because I feel like a failure. I’m a failure because I don’t know what the fuck to do to repair my body. All my efforts only end up backfiring and I get worse off instead of better. I haven’t bought any junk food in a few weeks and feel like I’ve been eating a lot less because I don’t have the snacks around. But what the fuck does that matter??? Some supreme fucking being says, “Fuck you, I intend for you to be crippled!” and makes it worse!!!

So yes I feel like shit today because I woke up to that shit on facebook that upset me and hurt me, and because I’ve been in the most pain I’ve ever been in in my life and I can barely fucking hobble to the bathroom! So what happens once these guys move out of state?! What happens when my legs stop working at all and I really can’t fucking stand up!?!? What fucking happens then!?!?! I’m about to cry…..

Ok NOW that I’ve taken a few minutes… What else I was going to say was, that I feel like shit because I spent my little xmas bonus on some dumb shit again like I always do and I feel stupid for even trying. Once again, I let a couple of friends (these being girls. seems only my female friends make any sense to me. sigh.) encourage me to “go for it” and “follow my dreams” when I posted something about being interested in herbal remedies and d.i.y. health, and having been inspired by a story I saw over a year ago to try to make my own pain cream. I wonder when I’ll have the time and energy for it, and now that I’ve ordered a few raw ingredients, I feel like I’m too stupid to make anything myself and I wonder why I’m always trying stupid shit like this, like I think I’m somebody that has something to offer??? I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever done. And I’ve tried to do a lot of other shit that everyone else can do, too. I know that I’m completely and utterly incompetent. So I’m feeling like shit like it was a waste to even want to try, because I know I can’t do anything right, even before getting my hands on it.