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by Mark_1981

I know I’ve posted something similar but I am in a mental state of sureality, a feeling of having woke up from having been in a dream. I acknowledge that I grew up in isolation and in a cult-like environment. I know I’ve posted it before that we were cut off from the outside world, alienated from friends, family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc), neighbours, and so on. Aunts and uncles, though many of them were just 15 km away, stayed away. Despite this distance we didn’t visit either. I went to school but was excluded. At home I played alone. My father was always angry, my mother a religous nut. My mother would always do petty stuff to my father like hide food, deny him access to the fridge though I didn’t have any restrictions. Denying him access to a vehicle resulting in him having to use a tractor instead (she didnt need the vehicle either). The list can go on but in sum, that was my childhood and for a very long time I thought that that was how the world worked, I didnt see anything different. I know that at some point I entered into a false reality, therapists have described it as a means of escapism. And this escapism I’ve lived in for such a long time and arguably how I made it through school. It is this form of escapism that I’ve woken up.

Do I have depression? Yes. I take medication. Do I care about life anymore? I know that whatever life I have, its the only one I get. I personally dont want an afterlife, aside from the idea of one being silly, the thought of existing for eternity is daunting.

I’m turning 35 this year (2016). I havent lived, Ive coped and existed. I don’t desire to live much longer, everyday is a struggle. I sleep as long as possible to avoid my new-found reality, seeing things that were always there but I never saw for the forest. I don’t have drive anymore. I really just don’t care about living, life is in itself a pointless endeavor thrust upon us. I honestly barely take care of myself.

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Mf 1/23/2016 - 7:05 pm

I sort of relate to what you wrote, and i’m sorry that you’ve had to go through that. My family didn’t actively search for isolation, but their core values and my mom’s choices when i was younger led to me doing something similar, ended up living on some sort of alternate reality that i’ve had lots of troubles breaking out of (if i’m honest, i’ve never been able to do it). I’m a bit younger (33), and i can see how trying to adapt can wear you out in the end, and even if my post fixes nothing or has no answers, i did want to thank you for posting you, really helped me reading it… i mean, hey, so i’m not the only alienated like individual who struggles to function? that’s a bittersweet relief (because someone else feels this). I do hope things get at least more endurable for you eventually.

Hazy Day Sunflower 1/23/2016 - 8:30 pm

I just wanted to let you know I read this. I don’t have a lot of advice tonight. I do have this to offer:

youtube.com/watch?v=T4osvuGC0bM

Tristeza 1/23/2016 - 9:41 pm

I relate so much, Mark. Honestly, your post made me cry, part of me doesn’t know why. I don’t want to live either, and I was always away from my family, but the nuclear family, while growing up. No friends, only “God”, “pastors” and a rapist stepfather. We (me and younger sister since our older sis lived with our grandparents) grew up basically in the same way, isolated, though I’ve always lived in a big city. I was raised as an outcast and only left my home by myself, without anyone being physically with me, watching and monitoring me, a few months before turning 21, a couple years ago.
I’m on 3 different meds right now, not because of myself, but because of my sisters, nephew and even my mother. I want to die knowing they will know they did what they could to help me; even if that was taking me to appointments and taking me to the hospital. I’ve been deeply ill and sad, “living” surrealistically inside this bedroom, skipping work and destroying myself every each day. I’ve been trying my best not to come back on SP, and this week went fine, I basically forgot it existed for a long time, but one of my few friends who I’ve decided to keep in touch with just mentioned it, and I came back tonight. Now I have tears in my eyes because I’m glad I read this post. I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad, sorry for this drama. I probably won’t respond if you comment back, since this place has been triggering me, so I will stay away, but if my goldfish memory isn’t wrong, you have my email. Just email me whenever and if you want.
I am sorry to know you have no will to live either — despite being younger than you, I feel the same way. You can stop being an outcast, but most of times you still feel like one. All your “life” — things like that never magically change.
If you do die, I hope you find peace and sleep well forever (that’s what after life is imo).

But I hope you can live.

And love life someday.

.

ML

Mark_1981 1/24/2016 - 2:24 am

Not much is keeping me here. I spent too long in my mind, my alternative world. There is someone who, for whatever reason, grabbed me from my world and “took me in”. It took a long time to her to break through my layers of protection. I still don’t know why she did it. I personally regret letting her for it would be her that I would hurt the most. She didn’t have the best up bringing, she manages however. If I knew I could “slip out” without devastating her, I would.

Life is the disturbance from a peaceful non-existance.

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