I know I’ve posted something similar but I am in a mental state of sureality, a feeling of having woke up from having been in a dream. I acknowledge that I grew up in isolation and in a cult-like environment. I know I’ve posted it before that we were cut off from the outside world, alienated from friends, family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc), neighbours, and so on. Aunts and uncles, though many of them were just 15 km away, stayed away. Despite this distance we didn’t visit either. I went to school but was excluded. At home I played alone. My father was always angry, my mother a religous nut. My mother would always do petty stuff to my father like hide food, deny him access to the fridge though I didn’t have any restrictions. Denying him access to a vehicle resulting in him having to use a tractor instead (she didnt need the vehicle either). The list can go on but in sum, that was my childhood and for a very long time I thought that that was how the world worked, I didnt see anything different. I know that at some point I entered into a false reality, therapists have described it as a means of escapism. And this escapism I’ve lived in for such a long time and arguably how I made it through school. It is this form of escapism that I’ve woken up.
Do I have depression? Yes. I take medication. Do I care about life anymore? I know that whatever life I have, its the only one I get. I personally dont want an afterlife, aside from the idea of one being silly, the thought of existing for eternity is daunting.
I’m turning 35 this year (2016). I havent lived, Ive coped and existed. I don’t desire to live much longer, everyday is a struggle. I sleep as long as possible to avoid my new-found reality, seeing things that were always there but I never saw for the forest. I don’t have drive anymore. I really just don’t care about living, life is in itself a pointless endeavor thrust upon us. I honestly barely take care of myself.