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A little about me.

by storminmormon89

I was deployed to Afghanistan in 2010 as a Lance Corporal in the U.S. Marines. L0ng story short I came back with PTSD and Depression. For me that meant nightmares, fear of public spaces, panic attacks, insomnia, hyper vigilance, anger and flashbacks along with everything that comes with depression. 2011 is when I started to get suicidal and went into the VA ( Veterans Affairs) the first time in September for a week and again in October for about a week. They didn’t fix anything they just gave me a nice cocktail of meds to keep in a zombie like state. Living like that sucks. I couldn’t work or do much of anything else. My day normally consisted of isolating and not eating (I lost 25lbs in a week and a half), watching Netflix and porn, taking my pills and drinking in my room. This is how I lived for about a year. November 2012 I got fed up with it all and tried OD’ing on about 1500mg of Trazodone, and I don’t remember how much of my other sleeping pill. Obviously it didn’t work. I was found and taken to the E.R. No damage was done and they didn’t have to pump my stomach just hook me up to a few IVs and I was good. I went straight from there to a civilian hospital that had a program for veterans and I was there for about a month and a half. I came out of there feeling pretty good and with a new confidence and even got married in 2014. I was also medically retired from the Marine Corps in 2014 due to my PTSD and depression. Things have started to go down hill as I have been having to fight the VA for my benefits and I have started to have the worst migraines and my doctor gave me meds that are weaker than stuff I can get over the counter. I get these migraines 2-3 times a week and they are so bad that all I can do is go lay down in a quiet and dark room and try and take a nap to sleep it off. This has started to affect my marriage as I am at work until about 3 pm then come home and spend the rest of the day laying down by myself. Another thing that came up is the likelihood that I have sleep apnea on top of everything else. The icing on this shit cake is that my retirement was taken away because of a mess up in paperwork back in 2014 when I applied for CRSC so I could keep my VA disability check and collect retirement. So now I cant take care of my family and will be calling it quits here in the next month or two. The plan is this time to go somewhere where no one will find me for a few days and take all my remaining trazodone, prazosin, divalproex, and lithium to knock me the fuck out. Just as I start to feel  all that kick in though I will be putting a large trash bag over my head and tightening it around my neck then binding my hands behind me to keep myself from ripping the bag off when my brain goes into panic mode and I will eventually pass out from the meds and eventually die from lack of oxygen. I’m done with the wife, the VA, and constantly getting screwed over and not getting fixed. I cant and wont live like this. I’m done fighting this hard for the benefits I need.

-Storminmormon out.

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13 comments

storminmormon89 1/13/2016 - 10:18 am

Also to add to the cocktail of meds I’ll be taking will be bupropion, and mirtazapine. I’ve got quite a bit off all of those except the divalproex in which I only have about 2500mg.

200085 1/13/2016 - 11:05 am

Im sorry

Deadinside59 1/13/2016 - 12:52 pm

Firstly thank you for your service maybe you can seek therapies for veterans in your area besides va? I’m not an expert in this area but I know that there are some minor programs here and there for veterans I wish there was more I could do its ashamed that the US doesn’t care about it’s troops after they finish doing the dirty work

ToTrees 1/13/2016 - 1:04 pm

Good morning, Storm
I’m sorry to hear your gonna try it again. Nightmares, fear of public spaces, panic attacks, insomnia, hyper vigilance, anger and flashbacks. I do about 3 hours a day of feeling well, besides the headaches’ those are par for the coarse with the Meds. I’m on Neurontin, Sertraline, and Trazodone, Lorazepam. My PTSD gets so bad when I’m drinking I have blacked out for days. Days… Not just till sober, Found my self in a few bad places upon waking. Almost went to prison for a LONG time. Actively living out ones nightmares was the stopper for me, I don’t drink anymore, When you got out of the VA you were Sober. I know they don’t tolerate that sort of behavior, All the paper work is a *****…. it will work itself out on their time.

You said,

“” I went straight from there to a civilian hospital that had a program for veterans and I was there for about a month and a half. I came out of there feeling pretty good and with a new confidence and even got married in 2014. I was also medically retired from the Marine Corps in 2014 due to my PTSD and depression””
Also your need to care for your family.

I think you are at a wonderful part of your life Try it sober for a year or Five!! Don’t Quit Before the Miracle happens.

I’m always here my friend..

storminmormon89 1/13/2016 - 1:08 pm

There are other programs its just that they don’t work with my work schedule.

ToTrees 1/13/2016 - 1:31 pm

Yeah most always the programs will be inconvenient, You can find a support network, or outpatients meetings for therapy or even AA, I’m telling you I needed a Friend to stand with me for almost 30 days its different when your not in a hospital sleeping at night,,,, but We do when it needs to be done, That’s what they taught us.

Hazy Day Sunflower 1/13/2016 - 1:21 pm

Oh no
Oh no.
Gosh. Please dont.

storminmormon89 1/13/2016 - 1:23 pm

Thanks but I’m done. I’m just trying to work out the details of my last day here.

ToTrees 1/13/2016 - 1:34 pm

Try an AA meeting, they are at night. mostly and everywhere. give that a month. do one meeting each night. And if things don’t look up. you can always come back here, or slip away in the night.

storminmormon89 1/13/2016 - 1:36 pm

I’ve been sober for 3 years. I felt better when I drank and smoked and dipped.

ToTrees 1/13/2016 - 1:47 pm

Yeah… So do I !!!

StayOrGo 1/13/2016 - 5:19 pm

What to say? You’re in a terrible predicament.

I sympathize with you suffering migraines. That’s enough hurt to make anyone not want to live. But then you also suffer in so many other aspects.

I noticed you had some hope a few years ago: “I went straight from there to a civilian hospital that had a program for veterans and I was there for about a month and a half. I came out of there feeling pretty good and with a new confidence and even got married in 2014.“

Could you go back to that civilian hospital and get assistance?

Have you told your wife that you are “done fighting this hard”?

Do others know how desperate you are right now?

I view your dilemma as such that others should be rallying around you and filling in the gaps for you during these tough times. I know this view of mine is idealistic and not realistic because I will admit there are too many asses in our society.

It seems that so few really care about others. And you shouldn’t have to reach out and keep begging for relief. I don’t know what else to say.

Hazy Day Sunflower 1/13/2016 - 6:37 pm

^^^^^what stay or go said x2

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