I was deployed to Afghanistan in 2010 as a Lance Corporal in the U.S. Marines. L0ng story short I came back with PTSD and Depression. For me that meant nightmares, fear of public spaces, panic attacks, insomnia, hyper vigilance, anger and flashbacks along with everything that comes with depression. 2011 is when I started to get suicidal and went into the VA ( Veterans Affairs) the first time in September for a week and again in October for about a week. They didn’t fix anything they just gave me a nice cocktail of meds to keep in a zombie like state. Living like that sucks. I couldn’t work or do much of anything else. My day normally consisted of isolating and not eating (I lost 25lbs in a week and a half), watching Netflix and porn, taking my pills and drinking in my room. This is how I lived for about a year. November 2012 I got fed up with it all and tried OD’ing on about 1500mg of Trazodone, and I don’t remember how much of my other sleeping pill. Obviously it didn’t work. I was found and taken to the E.R. No damage was done and they didn’t have to pump my stomach just hook me up to a few IVs and I was good. I went straight from there to a civilian hospital that had a program for veterans and I was there for about a month and a half. I came out of there feeling pretty good and with a new confidence and even got married in 2014. I was also medically retired from the Marine Corps in 2014 due to my PTSD and depression. Things have started to go down hill as I have been having to fight the VA for my benefits and I have started to have the worst migraines and my doctor gave me meds that are weaker than stuff I can get over the counter. I get these migraines 2-3 times a week and they are so bad that all I can do is go lay down in a quiet and dark room and try and take a nap to sleep it off. This has started to affect my marriage as I am at work until about 3 pm then come home and spend the rest of the day laying down by myself. Another thing that came up is the likelihood that I have sleep apnea on top of everything else. The icing on this shit cake is that my retirement was taken away because of a mess up in paperwork back in 2014 when I applied for CRSC so I could keep my VA disability check and collect retirement. So now I cant take care of my family and will be calling it quits here in the next month or two. The plan is this time to go somewhere where no one will find me for a few days and take all my remaining trazodone, prazosin, divalproex, and lithium to knock me the fuck out. Just as I start to feel all that kick in though I will be putting a large trash bag over my head and tightening it around my neck then binding my hands behind me to keep myself from ripping the bag off when my brain goes into panic mode and I will eventually pass out from the meds and eventually die from lack of oxygen. I’m done with the wife, the VA, and constantly getting screwed over and not getting fixed. I cant and wont live like this. I’m done fighting this hard for the benefits I need.