This morning I woke up crying and in physical pain from grief. There’s too much in my mind to write about it all, can’t even form a coherent organization to it all.
But the sick thing is, I woke up wondering if I should take the pills now or go to a thrift store that has 50% sale on saturday. So, basically, I want to buy clothing and then attempt to hurt or kill myself (unlikely, sadly, although maybe if I added vicodin to the mix- klonopin and vicodin are contraindicated) .
I spoke to my ex yesterday. It was good in ways, to know that she misses me and has been crying a lot and wanting to call me- she still loves me. She said she had planned to contact me in 8 weeks, but I think that’s out the window after my behavior yesterday. I freaked out when she told me that while she can’t imagine not having me in her life, she couldn’t see us ever having a romantic relation again. Most of her reasoning was the worry she’d just break my heart again, or how could I ever trust her again after all this. I feel like those are things I should be worrying- it’s my choice to put my heart out there. All she needs to decide is if she’s willing to give us a second chance.
I think I fucked up any chance by scaring her yesterday in worrying her that I might kill myself. But if there’s no chance that we could ever be together, then I don’t have anything left to lose. I shoplifted the other day for the first time in years because I just Didn’t Give A Fuck.
I wish I could talk to my best friend, my ex-fiance. But she would just call my parents, same with my other friends. I guess it’s my fault for telling them how I feel- I should’ve just kept my wish to die to myself. But then again, the last time I felt like this there was no one to tell, no one to worry and to tell me how I’m hurting them.
The pills I’ll take today are unlikely to do much except make me sleep for like 10 hours. Maybe throw up and feel dizzy. I haven’t written letters to the people I love, but I don’t know if I have the energy for it.
I don’t want to cause my family and few friends pain, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.