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a sick state of mind

by evildandelions

This morning I woke up crying and in physical pain from grief.  There’s too much in my mind to write about it all, can’t even form a coherent organization to it all.

But the sick thing is, I woke up wondering if I should take the pills now or go to a thrift store that has 50% sale on saturday. So, basically, I want to buy clothing and then attempt to hurt or kill myself (unlikely, sadly, although maybe if I added vicodin to the mix- klonopin and vicodin are contraindicated) .

I spoke to my ex yesterday.  It was good in ways, to know that she misses me and has been crying a lot and wanting to call me- she still loves me.  She said she had planned to contact me in 8 weeks, but I think that’s out the window after my behavior yesterday.  I freaked out when she told me that while she can’t imagine not having me in her life, she couldn’t see us ever having a romantic relation again.  Most of her reasoning was the worry she’d just break my heart again, or how could I ever trust her again after all this.  I feel like those are things should be worrying- it’s my choice to put my heart out there.  All she needs to decide is if she’s willing to give us a second chance.

I think I fucked up any chance by scaring her yesterday in worrying her that I might kill myself. But if there’s no chance that we could ever be together, then I don’t have anything left to lose.  I shoplifted the other day for the first time in years because I just Didn’t Give A Fuck.

I wish I could talk to my best friend, my ex-fiance.  But she would just call my parents, same with my other friends.  I guess it’s my fault for telling them how I feel- I should’ve just kept my wish to die to myself.  But then again, the last time I felt like this there was no one to tell, no one to worry and to tell me how I’m hurting them.

The pills I’ll take today are unlikely to do much except make me sleep for like 10 hours.  Maybe throw up and feel dizzy.  I haven’t written letters to the people I love, but I don’t know if I have the energy for it.

I don’t want to cause my family and few friends pain, but I can’t do this anymore.  I’m sorry.




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Hazy Day Sunflower 1/2/2016 - 10:42 am

Not to be glib, but when in doubt shop. I keeps you moving forward. It is optimism at its oddest, especially since you are shopping 50% off at a thrift store. Gosh I love thrift stores.

Moving forward is hard. Look at it this way, your ex is allowing you the freedom to move forward with your life, a luxury I don’t have. What a glorious freedom to be allowed to move forward and on with your life, even if you don’t want to. Nothing is worse than the choice being taken from you.

Trix 1/2/2016 - 11:22 am

I’m so sorry about your breakup and all the pain it’s causing you. You’re right that those should be your concerns about getting back together. If she worries a lot and feels a lot of guilt over what she’s done to you, maybe she’s pushing you away more than she should because she’s exaggerating what happened and thinks it’s irreparable. At the same time it’s understandable that she’d worry more when you’re feeling suicidal about it. I hope you can get through this part – this is the most pain you’ll feel over the relationship, and it can heal over time. I know how excruciating it is right now though. If you want to talk to someone, maybe you could try an online chat, like 7cups? And there’s right here, too. 🙂 When suicidal thoughts are that strong sometimes talking is one of the few things that can help. I hope you find ways to get through the pain. It’s not something you can completely escape but it can be made less severe sometimes.

nicole123 1/2/2016 - 12:12 pm

I absolutely love to thrift . I shop all the time to get my mind off of things . I’m sorry about your break up though, is that what is causing you most of the pain? I just got out pf a breakup too recently . I’m obssesed with the fact that I want to die . I don’t really have anyone to talk to anyways, and if I did they would immediately tell my family. And people don’t take me seriously . But I guess I’m holding on for now and you should too . Keep thrifting 🙂

halfdead66 1/2/2016 - 12:28 pm

I feel the same way. I refuse to tell anyone outside of here that l am wanting to die because:
A) They won’t believe me
B) Lock me in a psych-ward and “force me to feel better”.
I also understand the pain of a break-up… . It’s been almost six years since my first devestati game heartbreak… It nearly killed me (more like l OD’d, but regretablly suvived). It really depends on how you wish to look at things; in a way, my pain has gotten less intense over time, but my heart will always be broken, and l will never be the same. I really hope that you do what you want, not what others want you to do. Good luck.

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