I notice I start to get angry toughs whenever I have to go out, maybe it’s a reaction to prepare me to defend myself. Many times I give up leaving home, because I can’t handle people staring at me uncontrolably mad.
I tried to go anyway, everything happened as expected, couldn’t lift up my face to look at people. My eyes stuck the ground, I start sweating, and my face muscles become stiff, and i think, this never changes. Psychologists say you should keep insisting going out and facing your fears. But it never changes to me, it’s like the Murphy law “If something can go wrong it will”. I keep walking, on my way to the grocery store, and as usual the security guards stare as if I was a criminal, I go pickup my stuff ,always tense, whenever someone shows up in the section I pretend I’m reading the ingredients of a product just to calm me down, it doesn’t. I see another security guard inside the store,I avoid looking at him, to not get more attention, I don’t know if he is still looking because my eyes are almost blind for being so tense. I fear every security camera in the store, because I know someone in the security department is watching. And then the worst part, going to the cashier, where I have to really face someone and talk to her. Waiting on the line is hard. I try not to look at the manager that is prepared to rescue the cashier with any problems with clients, I look foward, and down, I can’t do more than that, and I see the security guards watching from the side of the eye. I can’t stop being tense and nervous.
Waiting is pain when you’re like this.
It’s my turn, I put my stuff on the counter, luckly the clients behind me don’t comment about my face nor how nervous I am. I give my card to the cashier, and the payment lasts a long time. I ask her “It’s not working?”, she just ignores me. I feel so embarassed, but I’m too nervous to realise it. I stare at the cashier, waiting, when I lift my face a bit, there is the police(the manager) looking right at me without blinking. My eyes fall down, and get more tension on my face and arms. I don’t know where more to look, the people in the line are still quiet, I don’t know how they’re looking at me because I’m too “busy”. She gives me the receipt and I walk away. It’s not over yet, I still have to face all that people on the way home.