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Accepting death as the solution

by SPP

Hello everyone. I’m new here. I’m almost 24 and my native language is not english, so excuse my poor english.
I have been dealing with anxiety and depression (i guess it appeared later) since the age of 15/16 i guess. It started after my dad said yes to a surgery to my kidney( i didn’t want to do it cause i knew it wouldn’t fix anything, it was’nt a matter of life or death, not anything closer to that, just to fix a congenital problem). But the only thing it brought to me was a psicosomatic disorder and later anxiety and depression.
I’m telling you this because before that i consider myself a happy person. Despite my family background: mother with major depressive disorder (when she had episodes she would say she ‘d be better dead, when my brother and I were like 6 years old) , my aunts all taking antidepressant, sleeping pills, disfunctional family, divorce parents… I used to think: i’m resilient i have no mental problem. well i guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I tried to kill myself in my worst period of depression(18) because i couldn’t deal with the excruciating pain in my chest. But because i was so desperate i just took a lot of pills and alcohol. I just passed out gonne to the hopsital… the psychiatrist that i was seeing for my other disorder never took my word seriously whjen i spoke about my urge to die, despite i asked for help. Since then(18) i really just continue to think to die is the best way to avoid pain. Between then and now i had a eating disorder, too… Now that’s kind of okay i guess. even in the appointments with that new psych i talked about this suicidal thougts but she said: life is complicated.
There’s a portuguese author Fernando Pessoa that had various heteronimous and one of them had this vision about life/death, accepting death as a good thing if life was being painful. At least that’s how i interpreted it in school… Anyway…. I turned into being really great at school to dristact me, and just trying to be good at something. But being the student with the best grades during college dind’t bring me THAT joy or accomplishment. now i’m taking my master’s degree… But my mom is really down, i’m leaving alone with her. Basicly if someone asked me if i wanted to die right know (with no pain or very low suffering) i would say yes. i have friends, no boyfriend for a few years now, but i feel like being dead would be always better. Even when i have happy moments. I just prefered to be dead… Do you guys think that i’m just depressed?( btw i’m on Dumyrox 50mg since 15/16 years old. )Can it just be my way of seeing life?… I’ve seemn posts about the exit bag, but in my country it’s not easy to get the bottle of gas… neither ********, much less a fire gun… Anyway. If somone reads this… it would be good to have some answers to hear yout thoughts. Thank you so much. good night

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FunanyaTheSuicidalTransGirl 1/5/2016 - 8:16 pm

Hii SPP! Welcome to Suicide Project…

Your english is just fine by the way! I had no problem understanding you 🙂

The fact that your here tells that your probably in a allot of pain and im sorry about that…im experiencing similar issues. It feels like all of the joy got sucked out of your life…living day after in pain just feels like a pain in the ass! I feel like dying young…very young like 30-35 years old! (20 Years old now).

But i keep myself distracted from my feelings and it works sometimes. How do you keep yourself distracted ?

Mf 1/5/2016 - 8:25 pm

Sounds like a mixture of depression and a way of seeing life. Your shrink isn’t that wrong tho, life (nowadays) is pretty hard, it doesn’t have to be, but for some reason society has complicated things to ridicule levels. Another thing that might be a big part of how you feel is your family, because depression is supposedly inherited at times, plus the situation of your family does add more weight to it.

Distractions do help, and it’s actually (in my honest opinion, i might be wrong) better to exhaust all options of finding a reason to live before trying to off yourself, at least that way you’re sure that there’s nothing you didn’t try. Death is a definite thing, so … yeah, better to be sure about it. And yup, your english is fine, what’s your born language? (just curious, mine is spanish).

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