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All my fault

by evildandelions

If I had left my ex alone and hadn’t tried to forced her to give me an explanation of why she left me, forcing her to see me, then she might still live in the same state. Might go to the same school.  She had said she was going to contact me in two months because she missed me so much.  We might’ve been friends.

If I hadn’t had wanted to be back with her so desperately, if I hadn’t acted so desperate by fleeing my parent’s house and going back to our old apartment after saying suicidal implications, I’d still have my dog back.  All I want right now is that dog.  If I hadn’t had gone crazy, I’d still have her.  This hurts the most.

If I hadn’t had been crazy, totally irrational, then I wouldn’t have the memory of being manhandled by cops and forced into a hospital (although later released).

I could’ve stopped all the things I’m grieving and sad about now.  I don’t know how to handle this.  I don’t know how to stop missing that dog, to stop feeling like it’s all my fault that my life sucks right now, that I hurt the woman I love so much she felt she had to drop out of school and move back home. I’ll probably never see her or the dogs again.

My dad will try to contact her in like a month to ask about the dog again, but I don’t think she’ll change her mind, even if she has some newfound empathy for me, because she’d be too attached again to give her up.  I’d like to believe that she’ll someday regret how she left things, like taking the dog when she knew how much I loved and needed that dog (especially in the mental state I was in)- but I doubt it.  I think she’s truly done.  There’s no forgiveness to be asked- she’s not angry- but she’s just done with me.

It makes me feel like an awful person.  I hurt her so much she felt she had to go home to her parents, that she doesn’t think “our families need to be in contact anymore.”  She doesn’t care how taking the dog away makes me feel, how I’ve really lost my family now- a fiance and both dogs that I’ve cared for (one she had adopted prior to meeting me, the other shortly before we moved in together).  If she left me the dog she got while together, the dog who I trained and babied and loved so much, I’d be “okay” right now.

But now I just think of her cute little face and how I’ll never see it again and how I can only blame myself…

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Hazy Day Sunflower 1/10/2016 - 12:15 pm

@evil: good morning, I’ve been standing in your shoes. Trust me, best that you don’t have to dog since you have to move on. You won’t be able to move on with any memories of your life with her to cling to. I know that sounds cruel but trust me on this. I was dangerously close to having the cops called on me and I actually vandalized his car, luckily I didn’t get caught although I’m sure he suspected me. I stalked his girlfriend and terrorized her for weeks. I was absolutely awful.

But I got past it. It took a long time and a lot of work on my part, but I got past it. I never loved anyone as hard and deep as I loved him ever again. Thank God because it damn near destroyed me.

It’s okay. Be gentle on yourself. A life lived safe, is it any life at all? Taking chances makes you human even if those chances make you cringe later. I could write a book on cringe worthy stalkerish things I did when I was younger. I did some pretty fucked up things to people I was obsessed with. I’m not like that any longer because I know when to put the brakes on. But there was a long time I didn’t understand breaks or limits. Or maybe I just didn’t want to be held to limits. It’s hard to discern which is it at this point. I’ve put a LOT of time between the old me and me now. I still have the passion I just added some really decent breaking systems.

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