If I had left my ex alone and hadn’t tried to forced her to give me an explanation of why she left me, forcing her to see me, then she might still live in the same state. Might go to the same school. She had said she was going to contact me in two months because she missed me so much. We might’ve been friends.
If I hadn’t had wanted to be back with her so desperately, if I hadn’t acted so desperate by fleeing my parent’s house and going back to our old apartment after saying suicidal implications, I’d still have my dog back. All I want right now is that dog. If I hadn’t had gone crazy, I’d still have her. This hurts the most.
If I hadn’t had been crazy, totally irrational, then I wouldn’t have the memory of being manhandled by cops and forced into a hospital (although later released).
I could’ve stopped all the things I’m grieving and sad about now. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to stop missing that dog, to stop feeling like it’s all my fault that my life sucks right now, that I hurt the woman I love so much she felt she had to drop out of school and move back home. I’ll probably never see her or the dogs again.
My dad will try to contact her in like a month to ask about the dog again, but I don’t think she’ll change her mind, even if she has some newfound empathy for me, because she’d be too attached again to give her up. I’d like to believe that she’ll someday regret how she left things, like taking the dog when she knew how much I loved and needed that dog (especially in the mental state I was in)- but I doubt it. I think she’s truly done. There’s no forgiveness to be asked- she’s not angry- but she’s just done with me.
It makes me feel like an awful person. I hurt her so much she felt she had to go home to her parents, that she doesn’t think “our families need to be in contact anymore.” She doesn’t care how taking the dog away makes me feel, how I’ve really lost my family now- a fiance and both dogs that I’ve cared for (one she had adopted prior to meeting me, the other shortly before we moved in together). If she left me the dog she got while together, the dog who I trained and babied and loved so much, I’d be “okay” right now.
But now I just think of her cute little face and how I’ll never see it again and how I can only blame myself…