My parents discovered my cuts because my aunt told them when she noticed it.
I don’t know how to explain it to them. I just want to end it all. Yes, I appreciate the good things. Yes, I am aware of your love. Yes, life is beautiful. I KNOW. I FUCKING KNOW. BUT I JUST REALLY REALLY HATE MYSELF. I JUST WANT TO DIE.
Why do you say it like it’s my fault that I need to say sorry? Why do you say it like you’re the victim? Because you were hurt? That the pain on your back is coming back because of my cutting habit? Why do you think you understand me? You can’t and never will.
You suggested that I must talk to you about my day every time I come home. That I should text you when I feel sad. Well, remember when I actually did in the past? Then you said you are in pain because of me? I never tried to tell you again. Why? Because you’re making me feel guilty about it.
I want you to know that I just really want to end it all. It’s just that. I let go of hatred long time ago. I already let go of the apathy. I accepted this weak me. I accepted it and I’m not turning my back on it ever again. I lied to that little girl back then. I told her lies that everything will be okay. And I ended up killing her. Now, this is her. And I accepted her. We are one now.
I don’t want to tell you I don’t need a God. I rather burn and rot in hell. Because I know that’s where I belong.
I still love death. But you wouldn’t understand that. And it’s not your fault.
13 comments
I just wanted to let you know I read this. I don’t really have any answers or advice. My oldest went through a really dark time and just left her to it. There was absolutely nothing I could do. It killed me, but truthfully the things your mother and family are doing they are doing because they really don’t know what else to do. The hardest thing for a parent to do is to sit back and allow their child to struggle and sometimes fail. I had to just sit and watch her struggle, fail and ultimately find some kind of peace with her pain. She is okay now. She has dark times but she learned all these coping tactics because I allowed her to just struggle, fail and find her own way. Her way of coping is no way like mine. Initially I tried helping her but quickly realized that my way of coping was not going to work for her.
Your parents are only people after all, unfortunately you don’t have an owners manual. Wouldn’t it be nice if we all did?
Yeah. Our coping methods are different. But sometimes I worry for her because hers is making herself believe everything is happy. I worry that maybe that could be the end of her when she realize it’s all but a lie. Another reason why I can’t really commit suicide. I don’t know if a dead person can feel guilt but I think I will. Haha.
I completely understand where you are coming from. My parents also lied to me, made me believe that l could count on them, that they would be there for me when l am suffering. They lied. In the past, l would call/text my mom (l live on my own; an hour away from her), and tell her that l am either depressed, or worried that my Bipolar Disorder is dragging me in every direction again. At first she would listen to me, act like she cared. Then, she would have melt-downs and my dad told me she couldn’t take dealing with my problems. So, l have learned not to ever let them know l am in pain, no matter how badly l am hurting. I just put on a fake smile, and pretend that everything is fine… All l wanted was to be able to confide in them because they TOLD ME I COULD, but it was all a lie… They don’t love me enough to be there for me when l am suffering. On more than one occasion my adoptive mother told me to actually kill myself via text message. I was already in a “safe place” at those times, luckily, cause of l hadn’t been, l would have gladly done myself in. My parents make me feel guilty everytime l snap and need psychiatric intervention, they guilt trip me, tell me that they are about to give up on me/cold have a long time ago. I know that deep down that is what they want to do, but pressure themselves into being pseudo parents. My birth parents gave me up as a young baby, hoping l would have a better life… I was verbally/emotionally abused almost constantly by my fucking birth mother. She even held a knife to my throat when l was a teenager; l couldn’t escape them… Sorry, l went off on a rant there… What l should have said is that my parents “pretended to care” as well.
*I meant that my adoptive mother verbally and emotionally abused me*
My adoptive mother also was the one who held a knife to my throat. When l questioned her about it years later, she said that l asked for it because l had told her l was suicidal. I HATE her.
She sounds like a real piece of work. Sorry you had to be subjected to that. She is trash.
Oh my… I’m sorry you had gone through that.
And it’s okay to rant. 🙂
I don’t have a loving family either. They are cool and all but we never had a bond . And my real mother was literally insane . I’m pretty sure that I have some of her problems passed down to me . She’s tried to kill my dad when I was a child, she was addicted to every drug known. I would see her high as a kite. Her and her boyfriend used to make me help them steal from Walmart to sell to cash converters . She killed her self about 6 years ago. I have a great step mom and father but they were never there for me . It’s honestly probably a good thing my mom is dead. She would have never escaped that darkness . I feel like this will happen to me too. I don’t have hope for my life . I’m seriously bi polar too. I wish I had a better family & life . And I wish you could too. Life is hard and it hurts .
I built my own family of people who I wanted in my life. I had a hellish existence when I was younger. Nicole make your own family.
I know I’ve been trying .
Good luck, Nicole 🙂
Damn, I swear this just hit me so hard. I just can’t believe it.. When I self-harmed the first time, I was freaked out and didn’t know how to explain the cut since it was huge and it was on my forearm. I simply said I was holding a piece of glass and it slipped out of my hands and while trying to grab it, it sliced my arm. They bought it. It’s sad that people believe what they’re told, even though behind every word that is said, there is a deeper meaning. I can’t believe you are blamed for their pain. I’m sorry but if it hurts them, then they should see a doctor instead of blaming you. i hate when they tell you to tell them everything but when you finally do, they don’t give 2 shits and blame you for everything.
Yeah. People find these kind of things disturbing.
I remember this one time when my guidance counselor asked me if I’m finally feeling better. I just threw them a fake smile and said the things she would like to hear. And she believed me. She then proceed on asking me for help about her daughter’s case. I felt like she only cared because her daughter is feeling the same. I am happy to help but in the same time disappointed that they can’t see past through my lies.
Haha. I freaked out as well when I first cut myself. I gave a stupid excuse and they bought it. Because children do stupid things out of curiosity. I think that’s why people never take a child’s despair seriously.