A year ago, when I bought my burial plot and put a deposit on my tombstone, I was certain that I was doing the right thing. I only asked God to grant me one thing, and vowed that afterwards I would be willing to carry out my end of the bargain. I was granted the time I wished. Now, that time is over and I realize I no longer have that excuse. But although I already feel lifeless, I’ve discovered that I am too much of a coward to follow through. And, I also realize that God knew all along that I wouldn’t have the courage. Why then did I have to suffer so much loss and pain in the last 5 months? Do I have to (or be expected to) live with the shame of being a coward, and failing at even carrying out my vow? Or is it just another test to see if I can find the courage? If it is a test and I fail it, who else is going to pay the price?
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What was your end of the bargain?
Lost2many – It’s good to hear from you again. You got the extra time you wanted to have with your cat, and you are grateful for that.
I don’t believe that we are measured by bargaining for our desires. I don’t think it works that way, although I’m not completely sure how it all works. I don’t think there is any punishment (from God) if you said you’d kill yourself and now you don’t have the courage to do that.
To me, not having courage does not equal being a coward. I think there is an in-between indecisiveness that is very respectable.
I don’t really find balking at suicide cowardly. It’s natural. If it were so easy to kill yourself, there wouldn’t be a hell of a lot of us left.