I am no longer myself. I remember how I used to be before seven years of depression. I used to be the most optimistic individual, but life has a way of fucking you over.
For starters, after years of hearing people say negative things about you, you start to believe. I am an eighteen year old mistake. My life was a replacement. My father was abusive and caused my mother to have a miscarriage. Their intention was to replace that baby boy, so I was born.
Throughout my years, I have heard this story so much. Eventually as my father extruded himself from our family domicile, I became the sole recipient of my mother’s hatred towards my father. In the years since, I’ve been stabbed twice, poisoned by her. Then there ate the lies. Making people believe I’m this monster. That I harm her and steal. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Every aspect of my life has been affected by her manipulations. I was attending junior college and she deliberately fucked that up. I have a portfolio and drawer of awards and external examinations certificate. All of which she destroyed . Applying for jobs, she began calling people and lying about me.
Though I outwardly appear nonchalant to the whole scenario, internally I really can’t handle much more. I’m vulnerable. I’m stressed. There is not one day that I don’t think of harming myself.
Personally I think that it’s time for this eighteen year old mistake to erase himself . I’ve tried to do so twelve times to no avail.
Doing this would shatter my few friends who try to help me. I know I have written positively blogs before but I just can’t lie to myself anymore.
Maybe she’s right, maybe I’m just a horrible evil person. Maybe I should just get a gun and shoot myself as she begs me to. Maybe I’m a ***** as she says. Maybe I should sell myself as she says I do. While ironically I’m not gay. Maybe I should. There isn’t much left for her to destroy.