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Erasing An 18 year old Mistake: I Just Wanna Die

I am no longer myself. I remember how I used to be before seven years of depression. I used to be the most optimistic individual, but life has a way of fucking you over.

For starters, after years of hearing people say negative things about you, you start to believe. I am an eighteen year old mistake. My life was a replacement. My father was abusive and caused my mother to have a miscarriage. Their intention was to replace that baby boy, so I was born.

Throughout my years, I have heard this story so much. Eventually as my father extruded himself from our family domicile, I became the sole recipient of my mother’s hatred towards my father. In the years since, I’ve been stabbed twice, poisoned by her. Then there ate the lies. Making people believe I’m this monster. That I harm her and steal. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Every aspect of my life has been affected by her manipulations. I was attending junior college and she deliberately fucked that up. I have a portfolio and drawer of awards and external examinations certificate. All of which she destroyed . Applying for jobs, she began calling people and lying about me.

Though I outwardly appear nonchalant to the whole scenario, internally I really can’t handle much more. I’m vulnerable. I’m stressed. There is not one day that I don’t think of harming myself.

Personally I think that it’s time for this eighteen year old mistake to erase himself . I’ve tried to do so twelve times to no avail.

Doing this would shatter my few friends who try to help me. I know I have written positively blogs before but I just can’t lie to myself anymore.

Maybe she’s right, maybe I’m just a horrible evil person. Maybe I should just get a gun and shoot myself as she begs me to. Maybe I’m  a ***** as she says. Maybe I should sell myself as she says I do.  While ironically I’m  not gay. Maybe I should. There isn’t much left for her to destroy.





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rainyday 1/19/2016 - 1:13 pm

For sure a person can destroy all of us, and make us feel just like we do not have any value. I would say, make us feel miserable or unworthy. I can imagine how you are feeling.

There are things in this life that cannot be erased. But you are not alone, there are people who care. People that is alway here to write to you, to help you, to make you feel less alone.

I wish I could help you, erase what they have told you. I wish I could know you, to tell you all the good things you are, because every person encompass a rainbow within, every person have flaws, but also have many others positive attributes to be praise and value. I wish I could have money or power, or a company and tell you come and work for me, no matter what, I will give you an opportunity, you have a job now, but unfortunately that is not the case. I am struggling myself to find just a motive to wake up one day more.

I wish you well. My only advice, keep the distance from those who hurt you, and keep trying. No matter how hard is, just look around and find the miracle in nature and in every single person walking around you. Focus in the good things of life. It is not easy, but it is the only thing sometime we can do. You are not alone, you are not the only one walking out there in between, bullying, insults, loneliness, without hope or future, but never ever stop trying, never ever let the negativity of others consume your soul and all the good you could be. Always do good. Pardon quickly and just that, keep praying for the best, no just for you, also for those who hurt you.

Counting The Days Until I'm gone 1/19/2016 - 1:20 pm

I guess you’re right. I do try hard. However I hardly see the sense. I’ve reached to the point where I can no longer pray. I cannot believe in something that someone so wicked can believe in

rainyday 1/19/2016 - 1:36 pm

Praying and believing is part of life. Never lose faith, never stop praying, no matter what. You do not have to believe in the things others believe, we all are different, we all have different emotions and way to see life, also different purpose on life. Always choose the bright side, do good, help, care, love, be positive, help others, bring smiles to other people faces even if you have to hide your tears..I really do not know what else to tell you to help you out. I am feeling maybe even worse that could anyone imagine. But I will never ever stop trying my best, and looking for that little something that could make me feel a little better. Maybe you can do the same, write here and help others it is really a good and positive thing.

NiDDA 1/19/2016 - 1:30 pm

I don’t think that you should kill yourself because your mother or whoever tells you that you are a horrible person. Do you feel like one? Once a man told me that I am evil and the worst person in the world. I loved that man, but he never loved me. I was devastated until I met my ex. For him I was the most perfect person in the world. It’s just perspective. What matters is what you feel about yourself. Focus on that, look into yourself deeply, very deeply.

Counting The Days Until I'm gone 1/19/2016 - 1:35 pm

I guess I’ve been hearing this so long that I’ve started to believe. Honestly I don’t see myself as anything significant. Those who’ve known me say otherwise. For years, I’ve been troubled with self esteem issues. Now I am just broken

rainyday 1/19/2016 - 1:46 pm

There people out there that will hurt you, but there are others that will help you. Find the one that help you, that care for you.

We all know what we do in life, good and bad, we know when we are right or wrong, also when we hurt or no others. We also know what are our flaws and our strong points, and we all have a little bit of both. Look at yourself and find all the good you are, and forget about the bad. Some will come to your life and make you feel that you are just all bad, that you are not worthy, no smart enough, no pretty enough, no valuable enough, no worthy and all the negative things that you can imagine and no. If someone employ so much energy in make you feel that way, you can be sure, that you have something positive within you, something that they do not want you to find in you. Just breath, let the negative emotions go, the hate of others go, the hurt and pain go. And wake up with all the good you are, and do good, do always good. No matter what, never ever make any person life miserable, make any one cry or feel pain or sorrow. We all make mistakes, some more than other, do not think in others, in what others do or have done to you. Just focus in all the good you can do for people around you.

rocketman 1/19/2016 - 6:21 pm

Counting The Days Until I’m gone,

What a long ass name!!! 🙂 YOUR ONLY 18! A baby TIME TO GO ON YOUR OWN!! See what you can do without the influence of them.

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