Sometimes I feel dissociated from life. I am consumed yet still apart from sadness or anger or depression, like I’m treading in the middle of the ocean, watching the giant crests and seeing nothing but blue and overwhelming emptiness.
My dad started drinking again after a period of forced sobriety due to drunk hospital visits. I found out by being stopped in the stairs of the apartment building and warned that he was passed out for several hours and had been drinking for several days. He had already been back to the hospital. His liver and pancreas and brain are all fucked up.
It’s like dealing with a child, very infantile behavior, but the kids over 6 feet and is drinking straight vodka from a soda can. And he has remained pretty drunk. I was going to go back home this afternoon but instead have to stay here and deal with the situation. I feel like I am playing with fire but the pain is just so constant it disappears. But I know the burn will come and the pain and break down. I just can’t look around me and think life is a merry go round when everything around me is collapsing. The pull of depression gets stronger and the attempts weigh me down. I’m really trying here but the future seems to be full of nothing.