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I feel like nothing, and I can only see one way of how to get out of it

by nicole123

I feel like nothing . I am nothing. I don’t do anything anymore . Today I skipped my job interview because I was tired and I was scared . I never used to be like this ? I’m terrified of being judged . So I didn’t go .

I have another tomorow so I’ll try to go … But I’ve been having social anxiety for months now . People used to say I was a social butterfly.

I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately . There is nothing in my life that makes me remotely happy. Absolutely nothing . Probably eating. But suicide is the only thing that’s been on my mind for days . I feel like I would be a lot happier dead .

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Limited_infinity 1/18/2016 - 4:14 pm

I think about suicide frequently, no matters whats going on tbh. I’m sorry to hear things are sliding down hill atm. I want to say they’ll change, but only if you want there to be a change…
I was thinking its a shame you passed up on an opportunity with today’s interview, but there’s a part of me that says you know yourself better than anyone. Perhaps this wasn’t worth your time?
Do you think/feel like you’re closing off from those around you?

nicole123 1/18/2016 - 4:20 pm

I wanted to go . But I had a bad feeling about it . I don’t think I would have gotten the job anyways. But I didn’t even want to work there . But I’m mad I didn’t try . I never try anymore . And that makes me feel like a shitty person .

I don’t have friends or family around me . I’m alone and I really don’t feel any lighting inside me anymore . I would like to die , but I would feel like a coward . But I don’t think I would enjoy the rest of my life anyways .

nicole123 1/18/2016 - 4:22 pm

The one thing that makes me feel even worse is the fact that I already have a detailed plan of how I would do it . I run it I run it over and over in my head .

Limited_infinity 1/18/2016 - 4:29 pm

Fair enough on wanting to go but the fact you say you weren’t fussed on working there, well, the optimist in me says you’re putting effort into things that matter. That’s just good practice! Can you channel the anger at not trying into tomorrow interview? Use it as a strength šŸ™‚
I’m sorry I can’t help out with the friends or family thing. If I could, I would šŸ™‚
As for the plan. I guess most of those here have a plan of sorts and regularly visit it. Imo that’s good planning. Although I don’t think anyone deserves to go through with it. Then again, it’s easy for me to say sitting at a keyboard miles away with no idea what you’re going through day to day.
*sending happy-perculiar vibes*

Mf 1/18/2016 - 4:42 pm

Try to go to your interview tomorrow, i remember you were excited about the interviews a couple of days ago. In any case… hey, people can and will always judge everyone, but that doesn’t mean that the judgment they make is worth anything.

Also, keep in mind that what people think about you in a job interview is pretty useless at a broad scale, because they aren’t judging you as a person, they just judge if you are fit for the job or not. At some point i remember hearing that many business organizations hired people with all the traits of a psychopath, since those were highly valued for managers and leaders so… yeah, the only important thing is if you get the job or not, and going there is already a step towards that. Good luck.

Randall 1/18/2016 - 5:03 pm

That’s really funny. All the traits of a psychopath. I’ve never heard that, but it sounds true. There’s a good movie called Nightcrawler with Jake Gyllenhall. Boy, he plays a good psychopath.

Randall 1/18/2016 - 5:10 pm

Ya, suicide is an slippery slope to let your mind escape down. I’ve been keeping the suicide thought in my back pocket for decades, but can’t seem to pull the trigger. (pun intended) It’s just a very permanent solution. I don’t know if you’d be happy being dead. That’s a deep question. Even though you can’t see a way out, maybe there is. It’s like a gambler at a casino. The next hand will be a winner. The next roll of the dice…if there’s breath, there’s hope.

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