I’m drowning… I’m dying…
My family has been suffering a huge financial strain since my brother died. We are quite a big family. At the moment, my father is the only one working. He and my brother kept the family going, now all the weight of the family is on him. He’s left to keep us afloat on his own, and it’s really hard.
My older sister is a nursing student. She had to quit college because of financial issues.
Now everything is on me.
I’m under so much pressure. I’ll be starting my Final Year of Medical School on the 18th. I’m in need of strength to carry me through this year without any major hurdles.
Last year was horrifying. I struggled a lot to keep a sane head. It was hard. My brother was killed on a Saturday and I had an exam on a Monday. I tried so hard not to break.
I reached breaking point towards the end of the year, on my last hospital rotation. I was doing my rotation through Mental Health. For the first time, I got to meet people going through something somewhat similar to what I’m going through.
Suicidal people, mostly. I wanted to have a chance to speak with them. Just to talk to someone who perhaps understood what I was going through as well. We weren’t allowed to see patients on our own, so I couldn’t ask the things I really needed to know. I couldn’t talk to them without having the other question me.
I cannot afford to be hospitalized. That will put a major hold on my studies. I need to finish Medical School this year and get my degree. I need to start working by January of next year so I can get my family out of this shithole of a life we are living.
How will I be able to do all this when I’m falling apart? How will I be able to keep a sane head the whole year? How will I study? Pass all my classes?
I know I need professional help. I’m afraid to seek it. The way that I am, I’m afraid that with all the shit going on up in my head, I will be institutionalized for sure. I saw patients in the psych ward staying there for weeks. I can’t lose weeks locked up in a mental hospital.
I’m running out of coping skills. Writing all this shit down doesn’t do much for me anymore. It makes me even more depressed. Cutting… Well… It’s just a temporary release.
I think I need someone to talk to. I need an ear. I need someone who will listen. Can’t afford to pay for a therapist though. I don’t have any friends. My family… Hell no! They will just tell me to pray. Pray to who? A God who doesn’t even listen? A God I don’t even believe in? I can’t talk to my family about this. They will tell me to tough it out.
I’m already under so much pressure. My family will just make me feel guilty about everything. I’m already consumed with guilt. The guilt is killing me. They constantly remind me how everything is my fault. They constantly remind me how important it is that I fight. Fight for them mostly. I’m just so tired of being strong all the time, even when I’m falling apart.
I can’t leave. I want so bad to be gone from this world. I want to die so bad, it’s all I think about. I can’t leave though. At least not yet. I want to be sure they don’t suffer too much when I’m gone. They have suffered enough because of me. I can’t leave yet. Not when they have placed all their faith in me.
I’m stuck here. I’m literally stuck with all these horrible feelings. I’m stuck. I can’t die. I can barely keep myself alive. I’m just… Stuck.
I can’t begin to imagine the pain of losing someone so close to you but I understand expectations you can’t meet. I have a fever right now but for my parents sake I’ve dimmed the lights to study. They’ve put all their expectations on me. At times I do break under the pressure then I find myself crying my eyes out in public places I’ll probably never visit again. I don’t want professional help for fear of the tags they’ll put on me. For fear of what my parents will think. They don’t understand mental health all that well. It’s sad, very sad (also referred to as depression which is gone in a few moments) and then insane. I can’t tell them they won’t understand me.
Two things help me; One writing it out. I just write down everything I feel and then burn the paper and act like it doesn’t affect me anymore, the visualization helps the most.
Second I listen to motivational speeches. You can find alot of them on YouTube. I listen to them and I say “Hey, shams, this is a new start. I believe in you. Your parents do too, you can do this.”
I cry a lot. Mostly alone. When I write is when I tear up mostly. It helps release all that I feel.
My parents don’t understand mental illness. They don’t know how hard it is for me. The entire family is going through hell right now. It’ll be like I’m the weak one. The attention seeking one. I’m really trying to hold myself together. It’s hard.
You can call Samaritans suicide hot line if you need someone to talk to. It’s all anonymous. You can give your name only if you want or give a fake name or no name. They’re trained to listen. I don’t have a phone number, but if you google SamaritansHope They’re there.