I basically visit this site everyday since my sister told me about it. But I’m always somewhat off with my posts. Truth is what I’m going through doesn’t really match a lot of posts that I read on here. And that says something.
Sure enough, we all feel suicidal for whatever reason and that is why we stay so true to SP. We’re all linked that way. But our reasons for loathing three things: ourselves, other people and the world/future, are so different.
I guess I’m just stating the obvious here but I want to get this point across. There are no problems that are too small or too stupid. They all lead us to feel terrible and the fact that we get to this point is a problem.
My problems are not obvious. And the fact that I keep just about everything to myself even when I don’t want to makes it hard to process them. Even when the load is too heavy to carry alone.
When I think about it I really shouldn’t be depressed. I have a good family that loves me (hence why I’m still here). I have good friends that genuinely care about me (hence why I’m still here). I have mentors, professors and older people that root for me, they want me to do great things (hence why I’m still here). I got in a great school and in a great program in one of the best cities in the World…
I honestly wish that my head would leave me alone and I could be fine again. So that I could enjoy my life. I’m young and I feel like I’ve missed the last year and a half because of this illness… It’s beyond me. I’ve tried to appreciate all these things that I have because I see how so many of you are losing the little things that you have and it breaks my heart.
It just hurts to have happiness and success standing right in front of me and being unable to reach it. To touch it. Because I am looking at it through the bars of this cage and no matter how hard I reach, no matter how hard I try, my arm is simply not long enough.
3 comments
You are you, those sad ideas are a part of you as they are a part of me, but I am the brain here, my little ideas of killing myself are there but they don’t control stuff, they have their word but I decide stuff, like my highschool finals, I said “I’m not gonna leave until my job is done” and voila I am at university, one step further to my paradise.
Don’t try things, do things, don’t try to be happy, be happy, don’t try to break those bars, break’em .
I lose things too, contact, friends, etc…but hey I am here, and someone doesn’t want to loose me ey ?
There is only action in this world.
This hits home for me. I know exactly what you mean, scrolling through here and realizing how great your life is in comparison and yet feeling as shitty as any of us. I’m young too, and I’ve lost my childhood and most of my teen years to depression and anxiety, and I can definitely connect with you. I hope that you’ll be able to step past the bars of the cage soon. Looking forward to seeing that day
It took me a while to realize this, but all this time,
I thought I loathed this world.
In fact, I was wrong.
I think a major realization that people overlook is that we believe we hate the world, hate the people, hate school, hate work, hate our jobs our our families, our friends or our teachers, but,
for some,
like me,
It wasn’t hating them that was the problem.
It was hating myself.
I hated my own thoughts, my own problems, and in comparison to others, I believe its pathetic, my own issues.
But, your one person I’d love to talk to.