Yesterday I went to a party with some close friends. The party ended up being at an apartment complex on the sixth floor. The night went on and things were fun for a while, but then it was like something inside me snapped, or changed. I couldn’t breathe, I felt warm, and I got blotchy and flushed. I went outside onto the balcony. Once I closed the sliding door, I felt so alone. I’m scared of heights, but for some reason I went and leaned over on the railing. Instead of panicking like I usually do when so high up, I stayed and looked down. Then, while I was staring down at the cars in the parking lot, I thought
“Everything would go away if I jumped right now. The constant pain, the ups and downs with my depression, the pressure to do well. I would be with everyone who left me too early.”
I started crying, wanting to pull myself up onto the railings and just fall down. While I was lost in my thoughts, my best friend came up behind me and said
“You can’t jump and leave me all alone.”
It was like she was reading my mind, knowing the exact thoughts I was having.
I really do want to die and leave this sick life, but I always think of my mom, my brothers, and friends and how I can’t leave them with so much pain and fuck up their lives with my death. Is this what it’s like to feel stuck between life and death?