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I Wanted to Jump

by OnePeacefulDisaster

Yesterday I went to a party with some close friends. The party ended up being at an apartment complex on the sixth floor. The night went on and things were fun for a while, but then it was like something inside me snapped, or changed. I couldn’t breathe, I felt warm, and I got blotchy and flushed. I went outside onto the balcony. Once I closed the sliding door, I felt so alone. I’m scared of heights, but for some reason I went and leaned over on the railing. Instead of panicking like I usually do when so high up, I stayed and looked down. Then, while I was staring down at the cars in the parking lot, I thought

“Everything would go away if I jumped right now. The constant pain, the ups and downs with my depression, the pressure to do well. I would be with everyone who left me too early.”

I started crying, wanting to pull myself up onto the railings and just fall down. While I was lost in my thoughts, my best friend came up behind me and said

“You can’t jump and leave me all alone.”

It was like she was reading my mind, knowing the exact thoughts I was having.

I really do want to die and leave this sick life, but I always think of my mom, my brothers, and friends and how I can’t leave them with so much pain and fuck up their lives with my death. Is this what it’s like to feel stuck between life and death?

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4 comments

Silverbird 1/24/2016 - 5:15 am

Try not to take for granted your highs and lows…you say them with discontent as if being a completely levelmooded person were a good thing….but the crazier your high/lows go, the happier you are whenever your mood rockets upward. If i cant convince you myself, then antidepressants may help you attain this boring drab levelheadedness you so desire…
If not your friends and family, its likely that something else will continue to stop you from killing yourself…or so it was with me, after trashing all my friends and demeaning my family, fear kept me alive: Fear of potential loss and the infinite realm of possibility known as tommorow, endlessly tommorow…

At any rate, best of luck. Enjoy life, you only get one.

rocketman 1/24/2016 - 7:39 am

OnePeacefulDisaster,

Yep the old I can’t go because of them crap, i can’t go because of 4 cat’s! by the way don’t jump! 🙂

PhantomCitizen43 1/24/2016 - 8:41 am

Jumping off a 6 story ledge is NOT a good Idea at all. It will be painful and you probably wont die.
Youll be all busted up and probably wind up a cripple for the rest of your life and in worse condition then you are now. Instead of thinking of ways to end it why not try trying to find ways to get happy. If your at party and its not going well for you there. Why not leave and go somewhere else instead of thinking about jumping. I hope you get over your issues and I hope you find peace and that you continue to live and have lots of happiness.

Hazy Day Sunflower 1/24/2016 - 10:18 am

@onepeace: I agree with PP that jumping is about the worst way to die and the best way to acquire a permanent disability. But I understand that impulse. I stay away from high places because the impulse to throw myself into the void is just plain too strong. I get dizzy and giddy. It isn’t about death it is about abandonment. The idea of just throwing myself into this crazy void and feeling my stomach in my mouth. Funny thing, I hate roller coasters, won’t get on them. I still get light headed thinking about being at the top of the Empire State Building years ago. Flying is mind boggling for me. I take a handful of Benedryl just to deaden the impulsive feeling of wanting to open a door or window and jump. Even being on my roof, which is a mere one story up, brings about the impulsive feeling of wanting to jump.

anyway, I’m glad you have friends that talk sense into you. The pressure to do well would go away if you simply walked away from the situation. I’m not advocating you abandoning your post so to speak, but what many people don’t understand is that we as humans have free will and when in doubt walk. Walk away and keep walking until you meet the future you want.

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