I wish pills could kill me

I know pills are the least effective method, more likely to leave me brain damaged.  I really don’t want to risk that- I don’t have enough klonopin to lethally overdose, but if I mixed it with other meds it might be enough.  But there’s still the risk of surviving- maybe taking trazodone with it will make it lethal, but maybe not.  I’m not too concerned about the pain of it, as long as it kills me- I probably deserve the pain.

I know losing me will be devastating to my family, to the few friends I have.  But that isn’t enough for me to want to endure this any more.  They don’t understand me.  They don’t understand that I’ve been dealing with this for a decade.  My mom had the audacity to exclaim almost snarkily “so you’re just going to give up so easily?”

Maybe years from now things could be better, but after how many more years of suffering?  I’ve spent ten years trying, hoping thing would get better. Every good thing I managed to find never lasted, devastating me over and over again. This is the last straw.  I don’t care if you could tell me, definitively, that I’d be happy five years from now.  I don’t care.

What I want is my old life back, being with my fiance, having hope for the future, where TMS works and I no longer feel depressed.  That is the life I want.  I do not want any other.

My “friend” called my parents because she was worried about me.  She tries to tell me to give my future self a chance, that this is temporary.  So the fuck what?  So maybe this grief is temporary (ha!), so what?  No one seems to understand this.  I know that things could get easier, at least in terms of grief.  But I’ll still be depressed, still anxious, still lonely, still so fucking tired.

If I really want to die, I’ll have to find a more surefire way.  Four years ago, it was basically the year where all I thought about was dying, I found a method I liked. It was unique (because, you know, I wanted to be classy about it) and pretty damn lethal. But it also is really hard to find.

I won’t be able to kill myself tonight (i wish i could just drive a knife though my stomach, but I don’t think I’d be capable of doing it).  But I do have enough pills to probably fuck me up, maybe I’d hallucinate.

I feel like everyone just thinks I’m asking for attention or trying to manipulate people.  I’m not trying to use it as a threat- like, I’ll kill myself if you (ex-fiance) don’t come back to me. I wouldn’t do that to her.  I’m just broken.  I’ve lost so much, been miserable for 40% of my life, and losing the most important person to me, someone who I believe is family- I just can’t rebuild again.  I don’t want to be happy anymore.  I just want to be done.

I think I should write letters to the few people I love.  And to give them stuff; I have clothes that a few friends would like. I’d probably give some money to my friend with money issues, but I think that’s more something to write to my parents- that they should use some of the money they saved for my schooling and pass it on to her.  Tell my parents that I love them, that they are amazing parents. Write to my ex and tell her that it isn’t her fault, that I love her and I’m just too weak to handle any more loss.  Tell my friends I’m sorry, that they’re great friends and I wished I had been better friends to them (I’m basically the friend where if I call them, it’s like 95% likely that I’m calling them because I’m crying and upset).  And just sorry to everyone, for causing them pain.  I don’t want to cause them pain, but I can’t try anymore.

I’m just too tired.