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I wish pills could kill me

by evildandelions

I know pills are the least effective method, more likely to leave me brain damaged.  I really don’t want to risk that- I don’t have enough klonopin to lethally overdose, but if I mixed it with other meds it might be enough.  But there’s still the risk of surviving- maybe taking trazodone with it will make it lethal, but maybe not.  I’m not too concerned about the pain of it, as long as it kills me- I probably deserve the pain.

I know losing me will be devastating to my family, to the few friends I have.  But that isn’t enough for me to want to endure this any more.  They don’t understand me.  They don’t understand that I’ve been dealing with this for a decade.  My mom had the audacity to exclaim almost snarkily “so you’re just going to give up so easily?”

Maybe years from now things could be better, but after how many more years of suffering?  I’ve spent ten years trying, hoping thing would get better. Every good thing I managed to find never lasted, devastating me over and over again. This is the last straw.  I don’t care if you could tell me, definitively, that I’d be happy five years from now.  I don’t care.

What I want is my old life back, being with my fiance, having hope for the future, where TMS works and I no longer feel depressed.  That is the life I want.  I do not want any other.

My “friend” called my parents because she was worried about me.  She tries to tell me to give my future self a chance, that this is temporary.  So the fuck what?  So maybe this grief is temporary (ha!), so what?  No one seems to understand this.  I know that things could get easier, at least in terms of grief.  But I’ll still be depressed, still anxious, still lonely, still so fucking tired.

If I really want to die, I’ll have to find a more surefire way.  Four years ago, it was basically the year where all I thought about was dying, I found a method I liked. It was unique (because, you know, I wanted to be classy about it) and pretty damn lethal. But it also is really hard to find.

I won’t be able to kill myself tonight (i wish i could just drive a knife though my stomach, but I don’t think I’d be capable of doing it).  But I do have enough pills to probably fuck me up, maybe I’d hallucinate.

I feel like everyone just thinks I’m asking for attention or trying to manipulate people.  I’m not trying to use it as a threat- like, I’ll kill myself if you (ex-fiance) don’t come back to me. I wouldn’t do that to her.  I’m just broken.  I’ve lost so much, been miserable for 40% of my life, and losing the most important person to me, someone who I believe is family- I just can’t rebuild again.  I don’t want to be happy anymore.  I just want to be done.

 

I think I should write letters to the few people I love.  And to give them stuff; I have clothes that a few friends would like. I’d probably give some money to my friend with money issues, but I think that’s more something to write to my parents- that they should use some of the money they saved for my schooling and pass it on to her.  Tell my parents that I love them, that they are amazing parents. Write to my ex and tell her that it isn’t her fault, that I love her and I’m just too weak to handle any more loss.  Tell my friends I’m sorry, that they’re great friends and I wished I had been better friends to them (I’m basically the friend where if I call them, it’s like 95% likely that I’m calling them because I’m crying and upset).  And just sorry to everyone, for causing them pain.  I don’t want to cause them pain, but I can’t try anymore.

I’m just too tired.

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5 comments

PhantomCitizen43 1/1/2016 - 7:54 pm

Pills wont do it. Your right about that. You can take as much Klonopin and or trazodone as you want. It wont kill you. They have designed these modern medications to not be lethal. If you take a bunch you might do damage to your stomach and you will wind up with a bad headache hangover for a few days but you wont die. Trust me I have tried. But I dont want you to end your life anyway. Try making a whole hearted attempt to change your life and make things better for yourself. Good luck for 2016

evildandelions 1/1/2016 - 8:04 pm

But that’s the problem, I have been trying to make my life better for so long. How else does one get through ten years of depression without trying day by day to make it less miserable. I’m just tired of trying.

PhantomCitizen43 1/1/2016 - 10:41 pm

Im sorry to hear of your misery. I hope some big miracle comes your way and life gets better for you. I know how you feel. My whole life has been a pile of shit and I pretty much long or the day I die.

tiredthoughts 1/1/2016 - 11:16 pm

Im sorry to hear about you trying for so long. Me too.. Been at it for almost ten years myself. But I always believed in “the keep trying as like a forever thing. Yeah its taking along time. . but.. Progress is always happening. While im trying that I is…

imperfectjenny 1/2/2016 - 9:09 am

I can totally relate. I’ve done the whole pills thing a number of times, never worked. I have a pretty good lethal way, now I just have to put it into place. It’s been almost 20 years since I wanted to kill myself. Maybe things will get better, but I seriously doubt that for me. I hear you on the being too tired to try anymore. It’s so damn exhausting. 🙁 I really hope things do get better for you though. Wishing you peace.

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