Really? Like really?
How the hell do I do this every day? I’m tired. I want to stop smiling. Nothing in me feels like smiling. Yet, when someone talks to me, I give them the warmest smile that makes it seem as though I’m okay.
How do I do this? I feel like I’ve been programmed to smile or something. Have I become that good at faking being okay and happy that I don’t even know how to shut it off anymore? I’m tired of faking now.
I just cried my eyes out while taking a bath. Then I get out, and I’m smiling like nothing happened. I cry alone all the time. I cry a lot. I’m in so much pain, I can’t take it anymore. But it just seems like I’m the only one who feels this way. Or maybe they are also hiding their pain like I’m hiding mine.
The horrible images in my head are back again. All I see is blood.
I can’t sleep. It’s not insomnia. I don’t want to sleep. The paranoia is back again. I can’t sleep, not when I feel like this. I have to stay up and stand guard to something I know is not even there but still feel like it might be there.
I’m scared. I’m really terrified. I keep having these images of my entire family slaughtered. Blood everywhere. I want them to stop. I want to turn them off. They just won’t shut off.
All I see is blood.
7 comments
we all hide our pain .. because in some way this is what keeps us going .. this is what i think about this .. but some time is good to let it all out … i feel paranoid too and hell knows if i slept 2 hours in the past 4 days … so i think i can understand a little of what you feel .. i truly hope you will get better and think about something to hold on .. see a better side of the day … would you mind sharing more of your story with me ? i would like to hear it … and if possible .. to help ..
BL98… Thank you for offering to help. But, I doubt anyone can help me. At least not from my stupid head. Nothing can ever take away the pain that I feel. Only death I guess.
I just needed to rant, that’s all. Get this out of my head. It’s been troubling me for a while now.
Rant away Yelm. Sometime I don’t need a reply or help. Just a way to get it out and in some ways it helps. I’m sorry that you feel the way you do. But keep holding on. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better than today. * hugs*
We all have masks. I know the feeling of giving a smile and my often flippant reply of “everything’s fine/great” when it definately isnt inside. On another note I havent cried in years due to me being me. Not great but i cant seem to do anything about it atm. I’m sorry to hear you have those thiughts/flashes. It must be awful not being able to get rid of them.
I think my mask is glued on very tightly. At times I think it’s slipping and about to fall off, but I’m just fooling myself.
As for the thoughts/flashes…*sigh*… I just don’t know.
*chocolate milkshake and tamogotchi delivery*
^-^
…dont spill, Nina’s watching…!
Spill a chocolate milkshake? Are you kidding me? Never.