Found out a couple days ago that if I commit myself to get help my roommate and mother will convince them I’m faking for attention and to have my released. They they would kick me out so I’m homeless, get rid of my dog, and destroy my computer. How awesome is that? Last night I disolved a large quantity of different drugs in a glass of water to drink. Tonight it’s still in my bathroom. Only reason I didn’t was that a friend of mine was falling apart, and I didn’t want to cause him more issues until he’s better. Now it’s so unbearable that I’m ready to drink it and fall asleep. I want to get help, but if I do those two plan to make it a nightmare. It’s like why should I try anymore. I’m ready. I’m tired. I lost anything to hold on to.
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I hope something helps, even if it’s that, and if it makes you feel any better when it happens it really does feel like falling asleep, and all the pain leaves your mind for just a moment before so that all you feel before you go is sleepy.
But I’ve been homeless too, and it’s not impossible. Hard, but kind of refreshing. You don’t need those people anyway sometimes the most responsible thing you can do really is to run away, that’s what i did, and for the first time ever me and my family are on good terms, from a safe distance…
Maybe they deserve to learn that they really can lose you, not because you’ll kill yourself, but because you could have a better life around other people.
I wish I could. I already started my life over once. Spent a year living out of a suitcase. I barely survived that. I can’t do it again. I lost pictures of my grandparents who have been gone for years. This time I’ll lose books I’ve collected again. Things that are super hard to find I’ll lose. I can’t start over. I’m so tired. I’m sick, not getting better. I can’t afford the meds I’m supposed to take. I can’t be on other meds because I’m on too many and they conflict. I can’t even be on birth control so guys can’t even look at me. Not like I’m in a position to be stable to date. I’m useless in a relationship but I need people. I get attached to people because I want some to love me since my family doesn’t.