Honestly, I did not think I would be on this site this often. It seems like there’s this sense of family here where everyone just wants to support everyone even though, none of us really want to live in the first place.
It’s a very satisfying irony.
Today I woke up at around 3:30 PM. I would have stayed longer in bed if it wasn’t for my mom’s consistent yelling in my head. She thinks I wake up so late because I go to bed so late and, while I do, I should not be sleeping for 12+ hours every night.
Yeah, it’s pretty easy for me to hide my depression since all my symptoms also fall under lazy, unmotivated teen that just wants to do nothing all day.
They forget tho; they forgot how I was before. When I was optimistic and energetic and full of life and hope. They forgot the person that went out of her way to make her projects look amazing and surpass everyone’s expectations. I’m not saying I was perfect, far from it. But I liked who I was.
It’s all gone now. I know I will never get my old self back, even if I am around long enough to see it. All this ranting and I still haven’t gotten to my point. I just wish they noticed. I know what you’re thinking.Why doesn’t she just tell them she’s not OK?
That’s because I’m not allowed to not be OK in my family. It’s a sign of ungratefulness. My mom literally makes fun of me when I cry. So I’ve stopped crying in front of her. My sister would never understand, she thinks my life is so great and I would hate to disappoint her. And my brother, well it would crush him. He’s so sensitive and I’m afraid he might get depression too when he’s a little older.
So when I wake up so late in my house (I’m only here a little longer until I go back to college), my body is so heavy. I cannot pick up my arms; it takes twice the amount of effort it should to get up and I just want to break down and cry. It is so hard. My half sister knows thankfully and I can talk to her. Without her, I would not be here writing this.
What about you? Who’s kept you here this long?
6 comments
Well, if I have to answer your question – you and everyone from this site are the people who keep me here this long. I can agree with all that you said – it truly feels like a kind of family. Even when names often change, when new appear while others get better or take a break for some time, like we all do, the spirit of this site prevails.
I have to admit that I have never in my entire life felt such an unconditional trust and support, that I can get through, that I can make it, without constantly being judged. This feels like a safe place, that will always listen to everyone when no other person in our lives wants to listen and most importantly, this is a place with so many people who understand each another, who are going through or who succeeded and got through all those same things we ourselves are suffering. And everyone wants to help, even if they themselves want help.
I also want to add that I understand what you wrote about not being allowed to be not ok. The thing that hurt the most was when I was just subtly throwing it out in the open how I feel and the response I got hurt me really much. It actually came when I was on the brink of making that last step, however the help came from the most unexpected place, but if it weren’t for people of this site, I wouldn’t have lasted that long, as one gesture could hardly erase all I’ve been going through at that moment.
I also know how it feels to not be able to get up, to be stuck in a bed. To be physically unable to move. It was one of the worst moments of my life. Please know you can talk to us anytime you want, share any though, no matter if it’s a happy one or from the deepest corner of our soul. Just the knowledge there are people listening helped me a lot and I hope I can now help back and I want to hear all your voices.
Mato42 I’m really glad this site is helping you so much. Thank you for the words. It’s good to know that others are also there fighting it everyday and that we’re willing to help each other.
I’m in a similar situation, and I understand how in some families admitting that you have mental illness is just not an option. I would get disowned from my family if they ever found out, because they would think it’s shameful to have a child that is ‘weak and stupid’ for not seeing how good their life is. I’m glad that you feel a sense of community on here, and it’s been really comforting to just scroll through and realize that I’m not alone in what I’m going through. It takes away the isolation.
Yeah 🙂 it feels good to know that someone understands.
My brother saw my cutting scars and he just ran immediatly to this ” Nanny” I have ( Actually a behavioral analysist) and told her that I was cutting. If my mom find out, I’m screwed. My friend told me that he was probably just scared, but I’m not so sure… HELP MEEEEEE