I feel better (?) but I still hate my life. Why is it that I had a good life (for the last 3 years anyway) when depressed, but have a life I hate while less depressed? I wish my ex had the chance to know me like this, that I had a chance to feel less depressed and be happy with my life at the same time, even if it wasn’t for long. If only I had gotten treatment, real treatment, sooner- everything would be so different.
I am so lonely without my ex. I don’t feel like I’ll ever meet someone I love as much as her who also loves me. I was so happy to feel like my future was (somewhat) settled. I was happy about finally graduating next December and starting our married life together.
Depression has left me feeling like I’ve missed out on so much, that I’ve lost so much of my life- I feel behind. Getting married to the woman I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with at 26- it sort of made up for that, that I had gotten so lucky to have found her so soon (I was 22 when we met).
It’s not so much I’m unhappy about being single in itself. I’ve spent plenty of time being single and I don’t just jump from relationship to relationship without spending time alone. It’s because a serious relationship is something I really want in my life. I want someone to spend my life with, a relationship where we support each other through the hard times and good, someone to have a family with. I don’t want to wait forever to find that person. Or what if I never do? How does one attract people (as even just friends) when they’re depressed, anxious, and grieving? No one ever seems to want to talk to me at school. Even in the fiction writing classes where there’s a lot of interaction between students (unlike my math classes) and I knew my peers thought I was a good writer, they were not interested in me personally. Maybe I give off a ‘leave me alone’ vibe, but I don’t know how to stop that.
My ex also made me realize I do want kids, that I do want to experience pregnancy at least once (totally open to adoption for any other kids we’d want, but everything I’ve heard about adoption is that it’s a hard and expensive process). And with having PCOS it may be hard for me to conceive in the first place, waiting until I’m into my thirties makes it seem unlikely it’ll ever happen.
I feel like I’m just going to be spending 2016 just going through the motions, hopefully at least getting my school work done well (Ha! I’ve made only one A in all the math classes I’ve taken), and then just randomly start my career somewhere (I say randomly because I have no idea what kind of job offers I’d get or let alone where I’d go). I like the state I’m currently living in- I like it the best out of any other state I’ve lived in- but as of right now other than having my parents here, there’s nothing really holding me here. I could move to Virginia where I have a good friend and living with her would help both of us out- me in living with a close friend and getting to spend time with her kids and for her, not just the comfort of a friend, but I’d also try to help her in getting her future career on track (she can’t afford child care to go to school now). I do want to live overseas again at some point, but that would be very unlikely for my first job and I don’t think I’d want move that far so soon. I feel like this is going to be a really lonely year.