My heart is beating so fast

The thought of my mom finding out about my depression scares me. Why? Why does it scare me so much? I’m not sure.

This post is similar to my last one but I have to let it out anyway. I woke at around 4 PM today. My friends had planned to come pick me up at around 12PM so we would go spend time together before we all return to college. So when my alarm woke me up at 10 AM today, I texted them saying that I was so sick I couldn’t even get out of bed. That was true, I felt so tired.

It’s ironic how I was telling them the truth but they just thought I was talking about a cold or the flu ( I have a weak immune system, I get those all the time). Then I went back to sleep.

My mom isn’t working today which was another reason for me to not wake up. She had been giving me the cold shoulder to protest against my ‘laziness’. But just now, she came into my room and told me to stop waking up so late, to stop staying in bed all day and to do more things around the house.

I am used to those rants so I was fine and quiet,nodding my head, until she paused and looked around. Then I looked at her and she looked at me. My heart started racing. I felt like she knew. And the words that came out of her mouth next, took my anxiety to another level. “Did you eat?” “When was the last time you ate?”… I was the verge of tearing up but I did the only thing I felt I could; I lied. “I ate a waffle this morning then fell asleep.” ” Ugh whatever if you’re not hungry I guess I have nothing to say.” Then she walked out of my room after announcing that she’ll be going out.

I haven’t been starving myself for the record…Well, not intentionally. I just forget to eat lately. I just don’t want her to find out about my depression. Again, I don’t know why. I guess now it’s time for me to start doing a better job at hiding it.