Its the same old, same old really. I’m a pissed off misanthrope lacking more than a shy percentage of a will to live. I hate sounding like a melodramatic prick but honestly I can’t very well voice my mind without at least coming off to a few people that way. I try to stay honest, I try to stay logical and not let my inflated ego obstruct me…
But honestly… I’m just, ya know, tired. I’m sick of fighting only to look forward and see bigger and bigger battles. Its demoralizing. I’m 17, graduated highschool early, on to tech school to hopefully get a job with the forestry department as a plant pathologist, blah blah blah. A plan I’ve told everyone, that really stopped being anything more than a blind shot in the dark years ago.
I’m an average physically healthy, young idiot bent on suicide. I’ve looked for help everywhere I can but nobody can help someone like me. I can’t talk to therapists because of what I am and how society sees that. I’ve always been harmless but that doesn’t change things in the eyes of society. What I am makes it impossible for me to have a relationship with anyone, have children, a family, or generally live happily. I’m always living in constant fear of the future and people in general. Anything that could bring me any more than a minute of joy is impossible for me to attain.
I’m unemployed and live with my parents, which may sound a tad more pathetic if I wasn’t 17. Though I intend to get a job soon, if my tiny town has any available, and earn at least a few hundred bucks with which to properly and swiftly off myself.
Everyone I’ve talked to has told me “Oh think of your family.” Well I do. Regularly. And I want nothing more than for them to suffer. They’ve betrayed me left and right, and the only one who hasn’t, my father, has always been an asshole to me. Even today he told me, because I don’t eat, that if I want to die to do it under my own roof. Well that would rob me of the glorious chance to make him wipe my brain off the wall. A brain he created, filled with useless bullshit, then tells that it’s worthless all because I’m not particularly motivated to spend a torturous life trying to do the impossible and carve a happy place for myself in this forsake world of fascists and theocrats.
Life is a gamble. And I’m ready to fold. I’M folding, but HUMANS made me fold.
6 comments
HI The White Rabbit: Late coming to comment on this, you seem pretty much at the end of your rope. I totally get it. I also totally understand wanting to punish your own family for the wrongs committed. Man, you won’t find anyone more qualified to stand in your shoes than me.
How are you doing today? Before you decide to earn enough to properly off yourself, which I will not attempt to talk you out of, why not talk a little here. Many of us have stood in your shoes. No shame, no judgement (look at the rules, no hate either). So letter rip. How’s it going?
Well honestly I feel rather melancholy. I’m not sure how to feel. I’m angry at my father (what teenager isn’t though, I suppose) angry at myself and generally angry at humanity. I realize that things are the way they are for reasons… but the reasons are always rediculouse. Its always about humans controlling humans which, to me, seems like a bizarre notion just in general.
Anyhow, you could say I’m going better today than I was yesterday. My nerves are less raw but outright violent anger has cooled and solidified into an overall tempered hatred for most components of my life.
And honestly, I was hoping that what you said would be the case; because this really is the last place I feel I can turn to maybe get some help pulling my head out of this nihilistic pit I find myself in…
Well bring it on then, let this be the place. Tell me how much you hate humanity, or how everyone and all around you need to burn in a pit of firey madness. When I was younger I wished for all those around me to be as miserable as I was, I wanted the world to fail with everyone in it. I hated humanity in general, hated myself, hated my mother, my life. Drank myself almost to death on numerous times.
Much to my chagrin the world kept spinning, people kept succeeding and no one burned in a firey pit of madness, including myself. Dark Dark times.
why is it better today?
I’d say that’s an accurate assessment of how I feel. Today I feel a tad better because I’m tired. I don’t sleep well most nights because my heart jolts me awake when I’m on the edge of sleep because I get PVCs (Premature Ventricular Contractions, naturally nonfatal). Its like my heart thinks its stopped and the redundant neuron clusters fire, causing it to falter a little before returning to normal. Anyhow, that keeps me awake because it feels like I’d imagine a defibrillation feels like, but just within my heart.
Plus… last night I was talking to a good friend who… I admitted I had a rather strong crush on a while back. We talked a bit about that and the reasons behind why we feel we don’t have potential. I feel that he’s… simply too “far out of my league” as they say. He said he just feels that I need to get over my sadness before anything good could come of a relationship. So that gave me a good deal of resolve to, no matter how much it burns in my gut, try to get over my issues. So… that’s why I’m here.
Wow, you sound like you are in a pretty decent place as far as headspace. Thinking your way through a lot of these things. Can you take any medicine for the PVC?
I try not to be irrational… I don’t always succeed but who ever does. And unfortunately no. They used to give me horrible panic attacks when they first started when I was 15 or so, but eventually I was able to work my mind over it and now it doesn’t bother me during the day. Its just at night that it really screws with me.