Its the same old, same old really. I’m a pissed off misanthrope lacking more than a shy percentage of a will to live. I hate sounding like a melodramatic prick but honestly I can’t very well voice my mind without at least coming off to a few people that way. I try to stay honest, I try to stay logical and not let my inflated ego obstruct me…
But honestly… I’m just, ya know, tired. I’m sick of fighting only to look forward and see bigger and bigger battles. Its demoralizing. I’m 17, graduated highschool early, on to tech school to hopefully get a job with the forestry department as a plant pathologist, blah blah blah. A plan I’ve told everyone, that really stopped being anything more than a blind shot in the dark years ago.
I’m an average physically healthy, young idiot bent on suicide. I’ve looked for help everywhere I can but nobody can help someone like me. I can’t talk to therapists because of what I am and how society sees that. I’ve always been harmless but that doesn’t change things in the eyes of society. What I am makes it impossible for me to have a relationship with anyone, have children, a family, or generally live happily. I’m always living in constant fear of the future and people in general. Anything that could bring me any more than a minute of joy is impossible for me to attain.
I’m unemployed and live with my parents, which may sound a tad more pathetic if I wasn’t 17. Though I intend to get a job soon, if my tiny town has any available, and earn at least a few hundred bucks with which to properly and swiftly off myself.
Everyone I’ve talked to has told me “Oh think of your family.” Well I do. Regularly. And I want nothing more than for them to suffer. They’ve betrayed me left and right, and the only one who hasn’t, my father, has always been an asshole to me. Even today he told me, because I don’t eat, that if I want to die to do it under my own roof. Well that would rob me of the glorious chance to make him wipe my brain off the wall. A brain he created, filled with useless bullshit, then tells that it’s worthless all because I’m not particularly motivated to spend a torturous life trying to do the impossible and carve a happy place for myself in this forsake world of fascists and theocrats.
Life is a gamble. And I’m ready to fold. I’M folding, but HUMANS made me fold.