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Numb

by hd_enuf

Yup. totally and utterly numb.

It feels like someone has turned off a switch in my head and switched on autopilot mode. I am doing daily chores, smiling and talking to family, going to work and coming back home, cook meals, and cut.

Its like a routine and for last two weeks I cut on my thighs (so that my hubby wont see) every other day just to make sure that I am still alive. The pain is the only reminder left of life.

Oh how I wish, this routine would include studying… I am at the verge of being thrown out of my PhD, both my supervisors extremely frustrated with my lack of progress. I have a meeting with them tomorrow, to discuss what I did in last month. I did None, Zilch, Zero progress. I should be writing right now, something, anything, for the meeting and I am here. I am trying to but the overwhelming sense of fear has reached the point where I just gave up. I just feel numb, staring at my laptop’s screen.

I thought that I was losing control, that either I would eventually snap or people around me would realise that I am worthless. But with each passing day, with each drop of blood and each new scar, all these stupid feelings are fading in to nothingness. I know my parents will be disappointed, me and my husband will have to go back to our country, I know that I am losing precious time… But… I just cant… Lost control of my body, its in autopilot and I am nothing.

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3 comments

Robs 1/24/2016 - 5:41 pm

Can only say I go through each day with the same feeling of helplessness and I’m in the same situation. I’ve made up my mind, if I fail this year on my university programme which I’m enrolled on, it’s the end.

I will kill myself if I fail this year and for those who say to seek help, I’m sorry to say I’m the one that will say otherwise.

My life was an upbringing around drunks and physical abuse. All I know have achieved so much more that I will never reach up to. So I can clearly say at this point I’ve had it, if I fail my univserity courses this year, its done, I’m gonna reset myself, I’m gonna kick the bucket and start over again.

SameMistake 1/24/2016 - 7:30 pm

I have the same problem ma’am.
No matter how hard you try or how important you know it is ….
. you simply don’t study. And
It will really completely destroy you’re life.
Something as simple as lack of studies can destroy your life .

October_rain 1/25/2016 - 8:12 pm

If you are still around… Why are you doing a PhD program? For what reasons and purpose does it sound like you’ve got so much pressure on yourself and don’t even truly want it? Are you simply doing it to try to please your parents? Shouldn’t they be pleased with you already, PhD or not?

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