Yup. totally and utterly numb.
It feels like someone has turned off a switch in my head and switched on autopilot mode. I am doing daily chores, smiling and talking to family, going to work and coming back home, cook meals, and cut.
Its like a routine and for last two weeks I cut on my thighs (so that my hubby wont see) every other day just to make sure that I am still alive. The pain is the only reminder left of life.
Oh how I wish, this routine would include studying… I am at the verge of being thrown out of my PhD, both my supervisors extremely frustrated with my lack of progress. I have a meeting with them tomorrow, to discuss what I did in last month. I did None, Zilch, Zero progress. I should be writing right now, something, anything, for the meeting and I am here. I am trying to but the overwhelming sense of fear has reached the point where I just gave up. I just feel numb, staring at my laptop’s screen.
I thought that I was losing control, that either I would eventually snap or people around me would realise that I am worthless. But with each passing day, with each drop of blood and each new scar, all these stupid feelings are fading in to nothingness. I know my parents will be disappointed, me and my husband will have to go back to our country, I know that I am losing precious time… But… I just cant… Lost control of my body, its in autopilot and I am nothing.