I am currently sitting around, midnight close, waiting for…
Well what?
I have nothing more to do but lie here reading other people’s life stories.
But lying down next to loneliness makes me write this message.
I don’t know what will come out of the following post, but I’m merely letting my fingers wander on the keyboard, awaiting whatever question is suddenly formed.
Perhaps this is a start:
How many of you felt depressed as a teenager (as I am one myself), and the situation never has changed, up to this date?
That you’re still constantly burdened with the same unending sadness from years ago, that still haunts you?
That you have yet to experience a change?
I know that asking if “hope really does exist,” is a rather general question, and to be frank, hope is the very last thing on my mind, thus I ask if, personally, for adult readers, if you guys are still living the same endless cycle as your teenage years.
Mind if you give a little story?
I’m merely alone tonight, as every other night:
Just one more night.
13 comments
I raise my hand but have no story. Just that for me it gets better for a few weeks and then everything comes down again. Same cycle different details. Year after year, and a couple of big depressions at least once a year or so. Boring.
Am I glad you responded.
I am so horribly alone tonight.
I wish I have more to say… about hope… it’s a subject I know I keep on thinking… and right now, I am it’s prisoner again. So I rather don’t comment about it much.
What’s your story?
I’m too young to have a story, I say,
But I am just so sad.
So sad and hopeless to the point that I don’t move or eat sometimes,
Friendlss.
But heck, who am I to say I have depression?
I never got tested.
I may not know anything at all.
Lemme reword this,
I know that the way I feel constantly, my thoughts, my feelings,
they all reflect depression.
But I am not like those that’ll claim they have a mental illness for the excuse of it.
How do we know in the end if we aren’t tested, even if we are seriously close to the symptoms?
Maybe it’s better like that. To not label it. Because it may be just a normal reaction to what ever you are living right now. See if you can control it. And change things before they turn bigger. Just because it’s better to do it now, than to let it expand in time. I think lots of people go through uncertain moments like those of loneliness and of a sense of being hopeless. But it doesn’t mean you are actually sick or anything. It’s a matter of geting to know yourself.
I am just guessing, I don’t really know much about it either. I am just trying to understand a lot of things right now too.
I personally prefer not being labeled, but in some ways labels are nice as knowing what the problem is is nice…. To answer your question I started feeling really bad when I was around 12 as I started realizing that I just couldn’t really hold onto people for long in my life…. mostly just felt lonely, which I thought was the problem. For me the cycle did change once I got a bit older (around 17 or so) as I then did manage to start both making friends and holding onto them for longer than a week or so ( that mostly was due to going to a really small school) and then after graduation became lonely again, however that’s been fixed again…… So really many things have changed a lot in my life, however none have really made me not feel terrible most of the time. So I guess no positive change? Overall I don’t feel the cycled changed…… Hope is a weird thing, I still hold onto mine, it doesn’t cost anything to carry with you so I do feel that abandoning it makes no sense. Plus it feels nice to have. ^_^ I hope that this was what you were looking for. Also I am hoping that this helps a little bit with being alone tonight. 😀
Do you have plans for tomorrow?
By tomorrow I mean morning really (not sure on your timezone) -_-
I’m in the same boat, and I wish I could say something that would comfort you or give you a little hope. I’ve never been formally diagnosed either, but I can relate to how you feel, all the loneliness. We really are too young to be like this. But hey, we’re here to keep you company when you need it. I hope things get better for you
I’ve been like this since I can remember. I don’t know anything else.
Its amazing;
If someone were to have ever asked me, “how long have you felt suicidal?”
The immediate thought that would enter my head would be “five, possibly younger.”
But I would reply with a later date.
Its just so odd to say you thought about suicide so young, especially to those who had not yet endured through “serious problems/issues.”
What made me want to kill myself at 5? In fact, how does a 5 year old even comprehend what suicide is?
Can I justify these thoughts by saying that at the age of 5, I solely comprehended that “dying,” was something I “should,” do. Did I know it was, technically known as “suicide”? Nope.
Yet it steered me at such a young age.
People. I realize, are wrong when they conclude that a certain age is “too young, to have died.”
Yes it may be true for some cases,
but what more can I say to someone, besides “I’ve felt this way, practically, since I was born,” only to be questioned with, “Why was death on your mind at the mere age of 5?”
God, some things I just don’t know either.
I am Bi-Polar so I had mania for most of my childhood with a couple real lows, mostly triggered by my surroundings. When I witnessed my father throw my brother through a partition, or hid in my room afraid I was next on a night I was supposed to be at a dance recital, yeah, I pretty much wanted to die. But then I had these times where I didn’t stop. I’ve been this way since I can remember like I said, but for me the wanting to kill myself mostly comes from wanting things to stop. The thought, the impulses. My impulsiveness has done some real damage in my life. My dark times were often tethered to events or people in my life and eventually I internalized it so I could continue the mayhem.
I hope that makes sense? Like I said I was born that way, and so were you. We are perfect in our insanity. Well at lease that is my opinion.
Ive been suicidal since 7 and first attempted at 12. That attempt was in the 90s. My depression is older than a lot of the posters on this site. Idk if it gets better im still hoping that it does though.