something

Sometimes it feels like I’m coping, maybe even okay.

Then I’m back to anxious and sad and missing my ex so much my chest hurts.  I want her to be missing me.  She probably is, but it doesn’t feel like it.  At one point she’d said she was planning to contact me a few months after the breakup, because she missed me so much and still wanted me in her life.  I think all that’s over.  She wasn’t planning to leave the state then. Now she has.  Maybe she’ll come back, but…

I feel like she’s done with me.

I feel like I’m the one who has lost more, even though I can see how I’m actually setup to “recover” better.  I may not be as smart as her or socially skilled, but I don’t have ptsd. I thought- we both thought- that she had dealt with her ptsd more than she has.  She may never have the family relationships that she wants or may always struggle with them.  It may take years for her to feel like she can be in a relationship again. She had said she’s afraid she’ll never be able to fully open up with someone, since if she couldn’t do it with me then with who?

I fully believe she has to ability to recover and have and do all the things she wants to, but it’ll take time.  And it’ll take time for me to recover as well, but I think she’s right- I am stronger than her- and my depression has already improved from TMS and may improve even more as I continue to take Metformin.

I know all these things logically, but it doesn’t help me feel it.  It’s hard to not feel like I failed- I failed to keep my relationship together, failed to be the person she needed me to be, to be the person she would fight for.