Success and Happiness

I never got anything I really want. When I do anything, have excellent results, I am the best, the unattainable… But when I do something I really want, no matter how small it is, all I gain is a miserable failure to remember for a long time. And isn’t a normal failure, is the most painful of all: the frustration, when you can 99 when need 100, when you see the finish line and falls in the race.
Know, I like drawing, but I can’t even draw a face… and I’ve been trying to learn 6 years ago. I like music, but I know even hold a guitar properly… and I’ve been trying to learn 2 years ago. I like to write stories, but make one page is a challenge… and I still dream of writing a book. I like to talk with someone, but I never had many friends, people think I am not likeable… probably they’re right… And finally, I think that to study sucks… and I am the 4th in a college in my country. Yeah. Maybe because i’ve a “supernatural power”… maybe because I don’t have anything to enjoy in my life…
When I think of giving up, always has a random ************ to say “don’t give up, you will succeed, keep trying” and convinces me to add another scar on my heart and mind.
It’s like… every time I’m grinning, comes a giant hand and gives me a punch… Know, it’s cruel call this “life”. The success is a hard road and isn’t the road to happiness, but I don’t see any other to go. So, I’m on this empty road, where I look back and see nothing but dusty trophies, with no one to show or anything to do with them. There isn’t a single moment in my life to me remember on my deathbed and say “that day was worthwhile“. Sometimes when I’m crying into the darkness, like now, I think in disappear, but there’s always a flame inside me that says I can be happy. This flame that burns me so much…
I just… do not know what to do. I think even suicide would fail, but… I haven’t faith or ability to be happy in this world. Maybe I just don’t born to be happy… I’m climbing a long ladder without knowing what will I find up there, but I’m afraid after so much effort the only thing I make is… fall. Or jump.