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Success and Happiness

by Arodanarg

I never got anything I really want. When I do anything, have excellent results, I am the best, the unattainable… But when I do something I really want, no matter how small it is, all I gain is a miserable failure to remember for a long time. And isn’t a normal failure, is the most painful of all: the frustration, when you can 99 when need 100, when you see the finish line and falls in the race.
Know, I like drawing, but I can’t even draw a face… and I’ve been trying to learn 6 years ago. I like music, but I know even hold a guitar properly… and I’ve been trying to learn 2 years ago. I like to write stories, but make one page is a challenge… and I still dream of writing a book. I like to talk with someone, but I never had many friends, people think I am not likeable… probably they’re right… And finally, I think that to study sucks… and I am the 4th in a college in my country. Yeah. Maybe because i’ve a “supernatural power”… maybe because I don’t have anything to enjoy in my life…
When I think of giving up, always has a random ************ to say “don’t give up, you will succeed, keep trying” and convinces me to add another scar on my heart and mind.
It’s like… every time I’m grinning, comes a giant hand and gives me a punch… Know, it’s cruel call this “life”. The success is a hard road and isn’t the road to happiness, but I don’t see any other to go. So, I’m on this empty road, where I look back and see nothing but dusty trophies, with no one to show or anything to do with them. There isn’t a single moment in my life to me remember on my deathbed and say “that day was worthwhile“. Sometimes when I’m crying into the darkness, like now, I think in disappear, but there’s always a flame inside me that says I can be happy. This flame that burns me so much…
I just… do not know what to do. I think even suicide would fail, but… I haven’t faith or ability to be happy in this world. Maybe I just don’t born to be happy… I’m climbing a long ladder without knowing what will I find up there, but I’m afraid after so much effort the only thing I make is… fall. Or jump.

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Out Foxed 1/15/2016 - 11:33 pm

Hey,

I hear what you mean about feeling like you never quite reach the goal that you are aiming for, but I wonder, do you think getting that 100 instead of a 99 would make a large difference? I mean, I know it means you technically reached a goal, but is that goal something you set for yourself, or something society/family set for you?

Would the pleasure be derived from actually reaching the goal, or from knowing that you tried your best and got something good? Basically from enjoying the process and not the result? I mean, I know this sounds cliche, but sometimes the journey to the destination is more important than the destination itself. The journey is where you learn, where you stumble and get back up stronger than ever. Where you can look back and say, “hey I’ve improved”. After all, even if you got 100’s all the time, but never had to work hard for it, would it really feel good?

I have no idea where i was going with this, but I hope it made some sense.

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