I’ll be using SP as my dream journal as long as I’m having these horrible nightmares.
I dream about that day. The day he died. I have been dreaming about it mostly every time I go to sleep. This was one reason I refused to sleep for weeks. I didn’t want to sleep because I was afraid of seeing him in my dreams. Afraid of losing him over and over again. In my dreams is where he is alive. I wake up to the reality that he is gone. That’s what hurts more than anything. Each time, he dies. I try to save him somehow, but every single time, he dies.
This time though, it was different. Everything happened just the way I remember it. Only this time, he didn’t come to my rescue.
It felt so real. I could feel the blade of the knife piercing through my back all but 25 times. I could feel each blow of every cut wound to the back of my head, until I fall to my knees and die. Yes. I’m the one who dies. Just the way it should have been.
I fell asleep for only an hour, and in that hour I had this dream. I don’t want to sleep. Not anymore. Not ever. Not when all I see is this.
Not when…
All I see is blood…
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If the man I loved died… I don’t care if I dreamed of his death, I don’t care if there is blood. I would sleep through every horror. Sleep every hour. Just so I could see his face. And if I couldn’t take it any more. I would join him in death. I would sleep one last time, dream one last time, and then I would think back on our memories. His face. His smile. The feeling of my fingers running through his hair. And then I would also leave this world. Because without him… I can’t imagine life without him. Because life without him is death.
It’s not that I don’t want to see him. I do. I enjoy seeing him in my dreams. What hurts is waking up to the reality that he is gone, and I can’t even join him. I wish so bad that I could just end it and be with him, but I can’t. I’m stuck here. I have a family I need to think of, one that will be devastated to lose me too, and so soon after he just died. I can’t die at least for a few years. More than 10 years. It sucks and hurts so fucking much. He died protecting me. He died because of me. So I’d rather not sleep because it hurts when I wake up.
Oh I see. Yeah I would react the same way in your position then. I don’t have anyone relying on me. If I did I would torture myself daily. I get it now. You’re at that spot where you can’t do it yourself but you would be grateful if something were to happen and do it for you. I got in a car accident not to lono ago and I was so posed off that it didn’t kill me. My car was totalled, and it was a complete accident, and no one was hurt. But I wanted nothing more than to be the one who died.
Well you do need to sleep. Try to put him out of your mind before you go to sleep at night and maybe the dreams of him will stop.
Try to focus on something else before your sleep. Read a nice book or something and focus you imagination on something pleasant.
I’ll try that. Thank you. You know, before, dreams about him were pleasant. They just tortured me because I’d wake up to the reality that he is gone. That’s what hurts. Now I’ve been having nightmares about my entire family being slaughtered and of the day that he died. That’s what been keeping me awake. But, I’ll try to get some sleep.
Meditation before bed will help as well. I swear by meditation and a nice cup of chamomile tea before bed. The chamomile helps you sleep. And the meditation is a great way to relax. Also (if you’re willing to try it) Chakra cleansing meditation is really soothing. Takes about 30 minutes and you feel so much better. Even if you don’t believe in chakras, it does help as a way to clear your mind and help you get the negative emotions out. I wasn’t being very positive in my other comment, and I apologize for that. However, I do recommend doing these things. It’s amazing what one can accomplish through deep meditation and breath control.
I’ve been having nightmares lately, too. None like yours, I’m so sorry that you’re forced to relive this over and over, but still, I know what you mean when you don’t want to sleep. I wake up even more tired than before, too. But I hope that eventually something (time, counseling, new life changes… maybe moving or starting a new job/new school/meeting new people) can help you sleep better. I think the other suggestions sound pretty good, positive things before bed can’t hurt, at least.
Hoping for you.
Thank you vieve. I have a headache from hell right now, and my eyes are really heavy. I managed to get some sleep. Just a few hours of sleep. Sleeping during the day is better than sleeping at night.