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They say it gets better.

by tired123

They say it gets better and I want to believe that. I have fought with depression for so many years I hardly remember before I had it anymore. Yes there are times when I dont feel like blowing my head off. But time after time the feeling comes back. It seems to be my brains “go to” thought whenever Im even the slightest bit upset. I have tried depression medication…. Many kinds…. But they dont seem to do anything for me but make me a tired zombie. I stopped trying to find one that works about 8 years ago.

My husband cant grasp why I feel the way I do, Heck I dont know why I feel this way half of the time. People without depression just cant understand. He thinks he must be doing something wrong and feels upset when I talk about how I feel, so I have just stopped talking to him about it. Why upset him over and over again.

Well like I said I do have some good days and while Im having a bad one I try and tell myself it will get better. I will feel ok again. But for how long do I have to keep saying this to myself. How many times will the depression rear its ugly head over and over again. Im tired, so tired. I just want to know that the light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train.

Does anyone feel the same way. Or am I totally alone in this

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12 comments

rainyday 1/21/2016 - 12:53 am

No, you are not alone, many of us, as you can read on this forum, have gone through period of depression and sadness. With some good days and other bad days.

I know what you are describing, no one know what is to have depression, if they have not experimented the feeling before. Then try to explain a “healthy” person what you are feeling, it is a lost of time and effort.

I know that when I am in low point, feeling really sad, help me distract my mind with things no related to my depression. Sometimes is impossible, because there are a reminder in any place I go or move. But it is a good thing to escape from reality and read, or listen to happy music or watch a comedy movie or paint or write down our thoughts or go shopping or go out with friends.

I do not have idea if never ever we will get better. Then in my case I am prepared to deal with this sadness for life.

Take Care.

tired123 1/21/2016 - 1:12 am

Thanks rainyday. I do try to read or something when Im feeling depressed. But sometimes its so bad I just want to sleep. But that is usually when my insomnia kicks in and Im just laying there with my thoughts. My thoughts are not my friend. I can only pray that this will not always be my life although it looks like it might be. Not sure if I can deal with it forever but I am trying. That is what brought me here.

Cordless 1/21/2016 - 1:15 am

I know what you mean.
People who don’t have depression just don’t understand. They mistake it for a simple “bad mood” or they assume some “thing” must have happened, as if there’s always a concrete reason for everything.
Sometimes depression just exists for no apparent reason and it has a life of its own. So many people don’t understand that, and it’s especially frustrating when our loved ones are the ones who don’t understand.

tired123 1/21/2016 - 1:31 am

Yes trying to explain depression to someone is like trying to corral a herd of cats. Pointless… I love my husband so much. I wish I could talk to him openly. If it weren’t for him I dont think I would be here at all. Its kind of funny I try to protect his feelings and spare him getting upset when my life could be in danger. But thats how it is and how it will stay most likely.

Wrath_Hurricane 1/21/2016 - 7:10 am

,,How can someone understand beauty when they have not seen ugliness” -Someone
I honestly just simply stopped trying to explain my self to anyone as in the same way i cannot understand how is it possible not to understand pain for them.

tired123 1/23/2016 - 12:46 am

Well said Wrath

justscribbles 1/21/2016 - 1:16 am

You’re not alone! I guess I’m still here because I don’t have a gun. That’s one for gun control! I never talk to anyone including my spouse. What is the point? I tried medication. It was prescribed for migraine but I discovered it’s the same as what my mother takes for depression. But all it did was making me thirsty and numb. I feel guilty that although I have everything in life but I’m still sad… Not all the time, but when I do I just want to blow my head off. Sometimes I pray a truck will hit me, struck by lightning, or get cancer, but those things only happen to happy folks.

Well, so much about me. I hope it will get better for you. For me, I don’t want to get better, I just don’t want to be living. Oh, I have two small children too. When I see them fallen asleep, and me so depressed, it just makes me feeling even more awful!

tired123 1/21/2016 - 1:36 am

Im glad you dont have a gun justscribbles. And I get the wishing something would happen. I find myself doing the same thing. I hope it gets better for you too hun. When I am doing ok sometimes i find myself singing the “Just keep swimming” song from Finding Nemo I know its silly but wanted to make you smile if I could.

Hazy Day Sunflower 1/21/2016 - 7:33 am

For me it doesn’t get better it just gets different. I have powered through a lot of dark days and each bout is different from the last. Over the years I have learned to make arrangements, prep my life if you will, during the good times knowing full well the crash is going to happen that it is inevitable. It has helped keep my life on track.

tired123 1/21/2016 - 10:32 pm

Hope it does get better Hazy For you, and for me.

EverydayStruggles 1/21/2016 - 11:10 am

I’m 21 years old and I’ve had the same thing ever since I was 14. I really feel for you on how nobody gets it. When you try to explain to people what that kind of suffering is like they say they know but you can really tell they don’t. They don’t know the kind of suffering we have endured. They don’t know what it’s like to be so exhausted for so long it feels like the life is slipping out of you. I really admire your empathy towards your husband. Just think how much he must love you to stay by your side when your depression is so bad. Don’t take it for granted, I was abandoned by someone who I wanted a life with because my depression was as bad as yours and I never would have imagined she would quit on me. Please don’t hurt yourself. It would destroy your husband. I mean his life would become a hell on Earth. I would have checked out several times by now but I just can’t destroy my family like that. It would ruin them. Try to lean on your husband more. Tell him he’s great and that you really need him. It will make him feel good if you say it that way. Tell him you’re sorry you can’t explain what it feels like and you just need him to have your back and be there for you. Don’t push him away. If he is a nice guy he will not mind being there for you. Best of luck to you I do know how that kind of bad feels. It’s just an awful awful kind of thing. I’ll be fighting to stay alive with you. I’ve just accepted life may not get better. I just stick around for my family and I hope you have the strength to at least do that too. Hang in there, if I can you can.

tired123 1/21/2016 - 10:06 pm

Hey Everydaystruggles. I know what you mean I am very lucky. My husband is a wonderful man and is as supportive as he can be with the little I do let him in on with what I go through. But over the years I have learned how to hide my depression pretty well. Years ago all I wanted to do was sleep and did so very often. Now days I put on my Im ok face and make it through each day even going to work. Most people would not even know what my head puts me through most of the time. And I agree with you about it would destroy my family if I acted on my feelings. They dont deserve to live through what my suicide would put them through. Most days I can see that, other days its all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I kind of just pray that one day I wont feel like this anymore. I want hope. But there is another part of me that thinks Im fooling myself and I may never be “normal”. I am hanging in there. Thank you for your kind words.

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