Spent $250 today on supplies for my exit.
Have booked in a days leave from work in two days time so I have the whole night and day by myself to pull this off.
I have tried before & failed. It was painful and i dont want to go through that again.
The method Ive chosen this time should be painless if all goes to plan.
Thoughts of my family keep trying to push their way into my brain, but I keep pushing them out . I know they will be OK & I know I simply can’t go on being me.
I’m a good person but I’ve done some things I just can’t come back from, I’ve been shamed too greatly.
The countdown is on…48hours left..So scared but cant wait for peace.
29 comments
What things have you done?
I had a love affair with a work colleague awhile back. It lasted a year and he told me he was leaving his partner for me but he never did. It’s been 6months & I’m still not over it. I’ve done some terrible things in my anger such as writing her emails telling her all the things her partner had said to me & some details of our affair. My mum now knows coz they sent copies of my emails to her, that’s the worst part. I’m so ashamed. They’re taking me to court in a few weeks time & I’m probably gonna get a criminal record now. Ahhh sounds so petty when I write it down, espevislly after reading some other people’s problems. But it’s the final straw for me.
Your situation does seem extremely embarrassing. And, not petty… shame is dreadful and a criminal record can be debilitating.
What is it about shame? I think we are always harder on ourselves. Others do forgive and, after time, they often forget.
You write “Thoughts of my family – – I know they will be OK & I know I simply can’t go on being me.”
I know your family will not be OK. To provide some perspective, my son killed himself 7 years ago, and I am not OK. One of the last things my son said to me on the day he died after I told him I was so worried about him is “You’ll be fine, mom.” I actually think he thought I would be ‘fine’, because I wouldn’t have to ever worry about him again. That part is true, I have no more worrying about him. But I have constant sadness. Oh… and I now have no reason or desire to live.
I am so sorry and sad to hear that your son left. Are you able you understand why he chose to leave? Are you able to forgive him? I am sorry to hear you have been caused so much pain & you have no desire to live. Do you have other children or family? I have a brother & sister & believe them & my parents will be there for eachother & be ok.Yes I can certainly understand him saying that, that is exactly how I feel. I cause my mum so much worry. She does so much for me and I give nothing but worry back to her. I hope you can find some condolence in knowing your son is now at peace and you find a reason to want to carry on yourself.
Yes I completely understand why my son left. And I forgave him instantly. I stood by his tree and waited 4 hours for the police and paramedics to bring him down from the tree limb. He looked beautiful and peaceful. The police were a$$es, insisting they would not grant my request to hug and kiss my son unless I permitted them to search his bedroom. I did not allow the search; I did hug and kiss my son. He was still warm after 4 hours!
For a decade, from age 14 to 24, my son was certain he did not want to be a slave in society. He was kind, friendly, handsome, and intelligent. At age 16, he said to me “We’re like little ants just tasking. Why bother?”
I have no other children. I have a few relatives, but none who *really* care about me, as they are Plastic Platitude people, who just insist that I, and everyone, be happy, focus on the positives, and not bring up the past. Nobody talks about my son. Nobody. My husband is elder with health issues, primarily hereditary muscle-wasting. After he dies, there is no reason for me to live.
This is something I wrote yesterday as a comment on another SP post:
– I was selfish. I didn’t want my son to die.
– I didn’t want my son living in pain, but I wanted my son to be alive, to have hope and joy.
– When he killed himself 7 years ago, I experienced raw excruciating heart break.
– But, I felt relief for my son.
– I am unselfish. I am sad.
– My son was never selfish. He is at peace.
Your parents might be ‘sort of’ OK because of having your brother and sister and they can all help each other when/if you die. But, it’s more probable that they won’t be OK. I know of a family who suffered the suicide of their 16 year-old son 3 months ago. Mom, dad, and 2 other sons are not coping well. They are a very close loving ‘normal’ family. They are all in weekly therapy – psychologist and psychiatrist. All are on Rx to ease the pain. Older son was hospitalized for trauma and dehydration from vomiting. Younger son, who was like a shadow to the middle son, was catatonic and couldn’t function for weeks. He can still barely sleep and when he does, has nightmares. He now hates their home where his brother died. Father now doesn’t want to live but knows he must for the other boys. Mother is desperate to save the rest of her family. Even now, the mom says “There are bad days and horrible days.” The family is now selling their home and moving to a different town.
The things we do sometimes damages ourselves much worse than the people we inflict it on. I never understood when people said how can you love with yourself after doing ____ . But now I know
Why not spend the next 48 hours talking to the folks on the forum. We are fairly good company, we won’t judge you and it won’t be a lonely 48 hours.
Thank you I will do 🙂 It will be nice to be talking to people before I go.
It is the least I can do. Why two days from now?
It’s just that’s the day I have off from work. (I booked it awhile ago). I need a decent amount of time for the method I’m using and also need to drive to a secluded location for it 🙂
I think I might know the method you are trying to pull off. Remember the word vegetable. Remember at night cops take rounds checking common secluded areas and sometimes the methods can be a lil to noisy or to obvious where it is exposed. take your time I just don’t want something becoming the worst and that’s being a vegetable hands down. I hope you manage to make it through this
Thank you 🙂 Yes the word vegetable does haunt me a little. I hope I can go to sleep and just not wake up, but I certainly fear it may not work out that way. I live in a fairly rural and remote area so I think I should be able to find somwwhere reasonably safe from police
I dont want to be me anymore either. I dont think im a good person. I hate myself. And my family wouldnt care if i was gone. They wouldnt even know. None of them speak to me any longer. It sounds like you have more going for you than you just may realize. But i know what it feels like to want to die. ?? wish i had a way out of here so bad.
I’m so sorry you are going through so much pain. I understand feeling like not a good person and hating yourself, that is how I feel too. That’s horrible your family don’t speak to you anymore. Sounds like your a strong person to still be here battling. I wish I could be like that & not have a family that cares about me…that way I wouldn’t hurt anyone. But it must be hard for you not having family. I hope you have someone out there you are close with. Good luck and keep battling, I hope things work out for you!
Is your countdown still on? If you dont go through with it or if it fails will you let us know that you’re ok? I know im a hypocrite… I want to die but i dont want any of you to die. And you seem like such a nice kind person all of your posts to everyone you seem like such a very nice person. I hate that you want to die. And i really hope that you dont do anything.mI know that makes me a terrible hypocrite. 🙁
If I’m still around tomorrow night I will certainly come back on and update everyone. Yes the countdown is still on (sorry) but I’ve changed my mind about how I’m gonna do it..I’ve bought all the supplies I need for my painless method. However this method is also a slow one that allows for plenty of opportunity to back out midway through. I think I’d back out. So gonna go back to hanging..nasty but no backing out once I’m in. Haha don’t worry I’m a massive hypocrite too…I’m going to kill myself but go round telling everyone else to hang in there, don’t do it etc haha…will update tomorrow if still here!
I’m going to post some music for you tomorrow, just in case you are still with us. So you don’t feel like you failed. Something beautiful. I’d like to say keep giving it time. Truthfully though, only you know what you can endure, it would be selfish of me to tell you it gets better, it doesn’t. It only gets different. Truthfully, it is up to you, and only you, if things being different can ultimately fulfill you.
I’m sorry to hear what happened and what you’re going through, but let’s say somehow you survived, and years from now it may all sound distant, like a bad dream from long ago? Can’t you just wait and see? you can always take the exit later…
I like what justscribbles said, wait and see. You already have everything ready, so yes, you can always take the exit latter…
Did your mom reacted bad when she found out? Or are you two still in contact?
I agree with the posts above, you might want to consider waiting a little while to see how things develop. Imho 6 months is little time to overcome a situation like the one you endured, it usually takes me years to overcome bad breakups and screwed up love situations (and i’ve had a few). That doesn’t mean that it can be done, and there’s always the possibility that they dismiss the case or something like that. Also, do give lots of thought to your method, i mean, you’ve already survived attempts, and even if you go with a supposedly 100% safe method those always can fail anyways. FTR i should have died like 4-5 times already (from accidents and attempts), so… yeah, give it a good thought.
Thanks everyone for the kind words. You all seem like such nice people & hope you can all get through what your going through. Yea the situation I have issues the final straw for me, but even before this I was never happy. I think when this guy came along it was the first time I had been truly happy. I wasn’t suicidal or depressed before him but I feel I’ve always just been waiting for life to get good. I’ve now come to the realisation that for some of us it just doesn’t and perhaps we are just not meant to be here. Even when I was a kid even though I wasn’t actually suicidal I always thought I would prefer not to exist. I was really surprised as I got older to find out that this wasn’t the norm, & that most people would chose to exist if they had a choice! I’m a really quiet person and always pretend to be happy normal & confident. .I’m just really tired of pretending. Thank you all for caring though 🙂
You know, i was in a similar point in my mid twenties, broken by a relationship, considered ending it (tried too) and if i’m honest, the best years of my life happened after everything went to hell. I’m broken again (otherwise i wouldn’t be on sp i guess), but that doesn’t mean i don’t cherish those good years. I guess i’m writing this because i relate too, i remember saying i didn’t understand life when i was 8 yold, and that never changed. Trust me, there are lots of people that would prefer not to exist (most people will experience that at least temporarily in their lifes), but they’ll never say or admit it. I do hope you end up doing what’s best for you, but if your broken relationship is a big factor of it… i know it’s not my place to say this (and i’m sorry if it bothers you), but it’s not worth it. I do wish you the best.
Thanks 🙂 and no it doesn’t bother me. I struggle to believe things will get better, & even if they do..does the good stuff outweigh the bad? Even if it’s good for awhile it’s eventually gonna go back to bad so is the good even worth it? Life just sounds so long & so tedious and such a battle for the few good parts that may pop up once in awhile. I’m glad your good parts have been worth it for you though! What happened to make you come back on here after things were going well? I hope some good things come back into your life soon then!
I have read your other posts from last Aug/Sep. You’re the same age as my son when he ended his life at age 24 ½.
I’m feeling some panic about your 48-hour ticking timeframe, as there is now only about 27 hours left as I write this?
Have you considered alternatives to death?
In your prior posts, you don’t describe being unhappy or hopeless for your lifetime; and that your current crisis is the unbearable pain and shame during the last 6 months about a relationship gone sour. How was your life before this heartbreak and shame?
In a prior post you describe yourself as “quiet, conscientious, kind-hearted, nature & animal lover, submissive”. I’m wondering if you have thought about relocating and starting anew? Share with your family that you’re so ashamed and in intolerable excruciating pain. Explain that you can’t and won’t live with this agony. Ask if they will help you and support you in making a fresh start in another town where nobody knows you and your past.
Everyone has shameful experiences where we dread facing the next day. The embarrassment is often agonizing. At those times, it’s difficult to look outside of your own misery. Maybe your parents have suffered shame and embarrassment during their younger years. Ask them to share those times and perhaps you will feel not as lonesome in your desperate feelings.
After you relocate, you can get the chocolate lab that you’ve always dreamed of having. I have my son’s black lab, who is now 11 years old. Dogs are delightful, loyal and non-judgmental.
Deal with the court case by hiring an attorney who can help mitigate for you and, if convicted, can describe criteria for sealing and expunging criminal records. It appears that New Zealand has “The Criminal Records (Clean Slate) Act”.
Maybe you will consider other options?
I’m sorry that no one talks about your son, that must be really hard. He sounds like a great person. Im not religious but I do believe there is some after life at least for a short time. When I go I have this crazy dream that all us people who have left this world by choice get to meet eachother coz I feel like we’d all get eachother & be similar souls. So I hope I get to bump into your son if that’s the case 🙂 I also hope there’s heaps of dogs running around in that place haha & that I can send signs to my family to let them know it’s OK. I’m so sorry you have suffered so tremendously. It certainly mustn’t help that no one talks about him. Have you tried going to any of those after suicide support groups?
Suicide support group – Yep, been there; done that. Pathetic disaster.
I, too, think there is an afterlife. I believe the physical body dies, but the soul is forever alive. Maybe kindred souls do connect in the spiritual realm and you will meet my son.
And yes, you’ll be able to send signs to your family. The last time I *saw* my son was when he visited me 7 months after he ended this life. He also sends me signs, usually with feathers.
rubdoo50 – With just a few hours left, will you let us know how you are coping?
Wishing you PEACE f o r e v e r .