I’m trying to keep it together here… I feel like life is just bearing down as hard as it can right now without outright killing me in some torturous way. Yesterday I found out that my sister, my best and… pretty much only real friend in life has a cyst near her brain that’s pressing against it and causing bleeding. She went to Seattle by EM Transport last night and I talked to her for a while on Facebook but… I just wish I could be there with her.
Not a day earlier I talked with… the best guy I know. A guy I’ve had a pretty big crush on since I met him. He knows how I feel and whatnot, and, in short, rejected me. Which I understand and he was as nice as anyone can be about that kinda thing and I don’t begrudge him that… I just feel like all of my worries that I’m inadequate for anyone so amazing were confirmed.
Add to that the same issues I always have; restless nights from heart palpitations that jolt me awake every time I start to doze off, constantly being yelled at for my failings, the usual life stuff everyone goes through in their own way. Plus trying, hoping, to get into college, attempting to complete a fuel cell that’s giving me a knot in my stomach because if it works I’ll be set for the absolute coolest thing I’ve ever done… but if not one of my biggest dreams gets crushed. And in the middle of all this crap too.
I just started feeling like maybe I don’t need to kill myself. Maybe life CAN get better and I could be happy some day. But honestly… that sounds like a pipe dream that’s being crushed more and more every day. But I keep trying to push on. Why? A tiny little shred of hope that maybe life is just showing me some tough love instead of outright torturing me like I’ve always thought.