Home Chronic Pain Up and down and up and down… Fuck this.
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Up and down and up and down… Fuck this.

by The White Rabbit

For three days I was all excited… the guy I really like told me that he’d give me a chance… if… I weren’t suicidal.

SO! I took that thought an ran with it. I applied for college after having the app on my desk for about a month, and started feeling more chipper. I rewired my room as I’ve been planning, sent out orders for my shop, etc.. I was genuinely on the up-and-up for about three days. until today…

Today I see him, say hi, and he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. Likely busy or having issues of his own no doubt, so I don’t blame him. But it made me realize something. I don’t have a chance with a guy like that. He’s so very very far beyond me that… even if I DID get a date with him… he’d surely find one or all of my plethora of faults and be averted from me that instant. Hell, I’m damn near certain. Of course, being the sweety he is he always tells me, when I say that kind of thing, that he’d like me to let him make up his own mind about that. And I honestly think that’s probably one of the most honest things I’ve ever had someone tell me. Another reason to add to the plethora of them that I like him.

All of this aside though… does anyone, even my own self, truly believe that this will ever go away? Can this go away? I mean I was up for three days but that’s how tantalization has worked in my life so far. Up up up BAM down to your lowest low again. And… could I even ask ANYONE to step into my life when that’s how I am? I honestly, once again, feel hopeless amongst a sea of my own pathetic problems. And I honestly feel like this is the only place I can vent without sounding like a whiny ***** making stupid attention grabbing threats or some such thing.

What am I going to do about all this? I don’t know… probably the same thing I always do. Continue and go to college and leave my options open to other things as always. At this point I’m… honestly feeling like I’m headed in whatever direction the wind blows.


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julesbartley 1/28/2016 - 7:04 am

i have come to conclusion that no guy is worth it, no matter how great you think they are. don’t pin all your sense of self worth on one guy.

you’re not a whiny *****, and your problems are not pathetic. be kind to yourself 🙂

i’ve threatened to commit suicide for attention from guys i liked more than i’d like to admit. just when you think you couldn’t lose any more dignity… nope… there it goes…

the highs aren’t worth it.

you are only as valuable as you believe you are, in a way. what i mean is, if you think you’re a piece of shit, how do you expect a guy to treat you with respect?

figure out who you are and what you want before you let someone into your life. you need to like yourself and accept yourself before you let someone into your life (i know it’s such a cliche). otherwise your whole sense of identity is going to come from this guy and things are going to become really fucked up. they are always going to have the power over you, and they can easily use it to their advantage to get away with basically anything. you’re always going to look like the crazy one.

it’s like, do you like him, or do you like yourself better when he likes you? do you see the difference?

anyway there’s a big chance none of this helped at all.

but if there’s a way i can stop other girls from going through what i went through, i will try to help out..

The White Rabbit 1/28/2016 - 7:18 am

Well… with all due respect, the only thing I know is who I am. I’ve been my only friend for… 17 years. Truthfully. My worth is what it is. Man or no man. I don’t expect that having a mate will solve all problems in my life. And even he has told me that “You’ve got to love yourself before someone else can love you.” in more words I believe… But in the end… I don’t think I can love myself. Therefore, I can’t be loved. And so, what’s the point in all of this is I’ll never know what any form of love, from family, friends, or a partner, is ever like? And honestly… I’m… not so sure I’d turn my nose up at abuse right now just to feel even fake love.

And um… by the by… I’m um… I’m a boy… ^_^;

I appreciate your help though. I really do.

Moneypenny 1/28/2016 - 8:40 am

I know how it is to be up because of the possibility of being with someone and then down on how it was never a real possibility (in my case, not necessarily yours) . It does amazes me how up I was able to go for a second.
I just woke up of a dream (literally) I had with this guy. Never expected such a dream. It broke my heart again. (he is just a part of my problem now)
But in general I am trying to find any other kind of people to spend my days occupied, like family members I didn’t even knew I could talk to. And trying on internet, so here I am.
I also hate people telling me that if I don’t love myself then no one may love me, or respect me or whatever. Because it would mean I don’t have a chance.
But one good thing, there is a guy lately that every once in a while comes on internet to say hi. A guy I met like a year ago on some social network and he is still interested in saying hello. It’s not more than that, but now I know it can happen. That maybe you can find some strange kind of distance friends, some how, just to talk to.
My idea: to go easy. So if I stumble i can still manage it. Step by step I am trying to learn how to just talk with some guy. To keep a conversation. Maybe some day I will be able to go for more, like a friendship and hope even more later. But for now, I am still making mistakes like being too intense. I just want some company. But I do believe I can learn how to approach someone i may be interested in without drowning in anxiety.
I still hope for that guy and sometimes it hurts, like today, but I also hope to get over him if I keep concentrating on learning… (crossing my fingers)
So what I mean is that maybe there are things I can change for better, because i do lack some skills, but it is going to take a while.
Hope it helps…

The White Rabbit 1/28/2016 - 10:02 am

Whats the point in all of this anyhow? I try to talk to friends and they just brush me off as an asshat. I’m never going to be with the guy I like… its all rather hopeless. I’m honestly thinking I’m just done. Nobody cares if I live or die. I just… don’t want to be in constant pain and feel like an asshole for bringing everyone down for it asking, BEGGING for help.

Moneypenny 1/28/2016 - 10:10 am

Ok tjat dream really hurt me. O am really do En toda y. I am with you. Totally agree. Sorry

The White Rabbit 1/28/2016 - 6:17 pm

Don’t be sorry. I know you mean well. I’m sorry I’ve just been a horrible person as of late…

Mandrew 2/3/2016 - 6:39 am

People will tell you to find self worth, but I know just how hard that can be when you feel like nobody around you sees any within you. They’ll say don’t pin all of your happiness on one person. Where else are you to find said happiness if you can’t find it within yourself? Loneliness is a total *****, and it can be made all the worse with such a manic state as it seems you’re in. This is a guaranteed recipe for self loathing, which is a hell of a hole to be stuck in. I’m all to familiar with it because I spent my first 24 years alive in a similar state.

I’m not going to tell you things will get better. Who am I to make that assumption? What I do know, however, is things can get better. They did for me when I was positive my situation would never improve. I met my wife 6 years ago and against all odds we were perfect for each other. Due to her health problems they said she’d never have a child. Against all odds we now have a happy, healthy 4 year old daughter. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re better than they were by a huge margin.

Why am I telling you how much my life has improved when you’re feeling so low? Because my past is relatable in some ways to your present. I had a shotgun in my mouth over what now seems like nothing. I pulled the trigger. The shell had no charge. I couldn’t stop shaking for the longest time, and I had used all my nerve to load it and fire. I didn’t have any more to load a new shell.

If I had died that night I wouldn’t be where I am now, even as hopeless as I felt then. The same goes for you. The future holds so much potential for you, even if you don’t feel it now. I didn’t feel it a decade plus ago and I was determined the pain would never subside. It has, though, and it still can for you.

I don’t know you. I’ll likely never know you. That doesn’t matter, though, because I want you to get through this. I know you can get through this, because just like my situation improving against all odds, you can find long lasting happiness. Against all odds you can find the person who will be the absolute perfect fit for you. Against all odds you can manage your manic state of depression. Against all odds you can find the strength to keep going, to stay alive long enough to find what you need most. Against all odds you can feel worthy of being alive.

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