For three days I was all excited… the guy I really like told me that he’d give me a chance… if… I weren’t suicidal.
SO! I took that thought an ran with it. I applied for college after having the app on my desk for about a month, and started feeling more chipper. I rewired my room as I’ve been planning, sent out orders for my shop, etc.. I was genuinely on the up-and-up for about three days. until today…
Today I see him, say hi, and he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. Likely busy or having issues of his own no doubt, so I don’t blame him. But it made me realize something. I don’t have a chance with a guy like that. He’s so very very far beyond me that… even if I DID get a date with him… he’d surely find one or all of my plethora of faults and be averted from me that instant. Hell, I’m damn near certain. Of course, being the sweety he is he always tells me, when I say that kind of thing, that he’d like me to let him make up his own mind about that. And I honestly think that’s probably one of the most honest things I’ve ever had someone tell me. Another reason to add to the plethora of them that I like him.
All of this aside though… does anyone, even my own self, truly believe that this will ever go away? Can this go away? I mean I was up for three days but that’s how tantalization has worked in my life so far. Up up up BAM down to your lowest low again. And… could I even ask ANYONE to step into my life when that’s how I am? I honestly, once again, feel hopeless amongst a sea of my own pathetic problems. And I honestly feel like this is the only place I can vent without sounding like a whiny ***** making stupid attention grabbing threats or some such thing.
What am I going to do about all this? I don’t know… probably the same thing I always do. Continue and go to college and leave my options open to other things as always. At this point I’m… honestly feeling like I’m headed in whatever direction the wind blows.