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51 days

by mranony

For 51 days, I tried being clean. I surpassed the urge to hurt myself using a blade but I still choke myself so I’m not entirely clean. Haha.

Tonight, I cut myself on the upper chest area. Not too deep. I’m going to buy new razors though.

Problem? Mostly because I’m lost. And th people around me can’t seem to understand this.

And just 2 days ago, my mom told me that my father doesn’t really think of us a family.
And I thought to myself if I have ever thought of the same.

Even as a kid, the thing I want to do the most is to burn our house down along with us.

Reason? I just want to end this ruse hiding in the word “family.” It’s downright ironic that my mother and father wanted a happy NORMAL family. Turned out we’re all unstable.
But mom has some escapism issue and tried to make herself believe that we are normal.
Not until I told her I have depression. I tried to open up to her for once because that’s what she said. But it made her more unstable.
So I shouldn’t let her in anymore.

Have I ever thought of us as family. I’m sure I thought of my brothers as my family.
I dunno about them though. Do I love my mother or is it just pity? Am I really capable of love?

Even though I heard the words I’ve been longing for from my brother…

” Don’t die. The three of us will still fight in the apocalypse.”

He finally acknowledged my existence. But even so… It didn’t save me.

Sometimes I think I no longer have a heart to be saved.

I can be stopped but never be saved.

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2 comments

freeroma 2/22/2016 - 2:05 pm

Hey, anony..

I fell off the wagon too, several days ago, after months. Been arguing with myself since as to why not do it again. Didn’t abstain from SH completely, either. Always other ways to cause pain, right? Though a lot of coping methods cause harm in one way or another… Drinking, getting high, even exercise can hurt..

Lost..
Sounds a bit familiar..
I’m trying to get unlost, find a goal or something to work towards. I know where I want to be in the end, just still unsure exactly how to get there. It helps to find some kind of purpose. ‘Sides that ever beckoning Scythe dude..

I.. have my doubts, honestly, on whether everyone can be saved. Given the right circumstances, I think everyone could be. But not everyone finds those in time, or they get too hurt..
Other people.. they aren’t enough by themselves. They can help, provide support, but in the end it’s up to each of us to dig in. That being saved.. Its long-term, y’know? Not instantaneous, or easy. Not even guaranteed…
I don’t think it’ll be tied to any one thing, either. Maybe a bunch of little ones? I’ll tell you if I ever get there. Strange, term, anyway..

You still got a heart, though. The beat may be slow, but it’s there. I guess stopping your heart stops the possibility of being ‘better’.. I’ve had the “Love” argument with myself, too. Maybe it’s like seeing colours. For all I know, when I see a cloud my shade of white is closer to how your eyes would see blue; the label is the same, but the experience is different..
Anyway, Love goes beyond just a feeling. It’s a choice on top of that, a decision to care. Doesn’t stop us from being screwed up, or making mistakes with the people we care about..
Can’t say anything on the family part, as the one I came from is far from functioning. There’s a choice in that term, too.. Beyond blood. Normal is.. abnormal, ha..

I hope you have someone in your sphere you can let in, though. It can be hard to take on another’s pain when you’re dealing with your own.. A mutual exchange is better than one-sided absorption..
I don’t know. Feel free to disregard all as nonsense. I don’t make sense to myself these days, except when it comes to realizing all the things I’ve screwed up on. Such a list..

Do me a favor, don’t buy new blades, huh? Don’t have the best argument for not doing it, but I’ll ask anyway.
It tempts more..
And 51 days is pretty sweet for not drawing blood. I bet you could go more, y’know?

mranony 2/22/2016 - 2:58 pm

Hi, freeroma
What you said are not nonsense at all.
Thank you as always for making a point. Sometimes, people get blind when hurt.
I appreciate it. So, I won’t buy blades today. 😀
Sorry if I don’t have any witty and senseful reply XD
It’s kinda hard to function right now.

And yes. 51 is a pretty sweet number.

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