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accepting the monster inside

by Alan Ominous

Faced some harsh truths this weekend. I’m probably just as, if not more heartless than I perceive those around me. The deep angry hatred for everything is growing. I’m conflicted. How can I be so full of hate and be so empty?

I’ve committed some unspeakable atrocity. In the name of self righteous vengeance. The sad reality, I’m not capable of hating anyone more than I hate myself.

My, wife, surely abuses me. But I guess I deserve it. I’m a terrible person. I’ve done and do despicable things. I have nothing good to give anyone.

I tried to kill myself long before her. I will again whether we separate or not. I guess that’s the hard part prolonging the inevitable with pathetic excuses. Eventually they’ll expire, as will I .

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6 comments

TheValiant 2/16/2016 - 1:53 am

Sometimes I wonder if we could pin down the specifics of what we think we’re so guilty of.

Drowning 2/16/2016 - 6:13 am

I hate my self to you not alone I used to drink and smoke everyday to try get away from myself but that didn’t workout to well

Moneypenny 2/16/2016 - 7:45 am

Hi Alan,
Nice to see you around again. Missed you.
Hey, does it count if I say feeling bad a bout yourself is a normal feeling? I don’t know if anyone that hasn’t feel it.
But I do think you may have complicated issues… why don’t you try, as thevaliant said, to try to put a finger over the different factors that at this moment are making you feel down?
And be sure that the reasons you had for that previous death wish don’t really have to be related to how you feel now. Must times we think we are living one unique long depression when I’m reality we are just experiencing a whole new experience.
You need to focus on two fronts, knowing that you must take care of yourself and knowing you have to work on how you relate with that person that is now your wife.
What is bothering you about you? That’s the first thing
Secondly you have to find a way to talk to that woman… there must be a way to get to communicate with each other.

Can you tell what happened on the weekend?

Glad you are back

Alan Ominous 2/16/2016 - 10:54 am

I don’t know how to elaborate further.

brokenandbent30 2/16/2016 - 4:24 pm

I’m sorry. It’s hard when you see yourself as a monster, a thief, not worthy of anything. Unable to even be a friend because what do you have to offer anyone? All I have is pain and no one wants to hear it. Maybe we’re being too hard on ourselves. I’ve been binging on alcohol and benzos trying to drown out the negativity and forget who I am. Can’t say it’s working that great. Problems never go away. You can drown them out, but they’re still there when you sober up. Can’t run away forever. How I long to disappear.

brokenandbent30 2/16/2016 - 4:32 pm

By thief I mean stealing a beer or pills when Inrun out. It doesn’t excuse anything, but it’s not like stealing a car or TV or something. I just don’t want to be this person.

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