benzodiazeparty

I’m doing ok currently, although I feel lost in myself. Not because there’s much to me, but that there’s nothing, and I feel lost in nothingness, as if consumed by it, if it makes any sense. It’s been some days since I had these light quasi-psychosis episodes, and I’ve been trying to meditate a bit on these strange thoughts I got at those times, and although they seem crazy, I have only emptiness apart from them. It’s not necessarily bad and I don’t intend to complain about it, it is rather peaceful this way, although shallow and melancholic at times. In any case, I was thinking about childhood traumas, and the more I think about it, the scarier it gets, as I see many things that I’ve become came from some sort of traumatic event. There’s specially one that keeps popping in my head about this kindergarten I used to go to as a child, where they hit me with rulers for eating and writing with my left hand, because of child of satan of course! Nowadays I have a strange posture with my arm, eating and writing and etc, kind of similar to prisoner shoving food down in a prison mess hall or something. It’s I guess the more entertaining scene to tell about as well as the simplest, although most of these thoughts I stumbled upon lately showed me how events from old forgotten memories tailored particular modes of my mind and personality, which I guess is kind of shitty in places. I think this medicine I have has been acting up on me lately, for better and worse. I never had these weird episodes, they seem to be halfway between sane consciousness and psychosis, something like a diarrhea of thoughts like one would get from some drugs, where they seem genius and fast and all else, yet there’s also that bitter-sweet aftertaste of “maybe I’m just fucked in the head”. And I’m leaning more towards the latter (hence why these posts!)…