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by whiskered-fish

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31 comments

October_rain 2/29/2016 - 8:45 pm

Are you currently talking to a counselor? Have you told this to one? You should. You need to.

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 8:48 pm

I have a counselor. Didn’t get to see her this weekend.
Anyway, why in all the world would I tell her about this?

October_rain 2/29/2016 - 8:49 pm

Because.

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 8:52 pm

Thank you, that’s very convincing.

GTSuicide_6 2/29/2016 - 8:52 pm

I am pretty murderous too XD
I wouldn’t literally kill anyone, but sometimes anger makes me crave it.
I am sane guys!
But, yes I do feel murderous sometimes.
I guess its the question of, ” I can’t kill others…so I kill myself.”
And thats that.

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 9:12 pm

Makes sense. Sometimes, my suicidal fantasies are more like murder fantasies. Like…I’m looking through the eyes of someone else as they murder “me”, Kat. Those ones are fun. I get to take more…eh… “artistic liberties.”
Yeah, in a lot of ways, my homicidal fantasies and my suicidal ones overlap considerably.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/29/2016 - 8:55 pm

I used to fantasize about things like that. Depending on the stress level in my life. Having violent fantasies is a natural progression of mental illness in many people. i know for me it helped to draw a lot of the violent fantasies I had. I would constantly obsess that I was going to hurt someone and not remember doing it, especially black out drunk. No I don’t think you are going to hell, I think you have a mental illness that manifests itself in violent ideas.

That said, if you feel like you are going to act on this, that the fantasy has gone beyond the point of just day dreaming about it and you find yourself close to acting on it, please please please call 911 and/or see a professional. I talked to my therapist about this a little when I was drugged out on about 2000 mg of Depakote. I would get these breakthrough violent thoughts that would just intrude the hell out of my normal thought pattern. I would be sitting talking to a colleague and would get this compulsion to just start choking the life out of them. Now that is no way to build quality teams in a corporation is it? I’m making light of this, but truthfully, you need to start trusting someone with these thoughts so that you won’t act on them.

So nope, not damning you to hell, because if I did, I’d have to join you.

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 9:44 pm

Thanks for the advice. I wish I could make a longer reply but my brain is fucking tapioca pudding right now.

I do think I’ll act on them eventually. If something doesn’t give soon, I know I will. Who knows, though. Maybe I’ll just butcher myself instead. Put the rabid dog to sleep.

I need help. What’s with me tonight?

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/29/2016 - 9:42 pm

@whiskered fish: you still having crazy thoughts?

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 9:45 pm

Yeah. Mostly directed at me this time.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/29/2016 - 9:47 pm

Does your Dr. know this is going on. does anyone know this is going on, aside form us suicidal maniacs here at SP? I mean, to the extent it is happening?

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 9:53 pm

Nope. And I can’t go to a hospital without failing school.

I know it’s a lethally stupid confusion of priorities, but I’d rather be dead than graduate a year late.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/29/2016 - 10:04 pm

Well here is the way I see it, it isn’t so much about you but the safety of those around you. Like I told you, I used to get crazy kinds of intrusive thoughts, really violent stuff, but it never went past fantasy. If I had thought for a minute I would have acted on it I would have been at the ER checking myself in to ensure the safety of the people I lived with. I didn’t much care about the safety of myself, but my family, sure cared a whole bunch, even if a lot of my fantasy had to do with injuring them. Nope I totally get it.

So would you just consider marching yourself to the closest ER or calling 911 if your thoughts become so bad that you are fairly certain you are going to act on them. I’m talking about you injuring one of the people in your house or life. I have all the confidence in the world you care about the people about them and the very idea of killing a spider let alone a human being appalls you. But it seems that perhaps the thought may become overwhelming, and if that should happen then the decision may no longer be yours.

Plus, and this isn’t to scare you, it is because I really care about you, if you should truthfully hurt someone, finishing school is off the table, perhaps indefinitely. I’m not trying to scare you, I just want you to think carefully and smartly about this.

So to recap:
1) Off the the ER or call 911 if you don’t feel like you can control your compulsion to hurt someone
2) Keep blowing off steam here because I know if makes me feel good when I do it, even if when I read what I wrote later I think I’ve lost my mind. Well we all have, haven’t we.
3) I’m praying for you. I know that means a lot for you.

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 10:20 pm

I meant going to the hospital for wanting to slit my own throat, not someone else’s. But I really do appreciate that advice anyway, and I’ll keep it for future reference.

Thank you for the prayers. I wish God still felt near to me. I feel like I’m an outlander, and I’m wandering the Outer Darkness. Weeping and gnashing my teeth.

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 10:26 pm

I still feel helpless though. Want to go to the hospital, but the whole “not graduating” thing still stands in my way.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/29/2016 - 10:29 pm

Just remember, if you kill yourself, or God forbid, another person, graduating isn’t even an option any longer. Just throwing that out there for you.

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 10:40 pm

I know. I don’t care about being dead and un-graduated. I just don’t want to be ALIVE and un-graduated. If that makes any sense.

Ryder 2/29/2016 - 9:58 pm

Now that’s disturbing…

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 10:01 pm

Indeed. Some people are just bad, and need to die.

Mf 2/29/2016 - 10:16 pm

That sounds like misdirected anger that has been building up for quite a while. In all honesty tho, i’m guessing the amount of people that has felt that murderous like feeling is a lot more than the ones that haven’t, at least at some point in their life. There’s a big difference between feeling something (even if it’s overwhelming) and acting on it tho, so nope, you’re not an awful person, you’re not insane, it’s nothing out of the ordinary to feel that way, BUT!… i do agree with hazy tho. You should find a way to address this, regardless of it being directed at someone else or at yourself.

Might be wrong here, but those anger/i want to kill someone fits usually go away if you direct your attention into something, or just empty your anger into something. Maybe a punching bag or something like that might temporary help? might be worth trying before you go punching or stabbing your whole neighborhood, lol (sorry about the lol, i just pictured someone going from door to door and when they open… BAM! punch in the face).

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 10:38 pm

Thank you for the reassurance Mf, although, I want to clarify that I don’t believe _having_ the fantasies makes me an awful person. It’s the fact that I enjoy them so damned much that makes me an awful person.

And about that second paragraph: Today I tried art, writing, going on a walk. Nothing worked. And anyway, there are certain aspects that I crave that a punching-bag just wouldn’t fulfill. Like the blood.

I will say though, the idea of a door-to-door murderer is hilarious. “When Jehovah’s Witnesses go bad.”

Mf 2/29/2016 - 10:51 pm

Well… it’s anger you know, and that isn’t like the easiest to control emotion of them all. Enjoying it doesn’t means you’re an awful person either, i mean you just might have a dark sense of humor or just have way too much anger inside, acting on it is the only i could qualify as being awful, and that’s debatable too, circumstances play a big part on it.

Some days nothing works, but… yeah, i guess i’m pro hazy on this one, but you could still try to find a way of dealing with this without missing your graduation tho. Upping the therapy and using it to find another way to keep this at bay (at least until you graduate) might be a good idea, but i’m pretty sure you could come up with something better. I mean, there has to be a solution other than sending you to the hospital, imho.

The other choice: settling for being un-dead and graduated. Didn’t see that one commented above and it baffled me, i thought zombies were still a thing.

whiskered-fish 2/29/2016 - 11:18 pm

Alright. I’ll keep that point in mind, maybe it’ll help.

All I want to do tonight though is claw my way of of this vessel and be free.

About the hospital thing: yeah, I also hope that there’s another option.

(Hey, MF? Why didn’t the zombie graduate? Because he didn’t have any brrraaaiiinnnzz!!!)

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/29/2016 - 11:24 pm

LOL@

Moneypenny 3/1/2016 - 8:08 pm

Lol

thehusk 3/1/2016 - 4:23 am

Sounds like your parts are somewhat mixed 😉 . I relate, in terms of something so wrong feeling so right. It’s hard to live with.

As to your worth as a person, I think it matters whether or not you’ve ever given in to that part of you – whether you’ve ever committed significant physical violence. If not, it’s likely because the goodness within you overwhelms that part of you. That is significant. That is valuable. You may not realize how precious it is until you lose it. Only then will you be a monster.

A God who creates people with distressing violent impulses, then punishes them eternally even if they don’t act on them, is no God. You only earn what your actions inflict on others.

whiskered-fish 3/1/2016 - 1:03 pm

Thanks. That is how I feel. Classic Freudian stuff. Id vs. Superego. There’s a part of me that just wants what it wants, doesn’t care about morality or laws or higher principles, only raw pleasure. And there’s another part of me that still clings to those pesky codes and ideals to keep the monster in check. Freud was a quack, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. So of course, I’m not lying when I say “I want to slit somebody’s throat” in one breath and “I love helping people” in the next. It isn’t a lie, just two truths spoken by two different parts of me.
On a related note, this is why I hate hedonism, and can’t live by hedonistic philosophy. My hedonism is someone else’s suffering. I can’t just “do what thou wilt and harm no one.” Because what I “wilt” is to cause harm. And I’m aware of that. I need strict moral codes to guide me, even if they’re “arbitrary” or “archaic” or whatever people are calling them now. I need a bit and bridle to walk in a straight line, and I admit that I do.

I know you mean well, but please don’t blame my God for my own failures. There was a time when I walked faithfully and diligently in Him, and when His spiritual fruits grew abundant in me. At that time, that darker part of me was so subdued that I couldn’t so much as watch a horror movie without feeling disgusted and offended, or call someone a jerk without feeling guilty.
I wandered off on my own accord, in a process that took a very long time. Years. I doubt my ability to return to Him now, but I know I had been able to at the start of this process, and chose not to. I could’ve turned around but I didn’t. It’s my fault and my fault alone.

Anyway, thanks for talking with me, husk. I really do appreciate it.

thehusk 3/1/2016 - 3:38 pm

I wouldn’t want to question any aspect of your religion, as long as it’s working for you. I will point out that avoiding the harming of others is a part of many moral codes, some with less distressing ‘philosophical baggage.’ If that’s what that part of you needs, there may be more helpful ways to get it.

I also wouldn’t want to question your own ultimate responsibility for your feelings, if that’s what you think you need to walk the ‘narrow path.’

For me, although I often feel a great deal of guilt, shame, and responsibility for my thoughts, when I examine their origins, I notice that they ultimately precede me. They have their roots in childhood vulnerabilities, environmental circumstances – things beyond my control. No one would dispassionately choose to feel as I do. The seeds of my evil were already present in the interaction of my biology and the world around me. They are a logical consequence. I did not choose to feel as I do, and I could not have chosen to feel otherwise.

I do not believe in an omnipotent, omnibenevolent, omniscient creator. But if I did, I would have to assume that creation is as they meant it to be, warts and all. Even if God created humankind this broken as some kind of test, so we could rise above it, there would be no justification in punishing merely for a thought. How could you rise above your evil thoughts if you never had them in the first place?

I would be interested to know what you think are the reasons for your ‘wandering off’, and refusing to turn around once you’d done so. Why would you willfully disregard that which could save you from eternal torment? Did you want to go to hell? Did you temporarily stop believing in God? And if so, do you think you were the ultimate source of these thoughts and feelings? Did you dispassionately decide that eternal torment was the way to go? Did you suddenly find yourself thinking that it would be good to doubt God, even though you had no reason to do so?

What I’m trying to say is that our faults and failures, though ours, are a product of the world in which we live. We are all linked, bound by the laws in which we exist. Evil is passed from one to another, generation to generation. There is no such thing as a perfect person, existing independently of their biological impulses, and the society they grew up in. The only way you can judge a person is in totality – whether the goodness within them is sufficient to counteract the evil. You cannot blame them for the evil – it was there before them.

Obviously, disregard all that if you find it unhelpful. Whatever keeps you avoiding the harm of yourself and others.

whiskered-fish 3/1/2016 - 7:36 pm

Thank you for your consideration. Unfortunately, I can’t change religions as easily as I change socks, haha. I have my own reasons for being a Christian, and personally, I believe it to be the truth. When I converted, I didn’t do so because I knew I needed a bit and bridle. That was just a pleasant bonus effect. I converted because I knew it to be the truth, and I was convinced of the deity of Christ. And I do not think that that conviction will ever waver. God, I hope it doesn’t. But anyway, I thank you for looking out for what’s best for me, even if we don’t agree on what that is.

I do hope that I’m responsible for my own feelings. Even now I’m not sure if I am. I change my mind on that issue constantly. Sometimes I hold both opinions simultaneously, even to the point of contradiction. My psychosis makes things hard to determine.

I will answer the rest of your comment in a moment. Sorry if it takes a while.

whiskered-fish 3/1/2016 - 8:06 pm

Now, as for my wandering off, I just wanted to say that I genuinely appreciate your curiosity. Very few people care to hear about my spiritual life, which is unfortunate because so much of my current state is the result of events in my spiritual life. So thank you, I am very grateful for your concern.
But I feel like we’ve had a big miscommunication here. When I say that I’ve wandered off, I don’t mean that I’ve begun to doubt or that I’ve stopped believing. I mean that I’ve begun to disobey, not disbelieve. Which, from a Christian perspective, is actually a whole lot worse. Because a sin is a million times more lethal if it’s down knowingly, with intent. So, if an atheist or a Buddhist or a pagan or what-have-you commits, say…theft, his sin is less grievous than the sin of a Christian who does the same thing. Essentially because we are supposed to “know better.” I’m sorry if this sounds condescending. Anyway.

My reasoning for wandering is complicated, and like I said before, it didn’t happen over night. It wasn’t really a singular decision, more so a year or two worth of many small decisions that compounded over time. I guess that’s how addictions work. There’s a trigger, or a stressor, and you indulge out of stress. But then these incidents increase in frequency until they become regular and constant. That’s what happened.

thehusk 3/2/2016 - 4:46 am

What I was trying to get at is that the decision to ‘wander’ isn’t made consciously. You didn’t think ‘Ah, I know, I’ll start doing things which will condemn me to eternal torment. Because that’ll be fun.’

As you say, there’s a trigger, that leads a part of your mind to bypass your religious conviction. You do not consciously decide to be triggered, or stressed. It happens, and your mind reacts. You do not consciously decide to give control to that part of your mind. It takes control, and then other parts of your mind rationalize around it later, to ‘own’ it’s decisions. And gradually, your thought patterns shift.

Our thoughts and feelings are a consequence of the reaction between our biology and our environment. You do not decide how to feel. You feel, and then decide.

But obviously disregard all that if you don’t find it helpful.

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