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Confusion at its strangest

by souptool

I always wanted to die laughing.. like the ending of of mice and men. Best case scenario for anyone.

I can’t remember a time I didn’t want to die. I remember being so happy that I should kill myself cause things couldn’t get any better… I’m a pretty happy guy in general, I find positives in negatives, I make people laugh it’s one of my favourite things to do is make people happy.


I don’t know where all the pain comes from. But the pain the sadness is all secondary to the fact of how pointless I feel life is. It’s like everything else I just want to get to the punch line. I don’t want to live I hate rules or anyone telling me what I can and can’t do. I hate what misery people can cause others.. My moral fiber is highly debatable at times but I usually mean best unless I feel someones got it coming.. but I just can’t shake ย the fact that I want to die I’m even excited for it I dunno. Wether it’s healthy or not is besides the point… Mabey some of us are just like that…. nothings ever good enough or what we expect. I’m 27 I’ve thought like this since I was 4 since my earliest memories and I’ve never understood it.

I think the time is coming soon I don’t know if im going to last much longer, and to me that’s not sad it’s a relief. I’m done straining and trying, hurrying to meet deadlines or working to cheer people up its all tiring. If I have a soul Mabey it’s tired I don’t know… I don’t know what to think.

I wish I had answers on what the rest of my life would be like but looking at my life from a statistical point of view it’s only a matter of time before life turns around and slaps me in the face again. I don’t know if I can take another blow and I’d really like to end it with a smile on ย my face and Mabey that’s all I need.

Comfort in death. Being comfortable to die. Not to be bitter or sad about it… but just to be happy about it..


I don’t know if this helps you or not I wouldn’t wish harm on anyone.. I just wanted to share a perspective that’s all. Suicide doesn’t have to be sad or bad. As long as your happy with the choices you make that’s all that matters. You were given a life it’s up to you what you do with it.


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Morris 2/2/2016 - 11:25 pm

Death by Orgasm seems like the best way to go.
If I can read my obituary after I’m dead, that’s what I’d like to read. “Mr. Morris passed away after experiencing a lethal orgasm”.

It doesn’t get better than that. (Not a bad name for a band, either. Death by Orgasm or Lethal Orgasm works).

Do you play any musical instruments?

Cordless 2/2/2016 - 11:45 pm

I’ll have what Morris is having.

souptool 2/2/2016 - 11:50 pm

lol yes lethal orgasm that’s awesome. Great band name and obituary

I did.. or do I wish I had the energy to get back into it… piano guitar are my main…
used to play metal too I was good at both. My best work was always dark especially in my piano I always felt it so much more. Mabey I should get back into it it was a great outlet.
I’d love to write a symphony but that may be a bit ambitious.. should try to get back to reality.
My main motto has been shoot for the stars land on the moon.. Mabey take it down and just write a great piece for piano..

Cordless 2/3/2016 - 12:28 am

I love playing music too.
Piano, organ, french horn, dulcimer, and harp.
(French horn is my favorite).

When I was in college, I briefly played keyboard in a rock band.
I also played harp in the same rock band.
(Long story.)
Needless to say it was fun but very short-lived.

I love composing things too.

I’ve written duets for harp and flute, piano and french horn, piano and dulcimer…
Trio for Marimba, Oboe, and Flute…
I’ve done some brass quintets…
And I’ve done a few pieces for the Wind Symphony I’m in. (I’m the section leader for the french horns, and luckily the director is glad to let me test out my compositions on the group.) We’ve played at least six of my compositions at concerts in the past 10 years, I think.

Music is such good therapy.
It helps in so many ways.
I think if I didn’t have music, I would probably not be alive here now.
Physically, I’m broken in a lot of ways, and I am very depressed, but my mind can still make music. (At least for now).

In fact, since I’m still freaking out about the disability/Medicaid thing I wrote in my other post, I should probably take my own advice and listen to something that might calm me down.

souptool 2/3/2016 - 12:48 am

If your into piano beethoven sonata 23 always blows me away it was put together so perfectly

But that’s insanely respectable that you can play that many instruments and that youve even composed. I’ve screwed around and half assed some songs together but I’ve never finished one there’s always something missing… just like my life haha

Suicidal Angel 2/3/2016 - 12:18 am

I can so relate to what you are saying souptool.
Life is pointless and tiring and a waste of time space etc.
I think life should go back to before humans arrived.
The planet was working in perfect balance and harmony before man came along and destroyed it. All plants and animals worked in perfect syncronicity. But man, man’s just a fucked up waste of space. There’s no purpose to us being here. Any purpose there might be is basically to fix the mess that other humans have created.
And yes you can have a feeling of your soul being tired of living and have a desire for it to go home. I was told by a psychic that this is a common feeling for people in their last lifetime and whether or not you believe in this just give it a thought for a minute.
Imagine if it is true and you have lived 100,s of lifetimes, doing god knows what in each one,
imagine how exhausting and tiring all that would be on a soul level. Imagine all the bad shit you have lived through, I think it would be quite natural to feel like you had had enough.
And also the fact that you feel like it would make you happy and you want to feel happy when it happens that shows a spiritual connection to it all. Death should be happy. You get to go home.
Your time here is over and complete. Mission accomplished. A job well done. It should be a time of celebration. I’ve read some stuff on euthanasia and they recommend having a celebration of your life funeral before you go, where you get to say goodbye to people, tell them what they meant to you, thank them etc. So yes it should be a good day when it happens.

souptool 2/3/2016 - 12:42 am

Did you ever hit every nail right on the head I couldn’t have said it better myself.
and I wish if I could have anything would be to throw a huge party say my goodbyes and have the acceptance of my peers and family for my decision.
I actually went to a psychic and she said I had a very old soul, along with some descriptions of past lives, my favourite was an old hermit that people came to visit and always left feeling better than they came always laughing.. I could see it I guess. I think I kind of have a Robin Williams syndrome, love to make people laugh.. Mabey it’s the saddest souls that are the ones most willing to inspire happiness.
But definitely I’m so glad you wrote that my thoughts are the same but I’m not as good at articulating them

Morris 2/3/2016 - 12:38 am

You guys: We need to start a band. That’s why this website exists, but nobody who visits here knows that.

Cordless and Souptool; You both have incredibly stupid sounding nicknames that I like. Let’s make some horrible music together.

You can die later, let’s slay the public with our music first. ๐Ÿ™‚

Morris 2/3/2016 - 1:01 am
souptool 2/3/2016 - 1:13 am

Yah that’s dedication. I wish I didn’t pawn my electric.

Cordless 2/3/2016 - 1:17 am


souptool 2/3/2016 - 12:53 am

Yah I’m down to see where that road leads I’ve got nothing to lose at this point
I’m keeping the nick name tho :p

Morris 2/3/2016 - 1:23 am

You rock.
Let’s debut with a Greatest Hits album.
We’ll skip the first 4 or 5 albums that only have a few good songs on them, and debut with a greatest hits compilation, followed by another one.
Every song will be a single.
This formula will work because no one’s ever done it before.

Suicidal Angel 2/3/2016 - 1:01 am

I’m glad you could relate to that.
Robin Williams, what a legend. A totally amazing man.
I’m old enough to remember him from way back as Mork.
That’s when I fell in love with him.
He was such a unique individual and obviously tortured soul.
Isn’t it a shame that the most beautiful souls are the most tortured.
Maybe you guys can write a song about it in your new band.
Love the idea.
Featuring Cordless & Souptool ๐Ÿ™‚
Songs about Tortured Souls

fadingnz 2/3/2016 - 2:10 am

Feels. I can relate dude.

inf1n1 2/3/2016 - 6:53 am

im sat here depressed no food no money or income and my rents not getting paid im ready to go but ive been waiting just to see if that money im owed and been promised is gona show its face coz then im gona get so fkin high on shrooms and go out lmfao

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