Divided

I’ve never had that great of a time living; abusive parents, bullied, a serious disability that makes life pretty hard in general and lot other things i’d rather not mention.

When i was younger i would consider killing myself every once in a while, but i was too afraid to actually do so. And If it weren’t for my fear of the outcome, i probably would have done it by now.

I’m too afraid of what the aftermath of my actions would be rather than actually dying itself. What people would do, what they would think of me, and what they might say worried me too much.

Of course, that only made me feel “weak” and “cowardly” and only managed to make me more upset. And on top of that, people who commit suicide are said to go to hell, and even though i’m not religious that’s certainly not a fun thing to hear.

So, more or less, live or die, i can never be happy with either.

But living like this just makes me feel like i’m dead already.

I don’t really think about suicide as much anymore since i know i can’t actually do it, at least actively trying to die.

If someone where to break into my house and try to kill me i don’t think i would stop them. If i got in an accident i don’t think i would call for help.

If the time comes, i probably won’t fight back. I can’t decide if i want to die or not, so i just sort of leave it up to the world to decide.

Of course i’d still be worried about the aftermath, but at least they won’t see me as someone who kills themself, just as another death among many.