Do I want to live no but im still trying my best and proud of myself.

Am i perfect not at all. I wish i had more exciting imperfections besides bitterness and anger but it is what it is. If there was such thing as a sure suicide method I’d probably do it. Hanging doesn’t work well and the dam near me doesnt have a convenient way to the drop. Also its survivable imo. I had a gun once. I was scared of vegitating myself so i didn’t do it. I would have fucked up the shot. You get nervous with a gun. I’m mad i was ever born still. But do i always see a hopeless loser in the mirror? No. A lot of times i see someone who has worked hard for what he has had, lost most of it and is working to get it back. I am proud of myself and there is a decent amount of love in my heart for myself. Its just those damn triggers and loneliness. Im never far enough away from going into the tank. I dont know if i truly want to die i just want the pain to end and that is an improvement. Ive wanted to flat out die most of my life. I dont want any of you guys to do it because depressed people tend to be better than the normal sociapaths society gods up. Thats fairly selfish but it’s more of a humanity as a species needs us even if it doesnt act like it. Idk this is just a rant of a lonely suicidal dude who prays for a miracle and does all he can to work towards one.