Feeling depressed sad, not grieving sad. At least it feels like it, like I’d be feeling this way (mostly) even if my fiance and I were still together.
I do feel like I’ve sort of accepted she’s gone and what’s happened, maybe. But it feels like my life is just a cycle of loss and tragedy on top of unrelenting depression and anxiety. The only reprieve I’ve had was when I was with my fiance/girlfriend. Our first year together is probably the happiest I can remember ever being- not only was I in love with an amazing woman who loved me back, but right before we met was when the Lamictal actually started helping (it’s the only drug that’s ever helped my depression) so I felt significantly less depressed. The next two years with her I’d still include as being the only time of my life where I remember being happy, but the depression started to come back and my anxiety was suddenly reaching new highs- like I’d wake up in the morning and immediately start crying.
It’s like I’m not grieving just a loss of a relationship, but the loss of the only good thing to happen to me. I think everyone just thinks I went crazy because I couldn’t handle being without my fiance, but really- I just couldn’t handle another devastating event. A car accident that kills my friend and I have to be cut out of the car, my lover committing suicide, all on top of the constant depression and anxiety which had made it so hard, if not impossible at times, to enjoy anything or to function like a semi-normal person. I am just so tired. I’ve been trying so hard for the last decade, to be happy, to function, and it feels like it’ll never end. I can think of all the things I’m grateful for, I can distract myself from ruminating, I can push myself to do the things I need to do, but it never changes how I feel.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, to be continually patronized by doctors (or even just random people) that if therapy doesn’t help me, then I’m either lazy, not trying hard enough, not open-minded enough, the timing wasn’t right, I didn’t have a good therapist, or I wasn’t doing the right kind of therapy….. is so infuriating, since I can refute most of those and if I was doing the ‘wrong’ type of therapy- well, I have yet to find a doctor who can suggest a type of therapy I should try; no one ever seems able to answer that question and yet they all seem able to know that therapy will help. And when I try to explain my frustration, they only see me being frustrated and decide immediately that I’m just antagonistic and close-minded. It’s like if you’re mentally ill in any way, then your feelings must be irrational, because ‘normal’ people never get upset when they’re not taken seriously.