i don’t want attention, i just want someone to listen.

this is a cry for help.

it’s not a yelp for attention, for sympathy, for flowers and hugs and cards.

it’s a plea, to see me, to notice that i exist.

i feel like the world is listing, tilting slowly towards the tipping point. i pray to god above that the earth will straighten itself out, and that all the anger and hate in me turns back into the love it once was.

i want to go to the hospital, but i have too many commitments in my life right now. actually, scratch that, i don’t want to go to the hospital; doing that is a sign that i have failed as an adult. few people know this about me but i have been hospitalized twice in my life; senior year of high school, and my second year of graduate school. both times it was october/november. the first time, i stayed three days, and the second time, a week. from the minute i got in i knew i wanted out so i did everything i could. when i came back, i was just behind on everything, like i had taken a really shitty vacation with no cool pictures or souvenirs, and nobody even really noticing that i was gone. (seriously, the first time it happened, in high school, i had two teachers who asked my parents where i was, and in grad school, i think maybe 1 friend, 2 of my fellow students and none of my professors tried to find me when i went awol for a whole week).

i want to go away somewhere, not a hospital, not anywhere locked up, but a place where i will be free. to be free to be me, to rebuild things, to disappear from this existence and bloom into existence elsewhere.

if all else fails and i still feel this way in may when school is out…i think i might consider just running away. at least going completely off the grid for a few weeks or a month. unfortunately, it can’t be forever, as much as i’d like to to be.

suicide doesn’t solve any problems, but going away just might.

either a) people will try to find me, or b) they won’t. and i am being realistic when i say that b is what will happen, it will happen, and i will half expect a but experience b, and then be too crushed to ever emerge.

i have such a great life, on paper. it’s just incredibly lonely and invisible. i love to help, to volunteer, to be behind the scenes, but i just want people to see me. for me. me for me. love me.

things i cannot do:

• drugs
• drink too much (at least not until friday)
• hang myself (low ceilings)
• cut myself (nothing sharp enough, plus it’ll make a mess)
• jump from a window (i don’t think i can fit through mine)
• light self on fire (survival = burns)
• kill myself

things i can do:

• cry
• pray
• write here
• find shit to break
• cry self to sleep
• grade papers

confession:

what i do for a living: i am a professor at a large and prestigious university in the united states. if any of my students or co-faculty find out about this or anything about how i feel, i might lose everything. all i have right now is my job and my students. i go to tons of events each week, social and academic, but have no friends and no life. i am sick of trying harder. it is not enough in this life.

“i’m scared

so afraid to show i care

will he think me weak

if i tremble when i speak”